Personal Problems

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Women who take out personal ads are some of the most damaged and desperate disasters walking the face of the Earth. For women with personal ads, free is too expensive, no sex is too much, and Armenian is the new black.

Personal ads are fine for men to have. Like most things, in the hands of men a personal ad can be both tasteful and hilarious. But like stripping, binge drinking, and voting, when women do it, it’s a sign of a major fucking problem.

For women, getting a date is like a man cleaning his bathroom. To get it done, all you have to do is lower your impossible standards, or drink enough to feel comfortable showing it to your friends.

If you’re ever convinced your girlfriend is crappy enough to stop having sex with (and she most probably is), here’s a fun mantivity for you to manjoy. Point your internet browser over to the nearest personals site.

For every 5 pounds your girlfriend should lose, a personals girl should lose 20.
For every guy your girlfriend has fucked, a personals girl has fucked one twice her age.
For every joke your girlfriend doesn’t laugh at, a personals girl says “soulmate” seven times.
For every penis joke your girlfriend laughs at, a personals girl has a “date rape” anecdote.
For every bill your girlfriend hasn’t paid, a personals girl has had two cars repossessed and only one of them was hers.
For every unwanted phone call you get from your girlfriend, a personals girl will call your parents looking for you when you don’t pick up.
For every awful perfume your girlfriend has, a personals girl has ten synonyms for “big fat fuck”.
For every time your girlfriend has fallen asleep on you at 10:30, a personals girl has passed out drunk in a bar.
For every time your girlfriend brings up marriage, a personals girl has been in a cult.
For every MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has posted six nude pictures of herself on an amateur porn website with only the bottom half of her face showing .
For every secret MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has an ex-boyfriend in your town who is a cop.
For every child your girlfriend doesn’t have, a personals girl has Herpes.

You may not think your paramour is the prize pig of the fair, but you will be shocked and horrified by the other sows out there on Skid Row, wriggling around in the excrement of their self-delusion and wondering when the fuck some prince is going to swoop in and tell them they don’t need to be as gorgeous as they are because they’re so goddamn intelligent and self-aware.

Women who place personal ads are ugly as shit and dumb. The only way they could be less self-aware was if their hair was on fire.

Men, being as great as we are, are always on the lookout for what’s bigger and better and, more importantly, a hotter and therefore truer reflection of us. We especially apply these manciples to our mates. If we didn’t, human beings wouldn’t have thumbs or colons. We would still be climbing trees and shitting all over monkey-selves without the dexterity to change our pants after doing so. Think about it. Without a lust for spousal betterment, a hundred million years ago, sea-men would have just sat around, fucking whatever came their way and not giving a damn about evolution.

The Penis is the secret ingredient of evolution.

Women can thank us for the very few differences there are that separate them from chimpanzees.

Pig Shit Crazy

When women place personal ads, they have the unique ability to exhibit all negative personality traits at one time; even though some might contradict each other. Women are the Schrodinger’s Cat of Embarrassing Self-Delusion. Here’s an example.

Please do not respond if you are a superficial asshole who treats girls like a game, or if you are sexist, unmotivated, or insensitive!

I guess that’s what women call multi-tasking: looking desperate, arrogant, and used all at the same time. Here’s another gem:

I enjoy getting out for new adventures with the right person.

The picture attached to that one was about a dollar short of three bills. What adventures can you take a hippopotamus on? The Rascal ride down the dessert aisle at Ralph’s? I’m up for a new adventure too, but it isn’t climbing a flesh colored bean bag with my credit card.

Men don’t dump our most desperate masturbatory fantasies into our personal ads like we’re finger painting with Vasoline. At least I’m sure we don’t. I don’t know because I have never read a man’s personal ad. I’ve only read women’s and each one I have was more painful than the time I was tricked into reading a fan fiction script of House MD where House and Foreman have sex. But even that was better than the personal ads. At least I learned something.

Just because something you download says, “Official leaked script for fourth season House opener”, doesn’t mean that it is. It’s actually some cocksucker’s hilarious idea of a joke. Just like calling yourself spiritual doesn’t mean you’re not a cunt and calling yourself a vegan doesn’t mean you don’t sweat avocados.

Bad News, Bad News

Men don’t play Good News, Bad News with our personals ads. We don’t toss “two kids?? or “anal warts?? in at the end of an otherwise pleasant monologue about ourselves. That’s because we’re classier than women. Women play a game called Desperate News, Bad News with their personal ads. The Desperate News is the striking and unusual tone of a woman who isn’t acting like an arrogant bitch in everything she says, and the Bad News is the reason why.

If you can’t find anything wrong with a woman’s personal ad, she’s waiting to tell you in person.

Dating 101

Women who place personal ads must have learned how dating works through the Mystery Date board game — or by playing Henry Rollins albums in reverse and drinking paint thinner. There’s no other explanation for some of their ad requirements.

“Marriage Minded.”

No shit? A woman who’s marriage minded? How about “Eats Food” or “Breathes Air”. The first word of “settling down” is the first step to placing a personal ad. It’s implied and mentioning it is completely unnecessary unless you’re trying to look more desperate than you already do — which is impossible.

“Let’s meet and see if there’s a spark!”

What the fuck are the other options? Dial random numbers on the telephone and see if fate connects our love lines? Put all of our favorite movies and TV shows into a computer and have it spit out a Yay or Go Fuck Yourself? I bet women would love it if the government did that, since they’re all fascists.


If you ever take a girl out who you met on Craigslist, make sure you bring a box of See’s candy to throw at her like flak while you’re making your escape to the nearest gym. Gyms are like churches to vampires for girls who are too desperate and backwards to get guys the natural way.

I’m not saying girls who place personal ads are undateable. Actually I am. However, there are a few who are not unfuckable. Fucking them is just finishing the job their father started by smacking the crap out of them.

While I was researching this article, I discovered a new euphemism for “fat as a house” that women use in their online personal ads. It’s called “I like AdultSwim”. If her profile has any quotes from a Master Shake, it’s because she drinks three a day, and they’re not the Slim Fast variety.