Alec Baldwin: Father of the Year

It’s not often that I, Dick Masterson, bestow an award like Father of the Year. In fact this is the only time I’ve ever done it. But who knows what the future holds. Submit your nominations for 2008 today!

Alec Baldwin, legendary for his roles in Beetlejuice and She’s Having a Baby, recently left a passionate voice mail for his 11 year old daughter. When I think of “father�? I think “passion�?. Do you know what a father’s role is? To protect a useless little girl from a world of horrible things. Without a father, who would beat off the hordes of horny boys young girls naturally attract?

Being a father is just like being in the movie The 300. That’s awesome. Way to go Dad’s.

Here’s a quote from Alec Baldwin’s voicemail.

“This crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother”

Amen, brother. The amount of crap young ladies pull with their cellphone is staggering, no matter how esoteric it’s worded.

Look, fatherhood is an accident. There has never been a time where a man looked at a woman and said, “You want to be a mother? Yea, that’s a good idea.” And he wasn’t sarcastic when he said it. Nine times out of ten, it’s accidental.

As a man, when I listen to Alec Baldwin’s passionate discourse with his young daughter, which I’m linking to at the end of this article, I think of two things. The first thing is, “Hey, good for you buddy. Here’s a man-thanks from the rest of us. Someone’s got to tell this woman this shit eventually and you’re the only one who’s not going to lose sex over it.�? The second thing I think is, “Who fucked this up in the first place.�?

Like always, to me the answer is obvious: Kim Bassinger.

Women fuck up everything. The Garden of Eden, The Beatles, Mel Gibson, Iraq; women are the vagina in the ointment of life. Here’s another thing women fucked up. What kind of mother posts a recording of her baby’s daddy flipping the fuck out on the internet? I’ll tell you exactly what kind of mother.

Every mother.

Women are the worst parents in the world and ten times worse than all other types of parents. Women are so possessive over their children that they would eat their father’s heads if they weren’t so goddamn afraid of the Repo Man. Women will do anything and everything to get a father’s influence out of their child’s life. If Kim Basinger would stoop so low as to post this shit on the internet, then what else has she done? Has she taught her 11 year old daughter about sex? Who’s to say she hasn’t! Women shouldn’t be taught about sex until they’re 25.

Has Alec Baldwin ever posted scandalous and embarrassing shit perpetrated by Kim Basinger against his daughter on the internet? Does Alec Baldwin have a website called, “The Time Kim Basinger Thought About Shooting Some Tequila While She Was�?? No. Of course not. Alec Baldwin is so classy he could tell a Muppet to go fuck itself and I would probably buy it.

All women have thought about shooting Tequila while they’re pregnant. Women are a weak and corruptible bunch. Alec Baldwin is’s Father of the Year.

Baldwin Lays it Down Like A Man
The Aftermath