You’re a Peein’

I was at the doctor’s office a few days ago getting my hand X-rayed after punching this fuck-head in the throat during the Super Bowl, and I learned an interesting statistic.

88% of women wash their hands after using the restroom.
66% of men do the same.

Urine is sterile, fellows and gentleman. You’re washing your hands too goddamn much.

Urine is as sterile as washing your hands after going to the bathroom is womanly.

Here’s another interesting statistic that I didn’t see broadcast on the 8 hour loop of CNN Health starring Dr. Sanjay Gupta and some woman with an amazing rack. By the way, to the producers of The New American Gladiators, when it comes to women hosting your shows, always pick rack over experience. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel by giving it a boxing title no one gives a fuck about.

0% of my dick is dirty.

When I go to the bathroom, I touch my pants — no need to wash anything after doing that — then I touch The Penis briefly. At no point in this pants/penis campaign is there anything gross or dirty being touched that would necessitate a hand washing. If anything, my penis is the cleanest part of my person. I might not have washed the jeans I’m wearing today, but I damn sure washed The Penis. It’s clean enough to eat off of.

That’s why men wash our hands after using the bathroom at a rate of 66% versus the womanly 88%. We’re not filthy.

Going to the bathroom for men doesn’t require maintenance on par with laying bricks. For those of you who haven’t laid a lot of brick in your life — literally, not metaphorically — doing so requires a lot of wiping and tidying of seams. When this is done with bricks it’s very manly, but when it’s done with a vagina not only is it womanly, it’s disgusting.

12% of women are fucking disgusting.

Washing your hands after going to the bathroom is like birth control. All women need to be doing it and men shouldn’t give a fuck about it. It’s not our vagina that’s the problem.

Metaphorically “laying brick” means to take a shit in multiple friend’s bathrooms in the same day. It is a truly repugnant practical joke that will gain you many Man Points.

If you’re French going into the bathroom, and you’re Spanish coming out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?