The 300 And When Women Evolved Mouths

If you haven’t seen this movie called The 300, then you need to do it immediately. As a man, it might be the most important film you ever see.

The message of The 300 is clear from the first ten seconds — ten seconds that don’t fuck around at all even for one of those seconds.

Are you a man? Awesome. Are you a woman? Fuck you.

Men are better than women.

The 300 is a blood-soaked, war-mongering sausage-fest of violence and gore. It’s about the battle for freedom in the mythical land of Sparta against all these dicks from somewhere I don’t give a shit about. More importantly, The 300 is about how all men are ass-kicking machines with abs of steel and how everyone else in the world can kiss our ass.

There was this one part in The 300 where a guy pulled a sword out of his own arm. When I saw that, something immediately came to mind.

That is not the manliest thing I’ve ever seen.

I have seen a man pull a fish hook the size a pencil out of his hand. I have seen a man lift a Jeep. I have seen a man pay for the dinners of more than six people at the same time.

That’s manly.

When has a woman ever paid for the dinners of six people? Fucking never. I guess women can’t count to seven, or at least they can’t divide by it, because every time a check arrives that has more digits on the left side of the period than it does on the right, every woman at the table tries to emphasize her rack as much as possible. That is, unless she’s already passed out in your lap like a fucking five-year-old.

Here’s a question. When the check comes, why do women hum and haw and pretend like anyone expects them to pay for anything? Not a single man in the world expects a fully fed woman to reach for her wallet. Her arms have obviously become too engorged on a feast she could never hope to value because she has no fucking frame of reference for fine cuisine.

Women eating at a restaurant is like you getting dropped off in the middle of Star Wars behind the counter of an intergalactic Hot Dog on a Stick.

�?I’d like to purchase a Grooble Grobble, please.�?

Well good for them, because you have no idea how much anything costs in Star Wars and no idea how much money is worth. That’s a woman to a ‘T’.

In The 300, no woman was ever asked for her opinion about anything.

There was a time in the world when women shut the fuck up, and why this ended I have never fully attempted to wrap my man brain around. Well The 300 showed me why.

Today, men run the world. We build computers and helicopters and we make cars faster and safer. We mine the coal that bakes the iron that shapes the lead of the overpriced bed little princesses from nine to ninety lay their heads on night after night.

Men ruled the world in Sparta too, but when we did it with a sword and rock hard abs women could see it with their eyes like it was a finger painting. You could take a woman a half mile out of town and say, “See all that ass kicking going on over there? Shut the fuck up.�?

Today, men still do everything. The problem is women don’t understand computers and shit. They think it’s magic. They think they did it somehow — by wanting to fuck a rockstar.