The Saving Grace

Throughout the ages, men have become timeless legends for sharing their unique gifts with the world. Mozart was a famous piano man. Hippocrates was a famous doctor man. Richard Simmons was a famous girlie man.

The point is that no woman can claim the same. Hey how about that. I’m a rhyming man by intuition and I was not aware of the predisposition.

Sure women can become timeless legends, but it’s always for one thing and one thing only.

Being a cocksucker.

Monica Lewinsky, Cleopatra, Mary Magdalene; come on. Honestly, who can think of any women more timelessly legendary than those harlots? Joan of Arc doesn’t count either because she was just schizophrenic, and these days we lock your ass up for that shit. Either that or she had advanced Syphilis by the time she was 12. Not that that disproves my point at all.

Today’s article is about being talented. We all see where I’m going with it already. Men are better than women at being talented not because they can be talented in so many more things than women, but because men share. Men share their gifts and the fruits of their talents with the world.

A man who is talented will write plays for your amusement, paint wonders for your enjoyment, or lift heavy things. Ask me to lift something extremely heavy if you ever see me in the street and I won’t turn you down. That’s because I’m a man and I share my blessings with no hint of greed or the gimmie-ism that so befouls the female race.

On second thought, don’t do it. Since you’re all men here, something like that would cost us both a heaping shitload of man points. Ask me to do something like reaffirm your directions. That’s a talent I can share with man-punity.

Men have talents all over the spectrum. From arts to smarts and business to fitness, you can bet your ass that there’s a man somewhere in the world who can do it like he was born to do so. That’s man power. That’s why man’s strength is in the fact that we don’t hate the fuck out of one another.

On the flip side, and it may come as a surprise to anyone who has ever paid anyone money to do anything to hear this, but women can also be talented. Some women, for example, can have large breasts. That’s a perfectly valid woman-talent. I think I’ve already mentioned the other.

The point here is that if you try to appreciate women for their natural talents, they’ll make you feel like a shithead. Does anyone think Liszt went to his grave bitching and moaning about how everyone loved him as a composer and musician, but he wasn’t really sure if they loved the real him. What the fuck the real him? What does that shit even mean?

Men know that you are nothing more than the sum of your parts — your talents, your job, your car in some parts of the world. If all you’ve got is a huge desire to build bridges, don’t act surprised when they put “Bridge Builder” on your fucking tombstone. That’s all you were.