MADD Can Go And Fuck Themselves

There’s nothing I love sticking to women more than a big slab of science.

Well almost nothing.

It’s every man’s dream to lead everything he does with a joke about his penis. Don’t be afraid to dream. It’s your birthright as a man.

Also, don’t be afraid to drink. As a man, drinking is not as harmful to your body and brain as it is to a woman. I question whether it’s even harmful at all.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving can go and fuck themselves. Here’s why. A recent Russian scientific study says alcohol affects women way more than it does men. After examining and subjecting a pool of 100 alcoholics to intelligence tests of working memory, cognitive flexibility, spatial planning, and problem solving; female alcoholics were found to be absolute shit at them.

Here’s my question: how do you even test a woman’s problem solving abilities? Do you bounce ping-pong balls off her forehead? Testing a woman’s problem solving skills is like testing a jock strap for comfort or finding the world’s bravest chicken shit. Either way, it’s your nuts in the noose.

According to this Russian study, men are better than women at escaping the long-term effect of alcoholism because our man-bodies contain more water than those of our shittier counterparts. Well you know what else our man-bodies contain more of that is an equally valid scientific explanation? How about dignity?

Men have the dignity to not binge drink ourselves into oblivion like the study says women do more often than men. Men also have the dignity not to lie like fucking dogs about our alcohol dependence. I took my own survey of two women and how much they drank last Saturday night. My study showed that both of them lied their asses through their teeth about it and I know because I bought all their drinks.

Without a shock collar and two dozen hidden cameras, it’s impossible to know what a woman has done before her last meal. Dr. Barbara “Banana” Flannery is’s Honorary Man of the Month for April for coming to the right conclusion with her data: men are better than women, science says so. But how much stock can we put into this strange science of taking women’s word for things.

What’s next? Is there a frightening outbreak of menopause in 37 year old women?

No. Check their fucking driver’s licenses.

Speaking of driver’s licenses, based on this study, I officially challenge MADD to petition, or do whatever donkey shit women do to get results from congress, to change the legal limit of alcohol women can drive with from whatever it is to .01% lower than the corresponding legal limit for men. The science is right in front of us. Men are better than women at everything involving alcohol. Do you want roads to be fucking safe or not?

Obviously a woman driving at all is a danger to herself and everyone on the road, but I’ll be damned if she’s allowed to do it as drunk as I am.

The Study