Happy Birthday. I Got You A ‘Settle the Fuck Down’.

Women are the only creatures on the planet dumb enough to think their birthday is an actual holiday. Birthdays are not holidays. Just like weddings, coffee, pets, and anniversaries that don’t end in and also are “0”; birthdays are not a big deal.

A woman once told me that I had to be nicer to her because it was her “birthday week.” Are you fucking kidding me?

Men are better than women at having birthdays. Men are so much better than women at birthdays that I don’t even know when my birthday is.

If the government required everyone to take a test before they could vote, question number two would be, “Is your birthday a holiday?”

“Like…it should be!”

Fail. Head down to TGI Fridays, you jokey bitch. Your meal ticket is on his third Jack and Coke.

Women suck at birthdays for the same reason they suck at everything in life. They’re annoying and full of shit.

Women are Annoying

I’m not talking about the kind of annoying I am when I go from a three-martini business lunch to an art gallery and sound like an insightful air raid siren. That’s called being mannoying and it’s awesome. It’s fueled by alcohol.

Women are annoying like a Swiss Army knife.

On a Swiss Army knife, every nook and cranny of the tool has a specific purpose that is designed to get the job done. On a woman, every single one of her behaviors is engineered to get as much attention as possible. Crying, obnoxious laughter, constant screw ups, make-up, boob jobs, date rape; they’re all unique female methods of accomplishing the same thing: pumping attention into their veins like it’s a vaccine for turning 24.

To a woman, a birthday is just another excuse to plant her fat, obnoxious foot in the unmarred schedule of your life and suck as much attention out of your wallet as she can.

Women are Full of Shit

No man has ever wanted to get inside a woman’s head, but if you ever do, follow this simple guide.

For an entire day, after every single thing you do, talk about how difficult it was but how you still managed to do it. If you got out of bed, take a moment to say, “That was hard, but I did it. Good for me!” After you brush your teeth say, “That was hard, but I did it. Good for me!” When you have a birthday say, “That was a hard year, but I did it. Good for fucking me!”

Women don’t have accomplishments. They just have after parties. Coffee breaks, birthdays, a new outfit for the gym to celebrate her second week of working out!

Women are so busy patting themselves on the back, they don’t have time to be useful.

Question number one would be, “How big is your penis?”