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Women think that they somehow own rape — as though rape itself were a wedding and no man could have an opinion about it.

Actually, that was more profound than I thought it was going to be.

More men than women are raped every year. I, Dick Masterson, am taking back rape like I took back the vote. It’s a man thing and women aren’t allowed to have an opinion on it.

Rape is one of the most underreported crimes in the world. That’s because women don’t really give a shit about it. I sat on my seatbelt one time. It sucked and I was sore for a bit, but I cranked some metal all the way to work and by the time I got there, I didn’t give a shit. That’s basically the same as women and rape. They just need an extra long shower.

Extra long showers are metal for women.

Only 16% of rapes and sexual assaults are reported to the police. If women love to hate rape so much, then why do they constantly miss the opportunity to do something about it? Because they’re women. If rolling her eyes doesn’t fix the problem, it’s passed to the nearest man.

More men are raped every year than women. When I decided that, I was initially shocked at the statistics, which indicated the opposite: that I was wrong.

Prison rape statistics put the annual number of prisoner rape at approximately 7,000 a year. The average number of women who are “sexually assaulted” every year is 200,780.

That’s a big fucking difference. Like a wedding or menopause, it looks like women should own rape and be able to say whatever they want about it. However, like usual when dealing with women, I knew there was some bullshit afoot with that staggering 200,000.

When I forced my man-probe of investigation into this data, I discovered that “sexual assault” is not the same as rape. Apparently women aren’t going by the long-established and very manly Clinton definition of “sexual” when they define “assault”. If it didn’t fit, you must acquit.

64,080 of sexual assaults involve actual rape. And a staggeringly low 26% of these rapes were committed by an actual stranger.

A roommate who drinks all your beer isn’t a thief, he’s just a dick. A younger brother who burns your toys isn’t an arsonist, he’s just a dick. A guy who fucks a drunk girl who passed out in his bed isn’t a rapist, he’s just a dick. Get over it.

26% of 64,000 rape victims is 16,640 women. Getting your boob grabbed on the subway isn’t rape.

A woman might think these pruning measures should be applied to my prison man-rape statistics, but if anything, prison rape is probably more underreported than regular rape.

I have something I call the Treasure Map of Truth that I use when dealing with women. Step one is determining what women actually mean with a word like “sexually”. They never mean what you think they mean. Step two means figuring out how much of it was her fault. It’s usually very high. In this case, 74%. And step three is see where she’s lying her fucking ass off.

Less than half of accused rapists are convicted. 54% to be mancise. That means any man accused of and arrested for rape is likely to not have done shit. Can anyone say Duke Lacrosse?

If 54% of rapes didn’t actually happen, then that reported 16,640 goes down to 7,654.

If I was a woman, that’s where I would stop. 7,654 women and 6,908 men are raped every year and it looks like women barely squeaked out a majority on this one. That doesn’t mean it’s theirs, but it does make me wrong, which I’m much more concerned about.

By all conservative estimates, 10% of rape victims are male. That means the final rape statistics for any given year are 7,750 men and 6,750 women.

Men are better than women.

Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Do Not Pass Go