Women Want To Fuck Squid

Women are as adventurous with their culinary tastes as waiting in line for a ski lift — a ski lift that leads to the DMV.

Would the lady care for some calamari this evening?

Ew, gross! It’s squid!

How about some veal?

Ew, gross! I care more about baby cows than I do about the African children who mined these diamond earrings!

And everyone knows it.

Women hate to eat anything new. They hate to try anything new as well. That’s where the phrase “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” comes from. They’re talking about women.

Ever wonder why no one has invented a new sexual position in a thousand years? It’s because women won’t try them out and won’t pass them on. I’ve invented three myself, but they’ll die with me because the women I’ve tried them with said they were “stupid�? and “uncomfortable�?.

I’ll tell you what’s “stupid�? and “uncomfortable�?; going to a Married With Children Series Finale wrap party and have your date walk up to Griff saying, “Oh my god! You’re the cop aren’t you!�?

No, honey. He’s just black.

Oysters, calamari, snails, and other gross delicacies are great appetizers precisely because they’re gross. Grossness is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Why do you think women are so in love with French men? It’s not because French men are romantic. They talk like they have marbles in their fucking mouths. Is the teacher from the Peanuts cartoons romantic? No.

French men are disgusting. And that makes them irresistible to women.

All the French get 200 Man Points for that. I don’t know what the conversion rate for Man Points is these days, but if I recall correctly, whoever belongs to the country currently at war gets the multiplier.

La guerre est masculin.

Aphrodisiac is a Greek word for something that kick-starts a woman’s dormant sexual desires to fuck a football team and lands them right in your lap. While you and I, as men, look at squid, oysters, and all creatures on Earth as food, women see everything as a sexual Rorschach. It’s how God made them.

Sea creatures, and by extension sea food, arouse women’s sexual fantasies. That’s why they won’t eat them.