Women wear lipstick and blush to simulate the increased blood flow in their faces during sex. They wear eye shadow so their eyes look bigger and their pupils more dilated — just like during sex. They wear necklaces to draw attention to their cleavage, which reminds men of the butt — sexually, and they grow their nails out to look easily rape-able.

What the fuck does a purse say about sex? I remembered to bring condoms?

Thanks for nothing. Condoms are stupid.

I want to see a stripper with a purse as much as I want to see her with a 300 pound bouncer while she’s walking to her car. Purses are annoying and they ruin strip clubs.

Nice work. You remembered to bring condoms for all the sex we won’t be having. Thanks for reminding me.

Women are ruining strip clubs.

Unless you’re married to a drag queen, there’s no chance in hell a feather boa and seven inch platform Chuck Taylor All-Stars are going to remind you of your wife. That’s what strip clubs are all about after all: wives. They’re not selfishly about men wanting to see naked women. They are much more unselfishly about the women we love — and how much we want to fucking forget about them for a little while. A little while that always happens to be about two hours, 160 bucks, and however long The Whisper Song is because she threw that one in for free as a birthday present.

If the stripper’s union is keeping track, I’ll be turning 72 this year.

Purses remind us that strippers are still women; and thus slaves to their stupid, womanly desires. With that sort of obnoxious shit making an on-stage cameo, I’m surprised I can still get an erection, let alone a two and a half hour erection.

Strippers wear high heels because heels flex their calf muscles in a way that only an extra hour a day on the elliptical machine would otherwise do. For normal women, heels are a cheap and tawdry trick on your maleness. It’s like a man stuffing his wallet full of Monopoly money and then complaining all night about how hard it is to sit on while everyone else is paying the check.

Strippers are at the gym every second of the day that they’re not chasing ecstasy with a Mr. T’s version of “blending in�?.

Heels are a stripper’s 25th Hour.

Purses don’t make your ass look any less fat or your stretch marks look any less like Gorbachev’s turkey chin. If strippers really need another accessory, try a positive attitude or a tax return. That sure as shit doesn’t remind me of anyone’s wife.

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