When a child grabs a hot plate or runs face first into a door, it’s your responsibility as an adult to tell them not to do such things. That’s why I’ve been telling women not to play sports for as long as I can remember. Not because watching women play sports is embarrassing and gross. And not because meeting female athletes is like going to the zoo that one time when the ostrich pen and the monkey pen were left open and all of them were running around getting drunk on Hooch.

Telling women not to play sports is my responsibility as an adult. [Read more]

There’s nothing I like to see more than women proving men are better than women. It’s such a joy because women do it with the same level of class, tact, and subtlety they use in everything: not a goddamn bit.

The ultimate question was put to women recently: would you rather work for a man or some type of she-devil who resembles your mother only in body and never in tenderness, usefulness, or grace?

Oh wait, there is something I like to see more than women proving men are better than women. Ten hot babes in bikinis. Awesome. [Read more]

Women caused the war in Iraq. It’s been plain as day to me for a while now — because of my mantuition, but I didn’t want to drop that particular bomb up the ass of feminism because I hadn’t yet acquired the proof.

Someone call the CO. The proof has been acquired.

Just like all other wars, women caused the war in Iraq. [Read more]

I watched an episode of Jeopardy tonight and saw a woman completely embarrass herself in a national way with her womanly stupidity.

Typical. She didn’t even make it to Final Jeopardy because she fucked up all her money. What the hell kind of a way to play Jeopardy is that? Jesus.

I felt bad for her in a way, but I felt even worse for myself for being deprived an evening of mantertainment that only a cut-throat, three-way round of Jeopardy can provide. Watching Jeopardy when a woman is playing isn’t three-way or cut-throat at all. It’s just another ridiculous trouncing of women by men. That’s certainly not mantertaining. It’s just another day in a gender war where one side is armed only with obnoxious opinions and the other side discovered fire, tamed dogs, and invented birth control pills. [Read more]

Personally, I have always known date rape victims and drug rape victims are lying whores. Of course “personally” is the worst way to be right about anything. “Personally” is subjective and emotional. It is prone to error and bias. “Personally” is womanly.

Unless you’re a man.

Men have magic black boxes of objectification in our brains that turn all life experience into laws you could wear as ship shaped shoes and walk across water. Men and their mighty, manly opinions on things are air tight. Fuck yea.

Scientifically, all date rape victims are lying whores. [Read more]

Did you know Valentine’s Day started in the first century, when warring factions of the Roman Empire sent barrels of pig hearts to one another as a token of their disgust?

It’s a relief to know little of Valentine’s Day has changed over the manturies.

Women are so fucking selfish that they would rather some kid die in a ditch somewhere in Africa than give up just one of their precious Valentine’s Day presents and extravagant meals. Men are better than women at Valentine’s Day. Women ruined it with their selfishness. [Read more]

The following question was sent to me by a reader, darzie:

I have an Ask Dick question.

What’s the deal with gals who try to turn themselves into guys? Female to Male transsexuals is the term. Do they count as men?

Well, darzie, you certainly do have an Ask Dick question. Lucky for you, I have a Dick Answer.

Men are better than women at being transsexuals and also at being gay. It’s the same thing anyway. [Read more]

It’s a commonly accepted fact that women ruin most marriages. At the moment, the worldwide divorce rate is somewhere around 50%. If it isn’t, I don’t care. The point is, in addition to being loud-mouthed and lazy, today’s modern woman doesn’t know how to compensate for her shortcomings in marriage by shelling out any respect. Women also have opinions these days instead of chores. That’s stupid.

What about when divorce isn’t a woman’s fault? It’s unlikely, but since I’m a man, I’ll be the first to admit when women are not to blame.

Science, unclouded by my male compassion, disagrees, and points the blame at daughters. The Little Women. [Read more]