The Verdict Is In…Or Is It?

Making up his mind is one of the most powerful tools in a man’s Man Bag. With it we have put men on the moon, we have won Super Bowls even though the point spread was hugely against us, and we have cured Syphilis for all genders. A made up man-mind equals determination and determination in a man’s man-world equals progress. It’s called logic.

Part of the reason why you can open a history book and have zero chance of finding a woman on the page is that women can never make up their fucking minds on anything. Ask a woman any question at all, from what she wants for lunch to whether or not she wants to actually retire from the Supreme Court or just jerk the media around and get a bunch of women’s lib attention. Each time you ask, she’ll give you a completely different answer.

This weekend was a momentous event for women. It marked the first time a woman un-retired from the Supreme Court, thereby raising the bullshit bar for feminist hijinks forever. Congratulations, ladies. Way to make up your fucking minds when it counts.

I’ve already summed up how much of a token woman ex-Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor was. With her retirement, I thought that as a society we were passed the kind of bullshit equality watering down that her position embodied. Especially considering that a far superior thinker — a man — was appointed in her place. Apparently ex-former Justice O’Connor wanted us as a society to take a few steps backwards. Apparently she also thinks that a decision like retiring from the Supreme Court deserves about as much deliberation as deciding to use a purple purse instead of a red one for the day.

“Woops. Purple doesn’t match. Better go back and pound out a few more cases before everyone realizes everything runs as smooth as a kitten or other sort of cuddly creature with only men in charge.”

The reason women can’t make up their minds is because if they do, the praise and attention they crave like junkies vanishes like bear claws in front of a Jenny Craig clinic. Women can’t actually accomplish and achieve things like men can — for a number of reasons, the main ones being incompetence and pussy-footing. With no abilities, the only way a woman can get a piece of the glory is by declaring that she’s about to do something life-altering and then changing her mind about it as often as possible.

Quantity over quality. That’s a woman’s creed.

If a woman made up her mind, she would no longer be able to say that she’s going to Junior College in the fall, or that she’s decided to get her Notarizing or Appraising License on Monday when the county clerk’s offices open, or that she’s going to lose weight. It’s all the same bullshit. Instead, she would have to be content with saying “I’m going to law school” and then keep her fucking mouth shut until the deed was done.

Of course if women did that, we wouldn’t have any more history teachers. Welcome back, Sandra Day O’Connor. Good job on another first for woman-kind.