McCain and the VPILF

I’m going to tell you guys the first thing I thought when I was text messaged a picture of McCain’s new VP by a dozen fucking people at 8 in the morning.

sarah palin vpilf

I’d fuck her.

Meet the world’s first VPILF, fellows and gentlemen. A Vice President I’d like to fuck. And she will be Vice President because apparently McCain is the smartest fucking politician in history. Who knew!

I’m jumping on the VPILF train today by naming Miss Sarah Palin my Honorary Man of the Year.

Only one other Vice Presidential candidate could have torpedoed Obama’s campaign in such a disastrous way. Obviously, that man is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sadly, a McCain/Schwarzenegger bumper sticker is not to be, but the effect is the same. Any woman who can achieve something on par with the Austrian Oak himself, deserves my back-handed respect!

It may surprise some of you that I would support such a reckless and irresponsible political ploy. Put a woman in the White House? Shouldn’t the only women in the White House be on their knees? True. Doesn’t this put her a heartbeat away from the hot seat! I guess it does. But some of you men are forgetting something important.

Where do you assholes get off thinking you can second guess a Vietnam POW?

Never contradict an old man. They know their shit. And here is that shit.

Sarah Palin was Miss Alaska

Women are good for three things: popping out babies, greasing the weasel, and looking hot. Not necessarily in that order. In her younger years, Sarah Palin finished second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. That means she’s at least a third more useful than your average American womanatee.

Beauty pageant contestants learn something I call Whore Wisdom. Strippers and prostitutes have an understanding of efficiency, economy, and image that eludes some first year MBA students. When their vaginas are on the line, all the sudden women become negotiators on par with Michael Ovitz. Beauty queens have a similar diluted version of this Whore Wisdom.

Whore Wisdom makes women quasi-responsible; it grants them half-assed accountability; and most amazingly, it gives them the ability to think beyond their next meal.

Beauty queens are unique among the female race in that they know no matter what a woman has on the inside, it’s what’s on the outside that counts. That’s Whore Wisdom. It’s not because society is sexist. But because women are packed so full of selfishness and bullshit, they couldn’t cram much else in. Sorry ladies, honor doesn’t fit in a purse.

A beauty queen would never let her husband cigar fuck some fat sow. That looks bad.

Palin likes God

Christian women may have a high opinion of God, but God doesn’t have a high opinion of them. According to God, women were put here for our entertainment. You know who else thinks that? My good buddy Science. Women are sort of like God’s Broken Rubik’s cube. They’re an Everlasting Pain the Ass who, despite man’s infinite power of mannovation and hilariousness, can never be entertained, contented, or shut the fuck up.

A Christian woman is one who knows her place. I’ll cover more on this in a moment.

What does a V.P. do anyway?

Exactly! The last thing any of us wants is a woman in the White House thinking she’s expected to do a bunch of shit. Sarah baby, as far as you’re concerned, the V.P. does nothing more than change SpongeBob DVD’s for her retarded kid.

Palin Has a Pregnant Underage Daughter

The best thing a woman can be is married and pregnant by age 17. Of course the poor shmuck she’s hooking her claws into is making the biggest mistake of his life.

But that’s not the point. This is politics people. The circus has got nothing to do with morality or values, and if you think that it’s ever been any different, you make less than 50 thousand dollars a year. Think less, work more. Your life will improve because of it.

It doesn’t matter that Sarah Palin did a shitty job mothering her kid. What matters is that she single-handedly usurped the Democrats biggest supporters: unwed, single mothers who want shit for free. Those dumb sluts will see Sarah as the mother they always wanted. “Look at how much she supports her fuck-up daughter!” They’ll say. And I’ll laugh in their faces at 90MPH in a Honda CBR1100 bought with McCain’s wealth favoring tax cuts.

Money is manly.

Sarah is not a Democrat

The democratic party is full of ugly women and hot women who still believe shit they learned in grade school. The Republican party is the party for men. Guns are manly, war is manly, money is manly, and abortions are going to happen whether they’re illegal or not, so who the fuck cares?

100% of abortions could have been solved by a blowjob. Think about it, ladies.

But What if McCain Dies?

Obviously, the big scare is that if McCain dies — and he probably will — the world will be fucked with a female president. You think the Middle East hates us now? Imagine if a woman was fucking running the show. The Middle East respects women just as much as we do. The only difference is, they don’t pretend to.

Based on her belief system and general apathy toward the political system, the answer is obvious. If McCain dies, Sarah Palin will step down. Obviously, she can’t say that, but read the writing on the fucking walls. I’ll bet my nuts on this, guys. Sure, she’ll technically be the first female president, but her resignation will be in so fast, McCain’s ghost will be able to read it before he makes it to the white light.

Sarah Palin is a Christian and a Republican. Republican women know what side their bread is buttered on and Christian women know the value of a dick. Ever wonder why every obnoxious bitch on MySpace is a die hard Democrat? It’s because the little brats haven’t learned how much better life is when they shut their slobbery gobs and attract a man who wears a suit to work.

And once Palin steps down, everyone will have gotten all this women empowerment nonsense out of their systems and a new male Speaker of the House will be in charge.


There was a time when movies didn’t require a romantic subplot. There was a time when the publishing industry cranked out books with themes in them that weren’t, “Nothing is your fault!” There was a time when a presidential candidate could run without having a hot-ass running mate. I believe that time has passed.

Token female running mates is what happens when you let women vote, guys. Women are so easy to manipulate, you can’t expect politicians to refrain from such cheap political ploys. You can just ask them to minimize the damage by picking a woman who knows her place.

When half your constituency is silly and retarded, expect a silly and retarded campaign.

I hope I’ve eased your collective man-conscience. And I set out to do that, so I’m sure I have. Believe me, I hate to see a woman in the White House as much as the next guy, but it’s important to understand that this isn’t a victory for women. It’s a victory for men.

This is a victory for any man who’s ever had to work hard to get ahead. This is a victory for every guy who’s been denied a seat in med school because some dozy broad with half his scores was handed the seat to hit a diversity quota. This is a victory for any man who’s ever wanted to ram token liberal bullshit right back up every goldbricking ass in America.

You idiots want a woman to get some credit for doing nothing? Here you go. You retards think being a single mother is noble? Batter up! You jackass bloggers think a god-fearing woman would hide her daughters pregnancy? Nice try, but that’s impossible. Because her daughter was already fucking pregnant!

And McCain brought it to you. Looks like the old bastard still has a few tricks up his sleeve.

The internet doesn’t elect the president. Neither does the fucking Daily Show.

Edit: Dick’s Complete Guide to All the Issues