I’ve chosen to honor this very manly holiday, Memorial Day 2008, in the manliest way possible.

Fuck parades. They’re for ladies. Fuck a day off work. Men love to work. Fuck a day-long war marathon on the History Channel. Every day should be a day-long war marathon on the History Channel.

To celebrate this memorial day in manful fashion, I bring you this:

Free tits.

Read more about my new project: Dick Masterson’s Classy Broads.

Yesterday, I was sent this email by a dumb bitch who I will refer to as “Winona” — because that’s her name.

From: Empress Winona
Subject: I’m going to sue you

Someone has posted my number on your site. I have since gotten death threats by phone mentioning your website. We have recorded the call, found the owner of the phone and intend to prosecute.

Remove my number from you website. We plan to see you in court as well for allowing women’s personally information posted, violating their privacy and security rights.

Not an intelligent practice if you want to avoid prison.

The authorities have already recorded the information listed on your site and it will be presented it court. The longer you allow the content to remain, the more damage it does to you and your “movement”.

Remove my number from your site now.

That is the entire email. At the time it was sent, I was on the Toucher and Rich show in Boston 104.1 FM explaining to some broad why it’s not men’s responsibility to make fat women feel good about themselves. It’s actually men’s responsibility to make fat women feel bad about themselves. That’s called a big fat incentive to lose your big fat ass.

Attention she-pigs: the easiest way to end your shame and misery is to hit the treadmill.

I knew the dozy bitch was as fat as a house because only fat women give a shit about fat woman problems. The rest of the world doesn’t care. And why should it? Fat women are useless.

Naturally, her response was, “well, men are fat too!” I know you are, but what am I. A classic defense. If arguing with women was chess, that would be the only move in the book. [Read more]

In 2006, 86 billion dollars was blown on weddings. This number is misleading, however, as it does not include all the bullshit newly married women buy in an effort to wash the stain of ex-girlfriend off of their new husband’s old furniture.

Yes. Women think like that.

The 86 billion dollar Wedding Waste also does not account for all the vacation plans and work days your average wedding fucks with — especially mine. The real dollar figure is probably in the trillions. Remember when Jennifer Aniston shut down the PCH for her wedding? How much did that bitch cost?

Weddings are obviously a business for dress makers, photographers, videographers, caterers, shitty DJ’s, bakers, florists, musicians, priests, Elvis priests, limo drivers, divorce attorneys, and the entire “chick flick” industry, but more importantly, weddings are a business for you: the groom. Whether you like it or not!

Congratulations, gay people of California. Welcome to hell. [Read more]

“Hi. Um, you know, it’s really, really unfortunate what happened today. Thoughts and prayers are with him, with his family and hopefully he can get back on the track soon and be able to do what he loves. Thank you.” – Danica Patrick

What the man in question “loves” is not getting hit by race cars — specially race cars driven by professional cocktease and race car driver Danica Patrick.

Last week, Danica Patrick proved once and for all that women do belong in professional car racing. They belong in the winner’s circle in a bikini, blasting cheap champagne all over celebrating men with awesome mustaches.

Women do not belong in the drivers seat. Women never belong in the driver’s seat. [Read more]

Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like children.

Didn’t accomplish anything this time around, sweetheart? That’s okay. Give it another shot after we bend the fuck out of the rules.

Scratch that. Feminism is the idea that women should be treated like spoiled children — who get do-overs and freebies until they’re chucking batteries at homeless people out the sunroof of their father’s BMW.

Well-raised kids get stuck with Dick Soup if that’s what they ordered. Do-overs are not a part of man-parenting. Do-overs are for ladies. [Read more]

If you thought about that question, you’re a woman. Fuck off my website.

Below is a short segment of the television show TMZ covering my appearance on Dr. Phil. Yes, TMZ calls me a “douche”. Yes, TMZ calls me an “actor”. But watch this clip “between the lines” and you’ll discover something mancredible.

TMZ agrees with me.

Which of these assholes would you hire to run your company?

I’m going to explain why you chose the one you did because I like explaining obvious shit in a humorous way. That’s why I wrote Men Are Better Than Women — on sale now.

What could be more obvious than men are better than women? Look at the size of our fucking heads! [Read more]

Download the audio

Remember to pick up your signed copy of Men Are Better Than Women at OprahisGoingtoShit.com. Each signed book comes with a limited edition 8×10 of yours truly.