Breaking the Law!

When I think of famous law breakers, I think of swarthiness, moxy, and above all, competence. If men were s’mores, those would be our mangredients.

Jessie James, Al Capone, George Washington; each one was a criminal and each was moxier and manlier than the last.

What I don’t think about when I think of world class law breaking, is some ranting bitch trying to scream her way out of a parking ticket. Men invented the law. It’s no wonder men are better than women at breaking it.

Also, God gave women tits to get out of traffic tickets. Not lungs and certainly not brains.

Recently a woman broke the law in a way that wasn’t sleeping with one of her high school students. Hot as that may be, it’s actually illegal.

A very stupid British woman — which British women are more than any other species of woman on the planet — named Kate Badger, opted not to pay a £60 fine for throwing an apple core out of her car. Instead, and while simultaneously having three children at the age of 26, she is opting to take the ticket to court and vogue her way out of a possible £20,000 fine or six months in prison. You can see her vogue by following the link at the end of this article. Put yourself in the judge’s shoes for a hearty laugh.

I don’t know what offends me most about this: the atrocious lesson Kate is teaching her children — whom I’ll no doubt have to beat with a roll of quarters one day when I catch them skateboarding around my car, the fact that a legal system is being burdened by the scorn of an unhappy single mom who couldn’t keep a man happy, or the improper disposal of controlled waste.

Any woman under 35 who can’t keep a man is either fat or useless. After 35, she might just be old.

How to Break the Law

As a man who’s broken the law more times than he can count, I feel it’s my duty to illustrate the manly way to break the law and contrast that with the womanly, retarded way. Let’s begin.

1. Keep your story straight!

There’s one thing that will blow a crime like it knows someone famous: changing your story. When you change your story, you’re effectively removing yourself as a piece of evidence. That means the evidence will all start telling the same story and when you’re breaking laws, that’s the last thing you want.

Just because you have the stupidest cover story ever dreamed, does not mean that you’ve been caught. This is something men deal with all the time. Maybe a drunk hooker really did blow smoke into your mouth and then saved a bunch of her whore friends’ phone numbers on your cell phone while you were on your way to the all night jewelry store. The more important question is, who wants to hear about all the nice jewelry you special ordered?

There’s a 51% chance that story will work. Remember, women are 51% of people, and women are dumb as fuck. Women will believe anything you tell them. “Believing anything” is a coping mechanism women evolved in order to maintain some sense of self-worth after spending thousands of years being completely fucking useless. Why else would a fat woman wear earrings? The Orca actually believes she looks better because some twinkly bits of metal are hanging off of her fat, sausage earlobes.

In the case of young, manless Kate Badger, we have the following statements:

“I refused to pay the £60 fine because I didn’t throw the apple core.”

And then moments later:

“I think it’s a ridiculous charge because apples are biodegradable and it’s not like we are talking about a huge bag of rubbish.”

Sometimes I’m amazed at how stupid women sound when they’re not standing in front of you and you can’t stare at their tits.

2. Know when you’re caught!

I drive my car really fucking fast. That means every time I’ve ever been pulled over by a police officer, I was speeding. There’s also a small chance I was driving without insurance and with an expired license, but that’s a different story. My point is, I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. There’s no reason to waste a bunch of people’s time just because I don’t feel like spending a few hundred bucks on the chance to do it again. When something is fucked, trying to un-fuck it just makes it more fucked. It’s like trying to dig your way out of hole.

So why do women act like that?

In half of everything they do, women are acting on the sting of embarrassment. They’re embarrassed at what they’ve done, so they try to pass it off as something that was just and right and at worst, misunderstood. That way they believe they haven’t done anything wrong at all. They live the lie. A woman’s grasp of morality is childish at best, and at worst psychotic.

Instead of paying her £60 fine, Kate Badger is going to waste everyone’s time by taking her embarrassment and her three children to court to hopefully argue her fate back down to the original £60 pounds after acting like an entitled she-donkey until the judge gives her a look her father should have been giving her since day one.

That’s cute, but I don’t want to fuck you, so shut the fuck up.

Note that I said “everyone’s time”. Kate didn’t chose to waste the court’s time or the cop’s time, she chose to waste everyone in England’s time. Who the fuck is paying for that cop and that judge? Everyone in England.

The law should only be broken for manly reasons; like changing the law itself, or for personal gain. Breaking the law because you’re too embarrassed to admit that you got caught chucking an apple out the window and then flipped out while your kids were watching is womanly and wrong. And since when is risking jail time for the mother of your children worth £60? I guess when you’re the mother, that “when” is anytime.

3. You are guilty until proven innocent!

The notion of being innocent until you are proven guilty is a fun idea for children, but when you’re breaking the law, there is no innocent. There is only “guilty” and “got away with it”. What is going to court over £60 going to prove? That people don’t like paying parking tickets?

Next time you hire a woman, know that if she isn’t taking time off for being pregnant or being on her period, she might be taking time off for something like this.

Behind every great fortune, there is a great crime. And behind every great man, there is a woman. With any luck, the two are related.

Worst Mother in the UK, or Worst Mother in the World?