Double and a Half Jeopardy

I watched an episode of Jeopardy tonight and saw a woman completely embarrass herself in a national way with her womanly stupidity.

Typical. She didn’t even make it to Final Jeopardy because she fucked up all her money. What the hell kind of a way to play Jeopardy is that? Jesus.

I felt bad for her in a way, but I felt even worse for myself for being deprived an evening of mantertainment that only a cut-throat, three-way round of Jeopardy can provide. Watching Jeopardy when a woman is playing isn’t three-way or cut-throat at all. It’s just another ridiculous trouncing of women by men. That’s certainly not mantertaining. It’s just another day in a gender war where one side is armed only with obnoxious opinions and the other side discovered fire, tamed dogs, and invented birth control pills.

Jeopardy with a woman is like getting a three chambered peanut with only two nuts inside. The third one doesn’t provide shit and doesn’t even look that good. Actually, it looks kind of gross and makes me not want to eat any of the nuts at all. Ken Jennings had a smile that could light up your day. All the women on Jeopardy look like they just shit themselves.

With the aim of proving men are better than women, I, Dick Masterson, have personally conducted a bit of research. I call it Dick Takes on Jeopardy.

Dick Takes on Jeopardy

Using my brain in the way that only a man can, I have calculated statistically the role women have played in the Jeopardy Tournament of Champions over a 15 year period between 1985 and 2000. The Jeopardy Tournament of Champions is like the World Cup of knowing things. If you want to find out who is the best slam dunker, you have a slam dunk contest. If you want to find out who is smarter, men or women, then you have a knowing shit contest. What’s so fucking hard about that? You can also have a Change Your Own Fucking Tire Then contest, but what’s the point? Women think Lefty Loosey is a way to remember Lucy Liu is left-handed. She isn’t.

Here is what I discovered based on 15 years of Jeopardy data.

Women make up 20% of Jeopardy Champions.
Women make up 14% of Jeopardy Champion Finalists.
Women don’t know shit about shit.

Even the two times women have won the Jeopardy Tournament of Champions, one was only by a dollar, so that doesn’t even count. I have found ten dollars just lying on the street and I don’t know what element soap is made out of or what ancient civilization invented fetish wear. Does that make me a Jeopardy champion? The answer is: no.

Obviously, I do know those things I just said I didn’t. I’m a man and like all men I know or at least am familiar with everything. I just don’t know them off the top of my head, and that’s what Jeopardy is all about. It’s a fast-paced game just like it’s a fast-paced world. That’s exactly why women fucking fail at it.

Here’s a practice round of Jeopardy for you.

The answer is, this is the same as your cock turning into a raspberry scone.

What are the odds of a woman being a Jeopardy champion, Alex? Or is the Jeopardy part even necessary?

Daily fucking double.

Science has proven men have higher IQ’s than women. Now entertainment has proven men know more shit than women. It must be all the extra brains we men have. Either that or those little buzzers Jeopardy contestants have to use are sexist. I doubt that very much.

Remember every fucking episode of Gilligan’s Island or Moonlighting when it looked like they were finally going to get off, but then nothing happened. Everything was set up perfectly and then, stupidly, it was ruined. Fuck, that was annoying. It wasn’t as annoying as women on Jeopardy though.

Jeopardy Gender Statistics

quarter-finalist women semi-finalist women finalist women female winner?
1985 3/15 1/9 0/3 Fuck No
1986 0/15 0/9 0/3 Fuck No
1987 0/15 0/9 0/3 Fuck No
1988 4/15 3/9 1/3 Last Place
1989 3/15 2/9 0/3 Fuck No
1990 2/15 1/9 0/3 Fuck No
1991 3/15 1/9 0/3 Fuck No
1992 2/15 2/9 0/3 Fuck No
1993 6/15* 4/9* 2/3 Fuck No**
1994 3/15 2/9 1/3 By 1 Dollar
1995 1/15 0/9 0/3 Fuck No
1996 N/A 3/9 0/3 Fuck No
1997 5*/15* 4/9* 1/3 Fuck No
1999 4/15 1/9 1/3 Last Place
2000 6/15* 2/9 1/3 Barely
20% 19% 15% 13%

* Two women were in the same game.
** One man is all it takes.

If 13% of Jeopardy Champions are women, then men are 74% better than women.

Jeopardy Tournament of Champions