Female Medics Are Deadly

Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that.

But you choose not to because an 80mph freeway battery shower would fuck up a lot of people’s lives.

Ten times out of ten, men make the choice to be a good person.

Ten times out of ten, Female EMT’s choose to endanger people’s lives.

Female EMT’s are deadly.

Before I get started on today’s topic, I want to post my inspiration. It comes in the form of fan mail.

“Dick, I work in a small town. Last week, a 180lbs. kid had a diabetic attack and the two female medics on call could not lift him to carry him down some stairs. They had to call the only cop on duty, myself, to help them carry this kid. It made me feel great to be able to help someone, but I thought about something. What happens when my dad who lives out of town has a serious heart attack and the only people who can help him are women? I won’t always be around to carry patients for the ambulance crew! I do my job and they should do theirs; and if they can’t, they should quit.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself. I can only say it shorter: Female Medics are Deadly!

When you cut off a finger or break your leg in half in a drunk driving accident, the people who climb out of an ambulance to hold your stupid ass back together on the way to the hospital are called Emergency Medical Technicians. They are the first line of offense against Death. And that’s your first clue that women shouldn’t be them. “Technician” may rhyme with “beautician”, but the two are very different jobs. One requires a brain, while the other is a bastardization of the term and requires nothing more than a high school degree, a failing marriage, and an ability to never shut the fuck up.

Perhaps the latter two are related?


If men are women are truly equal, then at best, a female medic is a male medic with the strength of a Muppet. And since a 180lbs diabetic coma can happen at any moment, maybe a Muppet isn’t the best thing to have wheeling stretchers and fucking oxygen tanks all around town.

Actually, Muppets are a perfect metaphor for women. Both need at least one man to keep them from being totally fucking useless.

Musical Chairs

The job force is a complex entity. It’s more complicated than pointing at someone and saying, “They’re getting paid! They must be needed!” Like some goddamn jackass. If you say shit like that, head up to Washington DC with a duffle bag full of cocaine for a weekend introductory course in Economics for the Retarded. Don’t worry about the tuition. Your tax dollars already paid for it.

Just because female EMT’s exist, doesn’t mean we need them. Women are never hired out of necessity. There are always men around to do the job. Just look at World War II. We needed the shit out of medics in World War II, but did any women have to step up to do their share? Fuck no. Women didn’t do shit during World War II because women can’t do shit. They couldn’t then and they can’t today.

In musical chairs, you can’t sit in a chair someone is already sitting in. That was the point.

Out of Town

There’s an old saying. People lie, but numbers don’t. And that’s what makes the numbers great. They can pile shit on women day and night without giving a fuck.

There’s another saying that’s not quite as popular. It goes, “When I’m having a heart-attack, I don’t give a fuck about diversity quotas.” It’s not as popular, but it’s just as true. When you’re in trouble, it doesn’t matter if only 1% of EMT’s are women. That 1% might fucking kill you.

Black, Chinese, French, Indian — I don’t care. As long as they think There Will Be Blood had a happy ending, I trust them to work a set of paddles.


The real reason women are hired for EMT’s or anything else is the same reason my bedroom wall has shoe prints all over it. Women are like broken smoke detectors at 3 in the morning. After ten seconds of their shit, you’ll do anything to shut them up.

If you know any girls who dream of saving lives one day by driving an ambulance, tell them they’ll save more lives by staying home. Feminism didn’t do this. Every woman who picked up a Grey’s Anatomy textbook did.

Kill the dream.