How Is a “Lesbian” Like A Walrus?

They’re both fat as shit.

I was just talking to a lady on the subject of lesbians and how their bodies look strange and Grimace-like, when I received a scientific study from a reader about the very same topic.

Scientifically speaking, men are better than women at being gay; and that means staying in a shape that doesn’t resemble a discarded peanut.

Also, do you know any famous gay women? I don’t think there are any. Martina Navratilova wasn’t famous for being gay. She was famous for looking like a donkey kicked her in the face.

Women love any kind of talk that resembles bigotry or prejudice. It gets their sex-kicker all warmed up before the big game. All lesbians look like Grimace, Canadians stink, black people are better athletes than Chinese people; that sort of nonsense winds them up like a wino on a merry-go-round. Use it carefully as you just might snag yourself a harem.

Men are visual creatures. That’s one explanation for why gay men don’t look like fat lumps of Shitty Putty in hockey jerseys and 80’s hairstyles. Another explanation is that men have class. What do you suppose the disparity is between straight women who own dildos and gay men who do? It’s probably huge. Dildos are pink and overpriced. They’re obviously made for women. That disparity is called class.

And women are obsessed with sex.

“Lesbians” are 2.5 times more likely than heterosexual women to be overweight or obese, says science. Science doesn’t give a shit about why, but that’s okay because I already know.

Women have two things in their lives: sex and chocolate. “Lesbians” can’t have sex, so that leaves only the chocolate. Imagine if you were a Ken doll and after five years of cockteasing, you really wanted to stick it to Barbie in the way that only a man can. That’s manly even for dolls. Well you couldn’t because you don’t have a dick. If you were a Ken doll, you would head over to the Dream Pub and drown your dickless sorrows. If you were a lesbian, however, you’d drown yourself in a pool of chocolate and carbs.

A healthy dietary supplement of dick is God’s secret to weightloss. I’ve told countless women that and until now I never knew how right I was.

That happens to me all the time.

The Fat Scoup