Ask Dick: What’s The Deal With Transexuals?

The following question was sent to me by a reader, darzie:

I have an Ask Dick question.

What’s the deal with gals who try to turn themselves into guys? Female to Male transsexuals is the term. Do they count as men?

Well, darzie, you certainly do have an Ask Dick question. Lucky for you, I have a Dick Answer.

Men are better than women at being transsexuals and also at being gay. It’s the same thing anyway.

Here’s an interesting set of scientific Man Facts proving my point. Proving points with science is manly. And gloating about it afterward? That’s so many Man Points you’ll need a Man Bag to carry them all to the Man Bank.

A recent study at the University of East London determined gay men use their brains like women, but also like men. Sex with women may not be a gay’s cup of tea, but apparently using their brains for more than a pillow weight is! Gay women, however (or as I like to call them, fake-biens), are unable to jump start their pudding-brains into any kind of man mode at all. Color me unsurprised.

“Gay men adopt male and female strategies. Therefore their brains are a sexual mosaic,” says a doctor who is probably a man. “As we expected, straight men used more compass directions than gay men or women, and used distances as well…but gay men recalled more landmarks than straight men, as well as using typically male orientation strategies.”

The study goes on to say that women, even when gay, are out of brain-gas before the garage of life is even open.

Men are better than women at directions and are therefore better than women at life. What’s more important in life than knowing where the fuck you are? You can probably think of something, but that’s only because you’re a man and men can do anything.

Women use landmarks when giving and following directions. Landmarks like, “Turn left where my husband yelled at me last week,” and, “Remember that coffee commercial in the 80’s with those whores reminiscing about ski trips and shit? I wish Starbucks sold Sex-achinos!”

Sex-achinos. That’s real fucking useful on the road. It’s also not a landmark and yet another account of charitable men bending the fuck over backwards to convince women they’re not completely useless.

A friend of mine has a favorite saying that’s appropriate here. “You can’t polish a turd.” I don’t know where he learned it, probably from another man. That’s how wisdom is passed down through the ages. One man tells a younger man who tells a younger man and so on. That’s how we have rocket ships and penicillin and not donkey carts and Syphilis — because of men. Women keep any wisdom they manage to scrape together locked up in their rusty minds like it’s their pin number. I guess grandmothers just love watching young women fuck up too much to every once in a while say, “Hey, sweetheart, shut the fuck up while men are talking. You’ll learn this in twenty years if you’re lucky, but you don’t actually know a goddamn thing. That’s for men to do.”

Female to Male transsexuals are not men. They’re just the same old bullshit with a new coat of paint. If you think that makes you a man, I’ve got a brand new Ferrari to sell you. I painted it on the side of a sack of shit.

Since When Do Brains Mean Anything?