Multi-Task? Don’t Make Me Multi-Laugh — Or Multi-Shit.

I was sent this question by a reader:

In the beginning, when God made men and women, it was pretty simple. God made men strong and smart so they could hunt and he made women to carry children, cook and clean. Then as women realized how much greater men were they started to attempt manly jobs. Now, women get pissed at men because they have to do their day job then come home and do what God intended for them to. What do you think?

The reason women are so fucked in their heads these days is because they invented The Career Woman. The Career Woman is like that guy in Short Circuit. Not that guy; that robot. He can’t do anything right, it takes two other guys to babysit him all day, and before he learned his lesson he caused about ten million dollars in property damage. Go watch that film with an insurance adjuster. He’ll tell you.

That’s women for you.

God certainly did make men strong and smart. God made mankind in his own image. If I had to make the opposite of a man in my own image, then I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do. If I was God, I guess I would make her totally incompetent and rude. I would also make her hate facial hair. How fucking annoying.

Women will always have to cook and clean. Ask any married woman and she’ll tell you the same thing, “I don’t mind cooking and cleaning and doing laundry for my family.” Good. Then shut up and do it because men do mind that kind of brainless shit. We’ve minded since we invented having a job.

Over the course of a million years, men have evolved into problem solvers par excellence. When out hunting woolly mammoths, men had to invent shit on the fly like flanking and sign language and the Half Nelson. Women didn’t have to evolve any of that shit into their brains. And that’s exactly the stuff we men use every day at work. It’s the extra 30 cents on the dollar women are always complaining about. When women try to match men in the job market, they’re not jumping into the deep end, they’re diving into the Grand Canyon with water wings strapped to their ankles.

Yet women still have to do the cooking and the cleaning. What are men going to do it? What next? Use the television to prop the door open and draw reruns of Coach on the doorstop? Don’t be absurd. Everything has a purpose.

Women’s purpose is to tidy up. That’s what you evolve by sitting in a cave for a million years and waiting for food to come home. You evolve the fucking invaluable skill set of tidying and fucking obsessing about tidying. Women can escape their curse of tidying as much as men can escape their curse of taking care of business and making shitloads of money. We’re fucking televisions and doorstops in here. You can use a television to hold your door open, but why the fuck would you do that?

Well you would if you were a Career Woman. You’d hold doors open from 9-5 and then come home and do the dishes like you were supposed to in the first place. That’s not multi-tasking, it’s just stupid and exhausting.

Men are better than women because we don’t think the grass is greener on the other side. We’re men. We’ve got the greenest grass in the whole fucking universe. We’ve got grass as green as 100 dollar bills.