The Boob Tube

TV was invented by a man: one Philo T. Farnsworth. It was also proliferated by men. Businessmen — who reinvented paradigms and thought so far outside the box that my man senses quake at the mention of it.

Unlike women, men are good at both inventing things and proliferating them, but that’s not what I’m talking about today.

Television, with a history rich in the juices of man, is a total success for half of Earth’s population. The other half — women — know what to do with a television set about as much as horse-toothed monkeys know how to fold road maps.

Television is about relaxing and feeling good, but then it can also be about spreading information and learning. From your ABC’s to your HSQ’s — Hitler, Sharks, and Queer Eyes — television teaches as it entertains. The point here is that television is just like men: versatile as shit, which is why we’re so good at watching it.

Women on the other hand, are not versatile. They are one trick ponies, or nags if you prefer. And this trait is shown when they watch TV.

First of all, women will only watch shows that they’re friends watch or that are extremely popular. Talk about jumping on the bandwagon! Men (as manly pioneers) will devote several hours a day to pouring over the wide selection of programming available. Absorbing their contents like sponges and at a fevered pace. If there’s something good out there in TV Land a man will find it. A man will find it and then share it with the world. That’s why Santa Claus is a man. Because he pulls that same type of shit.

Women will also not watch commercials. The second the commercial section of the television programming starts, all women in the room will begin yammering like a backfiring chainsaw. I’ve even seen instances where women will mute the TV during commercials just so they can hear themselves “think” better. Blasphemy!

What women fail to realize is that commercials are the nutty, caramel center of TV. Commercials are packed full of news and information in a way that can only be processed by the quick firing male brain. There’s data in commercials by the tonne, and as men we listen and we learn from it without even realizing it. That’s what men do, we’re fucking listeners par excellence, which is Latin for “don’t even fuck with it”.

Finally, if you really want to know why women suck at watching TV, just point your remote to one of the women only channels like Women’s Entertainment or Oxygen. Unless you’re like me and you’ve set your cable box up to block those channels completely (and done so while completely drunk so that the unlocking password is lost forever — which I highly recommend) you’ll see some of the worst types of feminine bullshit that you’ve ever seen in your life. Non-stop crying, women getting raped like it’s going out of style, male characters who have as much depth and realness in them as a popped water balloon.

Women running and/or watching TV is enough to make you sick. Thank God there’s a Die Hard marathon and the first season of Monty Python’s Flying Circus on tonight. I should also mention that I have two televisions stacked on each other in my media room for just such events.