Winning Gold Fucking Medals

I love a good showboater. For those of you who don’t understand the term, showboating is a manly activity that involves behaving poorly during a victory — sometimes extremely poorly.

Hell most of sporting is based on showboating; and just like sporting itself, it takes a man to do it in anyway where it’s worth a shit.

Babe Ruth, Johnny Unitas — these are the champions of showboaters who call their monumental victories in advance with the man-confidence of legend. This week I honor Lindsey “Free Ride” Jacobellis as February’s’s Honorary Man of the Month. A woman so committed to the man-principle of showboating that she pissed away a gold fucking medal for it.

Congratulations Lindsey!

Men know a thing or two about principles. Never date your friend’s ex; never have sex with your friend’s hot sister and if you do try to keep it a secret for as long as possible. As such, it’s extremely rare to see a woman behave in a similar fashion — to put principles above personal and massive, massive, massive monetary gain.

Lindsey Jacobellis has done just that.

Last week during a woman’s only version of the Olympic Snowboardcross, Lindsey Jacobellis was in the lead by like thirty seconds. On the very last snowboard jump, she executed a silly sort of board flourish as if to say to her competitors, “Suck it, bitches. You can call me Goldie from now on, and I’ll send you a postcard about how it feels to be on a box of Wheaties and bathe in cash while I–”


However, no one knows what the rest of that postcard would have read. Mid-jump, the mighty Lindsey fell flat on her goddamn face and pissed away her once in a lifetime chance at an Olympic gold medal. Truly a manish commitment to principles if I’ve ever seen one.

Unfortunately, like most “accomplishments” done by women, it all fell to shit during the after party. While watching news coverage of this equality trailblazer’s colossal fuckup, I heard things like, “I was stabilizing my board by doing hoop-a-doop tricks in the air!” and “I don’t really care about the stupid Olympics anyway. They’re not a big deal.”

Poor form, “Free Ride”. But like most’s Honorary Men of the Month, getting half-way there is enough to earn you a position of fame and honor for all time.

Too bad the Olympics don’t work the same way, Lindsey.

Read about the tragic role model