I’ll Take How To Fuck My Life Up For 1000, Alex.

Everyone knows the old saying, “Don’t let a bald man cut your hair.” It sticks because the guy’s bald and that’s funny first of all, but it’s also poignant. Having no hair of his own for who knows how long, the bald man has probably lost some of his touch when it comes to dealing with your foliculas. Or perhaps he has seen the light of the Chrome Dome — and enjoyed some of the more esoteric benefits of the bald life-style, and will now attempt to convert you without your consent. Whatever happens, you’re not getting your fucking hair cut.

Today I propose a similar saying for posterity which is based on the same theme: someone with no frame of reference, no experience, and no fucking clue at all shouldn’t be doing something that will result in the failure and sabotage of another.

Here it comes…

Never ask a fucking woman for relationship advice!

In this case, the bald man, AKA the clueless jerk, has been changed to a woman. As we all know, women have no clue how to behave in a relationship — or have a relationship at all. Women can’t even manage careers and relationships at the same time. That’s why there’s single women over thirty. I mean for fuck’s sake, men have been doing that since the first human being got hungry for the first time. It’s a bit unfair to the bald man, but there’s not saying that says, “Don’t let lice cut your hair,” because that’s gross and no one would ever say it so the barber will have to do.

The latter half of the saying: the hair cutting and the advice giving by a woman can easily be extrapolated into catastrophe. A huge fucking catastrophe.

If you haven’t experienced this phenomenon on your own, I highly recommend it as a source of entertainment. Simply fabricate a relationship problem. A simple relationship problem with a simple solution — the simpler the better, and ask a woman for help.

Here’s an example if you have better things to do than sit around and think up bullshit problems. You’re a man so obviously you don’t have any experience in doing that.

My spouse has a methadone problem, what should I do?


My girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do?

Ho boy. If you thought making women spell was hilarious, wait until you hear the cluster fuck of stupid brainstorms that comes out of their mouths when they try their hands at relationship advice. Women are God’s MadLibs, the sentences fly and its wacky fun and silliness for everyone — as long as your idea of wacky fun and silliness contain the words “support”, “true love”, and “soul mate” lighting up the bullshit mound like a fucking Christmas tree.

Obviously any man in the same position will do the only sensible thing, take you to the bus station himself, and buy you a one-way ticket. Women are not evaluators. We know that. They don’t realize that when you’re stuck between a rock and a fucked place, you just need to cut anchor. That’s why so many women get the shit kicked out of them, because they listen to their own advice.