Men Are Better Than Women…In Bed

Every time I piss a woman off by being especially profound, and every time I get a piece of hate mail, it starts with the same thing.

“Good luck getting laid, you gay jerk!”

Why is it that women never threaten to take away a meaningful relationship or a decent conversation? Or at least a conversation that doesn’t need a new type of punctuation invented to be properly transcribed.

Apparently, when I say all women are whores, I’m a “gay jerk�?, but when women say it (or imply it in this case), they’re making the world a better place through name calling.

As I recall from my Women’s Studies classes at Bar University, being a jerk does not earn you a seat at the virgin table. Women treat assholes like rockstars and community college professors. They’ll do anything except show up on time and keep their mouths shut to get a piece.

Secondly, men are better at having sex with women than women are at having sex with men. Say that ten times fast — while you’re having sex.

If I don’t get laid, it’s the woman’s loss, not mine. It’s all women’s loss. What the fuck else are they going to talk about during Ladies Night? Their hopes and dreams? Isn’t that the same thing?

In order to determine which gender is the better cocksperson, we would need to ask some sort of half-man, half-woman bisexual type of creature — like something out of a Greek tragedy. Well call me Awesomecles because I have determined the answer exactly except without any of the gay sex.

Men fuck for our own benefits. Women fuck to please men. If women knew anything about economics, other than that they don’t understand them for shit, they would realize that the best way to do anything is selfishly.

The Old Man in the Sea wasn’t written to satisfy a contractual obligation or a quota. Neither was Cat Scratch Fever. And the pyramids weren’t built for the fuck of it.

Remember that movie where Sean Connery says “You’re the man now dog”. The point of that movie is that greatness comes from a desire to please yourself. And that includes sex.

Bill Gates is one selfish motherfucker. He has an unquenchable thirst for philanthropy. He’s so fucking selfish that he’s thrown away billions of dollars just to satisfy this insane lust for giving.

All men fuck like we’re Bill Gates.