American Gladiators

“Now we’re getting serious, because next is the guys.” – Hulk Hogan, The New American Gladiators

The original American Gladiators was among the top imangination breakthroughs of the early 90’s, picking up right where Miami Vice left off in terms of awesome spectacle and manly attire. Like all men, I cannot possibly describe with words how excited I was to hear it returning this fall. I could only describe that feeling in explosions or the sound of women orgasming.

Like the original American Gladiators, I find myself torn on the series. Half of it is enthralling and gripping television, sausage-packed with suspense and triumph; while the other half just kind of wallows around in apathy, having no strategy, not really understanding the games, and generally having no purpose in life or on television.

Why the fuck are women on American Gladiators?

Women ruin half of American Gladiators.

Laila Ali

I could kick Laila Ali’s ass. I don’t care how much muscle everyone pretends is in her flabby, chicken-wing arms, but she’s no champion, and she’s certainly no boxer.

Her father? He was a champion. Hulk Hogan? He is a champion. No woman, especially one who couldn’t hold her own in a boxing ring against a writer just because he has a penis, is a champion.

I was disappointed to see that Laila Ali would be heavily featured in this new and “more extreme” version of one of my favorite programs, but I was immediately relieved to see that Hulk Hogan was given license to correct Laila on the merits of competition whenever he saw fit. Within the first two minutes of the show, The Hulkster had to remind Laila Ali that being an “American Gladiator Champion” was about more than 100,000 dollars. It was also about honor and integrity and several other things that I didn’t hear because I was busy telling the people I was watching with the exact same thing.

Single Mothers

Single mothers have no business on American Gladiators. A single mother loves her children enough to suffer for them, but not enough to win for them — and definitely not enough to get her flabby ass to the gym to train for a few weeks before battling she-males on national television. That’s the difference between men and women as single parents. A single mother will let you nail her to a cross, but a single father will carry that cross to a toy store and trade it for a new Nintendo.

Once again, my ire was soothed quickly in this new American Gladiators, when the single mother contestant tripped all over herself like a retarded person in the first event and was ejected from the game. Like I said, she loved her children enough to suffer, but not enough to win.

Next time, hit the treadmill.

Shemale Gladiators

I tried masturbating to some of the original female American Gladiators one time, and I can’t say that I found much use for it. This new wave is no different.

When designing a new classic, it’s important to look to the old classics. For example, basketball derived the principle of the shot clock from existing concepts in football, and that imangination breakthrough saved the sport. I suggest the same for the new American Gladiators. Let’s look back at the only three women’s sports in history that have stood the test of time:

1. Mud Wrestling
2. Foxy Boxing
3. Stripping

If your lady American Gladiator couldn’t pull a crowd in those three events, you need to get back on the casting couch.

Except for that black haired one “Crush”, which leads me to another point. No matter how “tough” or “successful” or “driven” a woman seems, they all want to feel like little girls. They’ll hand over the pink slip to their vagina if you can make it happen.