Will a Prostitute Brush Your Teeth?

Women hog everything. They’re bed hogs, they’re attention hogs, and they’re vagina hogs. Try to get a little vagina for yourself and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Unless you’re waving a white flag that looks like a fifty dollar bill, you’ll get your hand bitten off like you’re reaching for the Baco’s at a Jenny Craig convention.

Men have dicks and we share them. Women act like their vaginas are cell phone minutes. You use ’em, you lose ’em. If only divorce was that easy.

If someone told you that the only way to get a finger stuck in your ear was if you called the person doing it your “Major Tom”, you’d tell them to go fuck themselves. A woman wouldn’t. She’d buy a t-shirt that said it in glitter.

Replace finger, ear, and Major Tom, with dick, vagina, and “soul mate”, and you’ve got a wedding on your hands. Put your Man Points in a box and mail them to Never.

Women are also sink hogs and they brush their teeth like rude, thoughtless pigs.

Alec Baldwin put it best, women are “rude, thoughtless pigs” on the road, they’re “rude, thoughtless pigs” at work, and they’re “rude, thoughtless pigs” in the bathroom.

No one tells you before you live with a woman for the first time, but they are as messy and dirty as a Chinese bullfight. If a woman can make it through a week without using everything in the kitchen and bathroom at least twice, then it must be her honeymoon because she hasn’t unwrapped all the matching bullshit yet.

Men are as clean as gods when it comes to our manors — which we lord over in a manly way. We’re clean because we don’t make messes in the first place; with an infinite number of chemicals and lotions that won’t turn us into jail bait. I haven’t cleaned my bathroom in 9 months and you could eat off the floor. That’s because I pay women to clean it for me.

Cleaning is something poor people have to do. And one of the reasons women make terrible parents is because they teach their children how to be poor. If women wanted a better life for their kids, they wouldn’t nag their children to clean their rooms, they would nag their children to learn a new skill. They would nag their children to read an accounting book or a free TRW How The Fuck Does My Credit Work? pamphlet. You can’t unlearn how to handle your money. Just like you can’t make more than minimum wage cleaning my bathroom.

Unless you’re Mr Clean.

Mrs. Butterworths was a fat pig who probably hung her face over the sink while her husband was trying to brush his teeth as well. If your woman is hogging your sink, do what I do, spit on the back of her head. She’ll learn. Women hate when you get shit in their hair.