The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth

Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.

That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.

That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.

That was another pun.

Is it okay to cry?

No, it’s never okay to cry.

Unless it’s after something really moving, right?


My girlfriend said something outrageously stupid and I…

There’s no reason to finish that sentence. The biggest mistake a young man can make is having a girlfriend. Girlfriends are like dead rats. You can barely do anything fun with them, and once they sink their teeth into your arm, it’s a messy and brutal enterprise to pry them loose. Grab your manliest crowbar.

Girlfriends are a bigger drain on your time than alcohol, marijuana, and masturbating, combined. Even alcoholics can function 20% of the day. People stoned off their asses become carpenters and avant-garde chefs. Baloo-ing the Bear reduces stress, depression, and will eventually give you some hilarious stories. On a long enough time line, everyone gets caught.

Girlfriends, however, are Waste Incarnate, crammed into pants made for someone half their size and twice their price.

A girlfriend is like a garbage disposal of life. You step up, you dump your garbage in — garbage like roses, stuffed animals, and “I see my unborn puppies in your eyes,” and then you walk away. You don’t stand over the garbage disposal and wait for it to shoot out a Pepsi or an original thought. Expecting that for whatever reason — especially because television told you to while it wasn’t selling Tag body perfume — is a loss of Man Points.

Women on TV act reasonable and interesting for the same reason Snuffleupagus has a cardboard cock. He isn’t fucking real.

Next time you’re forcing the sink to chug down a plate of rotten chicken, try to imagine it with a pair of tits. That’s your girlfriend. And if you stand there trying to reason with the garbage disposal like a dumb fuck, it’ll suck down your dreams, your soul, and the shirt off your back.

Next time you’re spending time with your girlfriend, think about this: you could be learning about “options” right now; how to sell them, how to buy them, and how to get so rich off them that in twenty years you could rent this stupid slut’s daughter by the hour. That’s a man plan.

Women in high school are at their peak. Think about it. Every man in history has wanted to fuck a high school girl. Even gay men want to fuck high school girls. I don’t know why, but obviously I don’t really understand how gayness works. Also, grown up women and women in high school both:

1. Work shitty minimum wage jobs.
2. Don’t own a house.
3. Spend most of their time chatting about stupid nonsense.
4. Buy whatever car they think is the cutest.
5. Can’t handle alcohol.

Women in high school and full grown women are exactly the same. Your potential as a man is limitless. The only difference between the whore handling your father’s calls and the whore in Home Ec is that yours has more customers. That means higher prices! It’s called supply and demand, and you can learn all about that while you’re learning about “options”.

When you’re done, break up with your girlfriend. She’s wasting your time.

And when you’re done with that, try a Gummi worm pizza. They’re Manlicious.