Dating: Where?

I personally cannot stand the topic of dating. Dating is something that silly people who think they have a treasure box between their thighs haven’t mastered by the age of 19.

That’s right, I’m talking about women.

But since I do get a lot of questions from young men on this topic — and since I feel as though I am a role model for each of them — I am going to take this entire Valentine’s Day week and even some of next week to talk about how to date in a manly way.

Rule #1: Don’t do it.

Being a man means approaching every problem as though you are going to kill and eat it. That’s why men are great at fixing motorcycles and not great at reading stupid romance/mystery novels where the mystery is, “why don’t any of these people ever get Chlamydia?”

When fixing a motorcycle, you gut it and you throw away the bits you don’t like. But before you do that, you pick a spot where taking apart a motorcycle and getting oil all over the place isn’t going to piss a bunch of people off and lose you a cleaning deposit. The first step of dating is the same: pick your spot.

Recently, I had the chance to speak with this bitch who runs an escort service for millionaires. She’s got a show on the Bravo television network alongside other hits such as “Real Housewives of New York City” and “Make Me a Super Model”. As Nickelodeon is grouped thematically by programming for children, so is Bravo grouped by programs catering to desperate women. Except for Inside the Actors Studio. That show is great.

According to Mistress Millionaire, who can’t even convince her own boyfriend to marry her, the first thing I was doing wrong in my love life was not picking the correct places to pick up women. When asked, I replied that I meet women “everywhere”. I found her response to be a bit crass and immature and I said as much.

Here’s a statistical fact that I don’t think any of these yentas for hire or romance gurus are aware of:

51% of people are women.

That means that no matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing — unless it’s quite technical or of a crucial nature — you’re more than likely to encounter a woman. In fact, the odds are that the next person you encounter is going to be a woman. And that is consistent no matter how many people you have met or whether you intend to meet a woman or not. I never intend to meet a woman, yet 51% of the time, I do.

If it looks like a sales pitch, it probably is.

Women sell each other bullshit to get through their miserable lives like bullshit is the antidote for having a vagina. The foundation for the house of bullshit that makes up the rash of man dating manuals in the recent literary world is that women have some control over getting hit on by their dream guy — a millionaire with a penis that needs as much attention as Punxsutawney Phil — through a series of minor life changes and rituals.

There is only one ritual a woman can do to increase her chances of getting sexually harassed by the right guy: hit the fucking treadmill. Everything else is the equivalent of a magician wearing a cape, top hat, and charging to see a trapdoor work under a spectacle. It’s all bullshit that serves no purpose other than to dress up desperation.

Has Bill Murray ever been on Inside the Actors Studio?

The point is, going to specific places to meet members of the opposite sex only works because going anywhere to meet members of the opposite sex works. They’re all over the place. The last new girl I had sex with, I met while she was picking up a To Go order at a Thai food restaurant. Before that it was a girl with a glittery shirt at the Santa Anita Racetrack. And before that it was walking down the fucking street on a Tuesday evening. What’s the correlation to that blue streak? Places that have ‘R’ in them?

If I was selling romance advice to women, that’s exactly what it would be.

Bars are mostly full of whores, but not always. Dog parks are mostly full of neurotic cunts who would throw you under a bus to save their pug, but not always. Sometimes there’s a whore or two.

Women are like currency. You never have enough, it’s best to wash your hands after handling, and most importantly: they’re everywhere. Just stop every once in a while and pick some up.