Weddings are Golden Toilets…Flush

Is it any surprise to no one that a woman’s second favorite past-time: having a wedding, is a huge waste of time and money?

It sure is.

Or it sure isn’t. I’m not really sure how to answer that question, so I’ll just say it. Weddings are a complete waste of time and money and are the stupidest thing that a new couple can do.

Let me give a hypothetical situation that may or may not have happened six thousand, five hundred times a day every day this year — in America alone.

Johnny Everyman (twenty-five years old with a degree in Business and Economics and a summer job selling kitchen knives) is going to enter into a bond of legal matrimony with Jill Princess-Complex (twenty-two with a degree in Art History and who has never had a job that earned more than minimum wage in her life). Sound familiar? You bet it does.

Is this new couple going to:

A) Put a down payment on a house with their savings and token gifts from family members and friends.
B) Elope for like a hundred bucks to beautiful and romantic Downtown Courthouse.
C) Have an extravaganzic gala that will drain their bank accounts, stock their kitchen with glitzy, over-priced wares from Eddie Bauer, and leave every moment in their relationship from that point on to lurk in the shadows of lost potential.

That’s why men think weddings are stupid. Because we’re better than women at starting a family and laying the foundations for a healthy relationship with a significant other. Call us all softies for it if you want, but it’s completely true.

Here’s fact that may surprise you in a fun way. Even on women’s home turf: weddings, men can run circles around them. For instance — you might want to step back for this one — how many women do you think know the 6 C’s of diamonds, the main ingredient to any engagement ring? As a man, I can just rattle them right off the top of my head and for all you know I’m not even married.


And of course the sixth C is the one wearing it.

The bottom line is that calling a comb “Indestructible” doesn’t make it so. It’s still just a plastic piece of shit that isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.

Next time you’re going to get married men, just think about it like this: Don’t.