Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge
At the beginning of a new year, most people waste their time reflecting on the year past, compiling useless lists like “the top ten greatest catch phrases of 2007″, and “which young starlet had the most disappointing amateur porn of herself “unwantedly” posted to the internet in 2007″.
The greatest catch phrase of 2007 was “hit the treadmill” by myself, Dick Masterson, and I have never been more disappointed to see a pair of tits than I was with Vanessa Hudgens. Is she even legal? Reflection over. Now, it’s time for some manflection.
Men look forward, we don’t look back. We look upward, never downward. And if there’s a little girl running around, we look at our flies to make sure they’re closed. There’s no sense in traumatizing little girls with the unfathomable. In that spirit, I present the first annual 2008 Dick Masterson Man Challenge.
The Dick Masterson Man Challenge is a list of manly challenges you can and should undertake in the new year — if not for the personal growth, then for the Man Points. The 2008 Man Challenge is similar to a scavenger hunt with one exception: women are not allowed to play.
What the Man Challenge is not is a “new year’s resolution”.
Resolutions are stupid and prone to failure. You never see the word “resolution” mentioned in an advertisement targeting men for that reason. Men don’t buy failure. We don’t buy it in others, we don’t buy it in ourselves, and we don’t need a bunch of emotional buttering-up and preparation before making positive life changes. Women need a week of counseling before they even think of leaving an abusive husband. That’s pathetic.
The word “resolution” shows up as often as the word “empowered” in ads for women; ads like weight loss surgery centers and gym commercials. There are no gym commercials for men. Gyms don’t want male customers. Gyms make money by selling memberships to people who don’t have the drive or dedication to actually go to the gym. These types of people are called “women” and fail at weight loss just like they fail at everything in life. Women suck at new year’s resolutions.
Gyms make money when they don’t have to fix worn down facilities or machines broken by men who were lifting more weight than some idiot woman in a pink jumpsuit could even imagine. That’s why Curves, the gym for women, made so much money last year. Owning Curves is like running a chain of bars that only sell to millionaire alcoholics.
But back to my 2008 Man Challenge.
Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge
1. Don’t get a girlfriend: +3 Man Points per day
Girlfriends are Dumbo’s magic feather for your sex life. They’re supposed to make it easier for you to get laid; they’re supposed to contribute to your quality of life somehow via laundry or meal cooking; and someone once told me something hilarious about women providing companionship. I can’t even imagine how that’s possible. Women are not funny, they have no amusing stories, and they’re so insecure they need to be coddled even in their sleep. That’s not companionship. That’s called raising a foster kid.
My point is, Dumbo didn’t need the magic feather to fly and you don’t need a girlfriend to get laid. Calling the woman you want to bone a girlfriend doesn’t magically give her a vagina like Clarence and his wings in some sick version of the classic Christmas tale, “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
For every day of 2008 you go without getting a girlfriend, you get 3 Man Points. Leonardo da Vinci never had a girlfriend. Why should you?
2. Go to a hooker: +2,000 Man Points
Speaking of women putting out for less, I man-challenge you to go to a hooker in 2008. If the idea makes you uncomfortable for no good reason, call Oprah or your mom and talk about your feelings. Then, find an ATM and remember that VD is not as rampant as everyone says it is.
Strippers, hookers, and hot Asian masseuses are all still women. Don’t ever let a woman convince you otherwise. Prostitutes count for getting laid just as much as their bitchier, more expensive counterparts. Hookers have stupid thoughts, stupid notions about everything in the world, and fuck simple things up constantly. If those aren’t the three defining characteristics of a woman, then the women I’ve been dealing with and have heard about must actually be donkeys wearing woman suits around like Buffalo Bill.
Unlike regular women, a prostitute will not go out of her way to embarrass you in front of your friends. This service exists and it’s something you can pay for.
In a manlier time, prostitution was a respectable trade. Not respectable in the way of a politician or a doping super athlete, but respectable in the only way a woman can be respected: while she’s doing what a man told her to.
3. Get ejected from somewhere: +1,000 Man Points
The only thing a woman cares about is how she looks to everyone else. In a woman’s mind, it’s more important to be seen as an honest, loyal, and decent person than to actually be one. Find me one lady doctor who doesn’t wear makeup to work and I won’t change my mind because she’s probably still wearing earrings. Women are more interested in looking like doctors (or lawyers, or marines), than actually being them. She’s a woman first and a doctor second. Forget that and it will cost you a spleen.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a bar, a restaurant, or a church; if someone asks you to leave, you’re still you no matter how stupid you look. Fuck what everyone thinks. That’s a man challenge.
4. Drink a bottle of scotch: +50 Man Points
The state of manly drinking in the world today is deplorable. A few months ago, I saw something called a Strawberry Dream on a drink menu in a classy sushi restaurant. Someone ordered it and when it arrived I tipped it over on “accident”.
5. End or prevent a marriage: +10,000 Man Points
Marriage is fucked and stupid. Anything you can do to prevent it is manly.
Women ruin everything by trying to make it last forever. They save and scavenge for every bit of nostalgia like rats. They stifle the growth of their children until the kids would experience more of life by just staying in the womb. And you sure as shit don’t see men frantically taking pictures of one another having a good time while they’re out partying. That’s womanly and obnoxious — especially in a dark bar.
No matter how desperately women want to relive the past, a 50 dollar camera, a 6 dollar developing fee, and not getting too drunk because they don’t want to “feel icky” the next day is not going to do it.
It doesn’t matter whose marriage it is — it could be yours — if you fucked it up, you passed the 2008 Man Challenge.
The Greatest Catch Phrase of 2007.
Related Articles:
April 2nd, 2008 at 5:57 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
And gosh and gee and like yea and im a liar for saying i work in a law firm and gee i think i can fool all these men despite the fact that i write like a third garder gee-wow and im going to get my nails done…
Is it any wonder, Liza-the-Gibbon, why men think women are stupid when you post your thoughts stream-of-councioness style? Jesus, maybe a prostitute IS right for me. The truth maybe finally dawning….
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 am - IP Man-Hash: 74e56a790443a
well u truley dont have a dick dick so y dont u fuck off
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:15 am - IP Man-Hash: 74e56a790443a
well i hope u put ur lips over ur head and swallow your shity self out cuz you are just another piece of crap in this society
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:19 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
Could you at least stop being LAZY bitch and use capital letters in your writing? And write out “why”instead if “y”? Yea, I guess if I had to read law tomes all day, all the dust from them could rot my brain. Thats the only mechanism I can conceive of (assuming your honest, which is very doubtful) to explain your apparent idiocy. A more likely possibility is that you were dropped on your head when the nurse fell down on the freshly mopped hospital floor after your delivery.
You really are quite pathetic and you are a shame to your gender.
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:36 am - IP Man-Hash: 74e56a790443a
u son of a bitch u can call me a third grader girl but the truth is that ur thinking to ur self (oh my GOSH a woman can own a law firm … :s no way i cant belive it .. i wanna cry like a baby why cant i own something like a law firm and how come she can own a law firm when i know that women are not as smart as men …. :s :S :s :S :s)
and then u think ( well HAHAHA let me say that shes a liar and then no one will belive her yeah now my stupid shallow head will feel better )
well in ur face jerk ..
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 74e56a790443a
oh ND by the way since it’s a free speech i can say or writ what ever i want no matter who i am so Y are u so mad ABT it shity manhole
:P
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:40 am - IP Man-Hash: 74e56a790443a
is it too hard for ur penus sized brain to understand wht im writing well then ur a shame to ur gender
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:45 am - IP Man-Hash: a5f3a30b88dc6
She can’t even use capital letters in her writing, and still lies about herself.
Today, a darkness has fallen upon me. A sense of hoplessness and utter futility.
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:49 am - IP Man-Hash: 74e56a790443a
well i hope that the darkness well shed ur life as long as u are alive
enjoy the darkness
April 2nd, 2008 at 7:05 am - IP Man-Hash: ad097e2cab99c
Which one of of the laws of women mentioned taking more then 2 posts to actually say anything?
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
It’s fun to piss off whores. They’re so exploitable; their free entertainment has been archived and sorted for your convenience.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 666508dec08b7
Well, let’s see. If you read my post, then you would have realized that defending yourself as a woman is not the problem, it’s doing it well. Right now I’m embarrassed for you, because you’re feeding into the idea that women are incapable of expressing themselves well. Text messaging is the worst thing that has happened to our society. Your prose is awkward and difficult to read, your lack of grammar is painful to watch, and if you’re a lawyer then I’m six feet tall. Not because you’re a woman, but becuse no one that I know of that’s been through a credible college degree writes like you do.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 666508dec08b7
Ok, had my coffee now (HAHA earlier post from Dick). Texting’s not the WORST thing that has happened to our society, but definitely the worst thing to happen to the written word.
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3224b7f546409
Everything about this website, the content and the comments, makes my head explode. The gross generalizations of men and women by Dick are unbelievable. It almost seems as though he’s gotten all of his information from MTV and 4chan. Listen, from the moment girls are born they are bombarded with imagery of who they are supposed to be, namely thin, beautiful, White 20-year-olds. It is near impossible for people to escape the influence of society and those around them. Thus, girls learn to become mindless, image obsessed trophies for men to compete over. That is why women fall victim to infomercials and cure-all frauds and men do not. Men are told that if they are successful, funny, and good hearted enough they will get any woman they want, which often times helps men who do not fit the standards of male beauty. I have yet to witness this attitude for women. No matter how rich, powerful, or kind you are, if you’re “fat” and “ugly” you’re unfuckable. Which is another horrible assumption that Dick makes. According to him, the only reason any man has a girlfriend is to get free sex and has nothing to do with the desire to have a loving relationship with someone. This type of generalization about men is what causes such horrible views that women are responsible from protecting themselves from rape because every man is incapable of controlling their lust. And Dick’s comment about women needing theropy to leave abusive husbands? Yet another example of how the blame is put on the victim, that women are too weak to leave their abusers. Yet no one brings up the point of how to stop the creation of abusers to begin with. I have no respect for Dick’s views, and I get great comfort out of knowing that his kind will die out as human equality spreads and strengthens with time.
P.S. Man or woman, if you want to be taken seriously, don’t type like you’re a fucking 12-year-old on MySpace, you illiterate piece of shit.
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Hahahahaa.
And I get equal comfort in knowing the lie of equality and “your kind” will die out far sooner.
April 4th, 2008 at 8:28 am - IP Man-Hash: 330fdf66bc4a8
The lie of equality. Yes, the only lie I see is how politicians tell people who demand equal rights to shut the fuck up because everyone is already equal, thanks to their gracious charity. I don’t see why anyone shuns and mocks the idea of equality. God forbid we let everyone’s lives worth living. No, instead we’ll have everyone oppressed by the society that the ignorant, the non-thinking, and the beneficiaries perpetuate. Life is short, horribly short. Why must we spend all of it in such an unnecessary and absurd reality?
Yes, surely those who fight for equality should die out. That way everyone who doesn’t fit the system will be destroyed and we ca all live the same life for the rest of human existence.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:41 am - IP Man-Hash: bdb55b29728b2
Do you even know what you’re saying? Stop babbling.
April 5th, 2008 at 9:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c2f703d4b82c
Liza should be shot and left in a cow field. She’d prove more useful to society as plant fertilizer.
April 14th, 2008 at 1:20 am - IP Man-Hash: df92e3381357c
Dick you are right. All these point gains are really what it takes to be a man. You have a deep insight on the points - u just post them in a more funny way -
One greek philoshopher (Aristotle) said once
“Παση γυνί εστί πόρνη πλην της μητρός μας και ταύτης δια σεβασμό”
All women are whores besides our mother, and that, just out of respect
And another one
From ancient greek philosopher “Πράξανδρος”
“Εν της λυχνός σβηστής πάσι γυνί εστί ομοία”
With the lights out every woman is the same
I don’t hate women, I just believe that more or less all women are whores who demand attention, and their motive drive for existence is jealousy to each other or living out of a man. As for brains…. 0
Proof
How many times a woman won a chess competition? Answer 0
How many times u seen a woman army general? Answer 0
Women also complain for men cheating when at the same time they dress like whores…and what do they get..well ..fucked..both of them - because all women die to get any attention from any moving dick..and they don’t crave dick….they crave any attention from any dick. -as men we simply fuck them because thats what they crave - blaming us is not only pointless but selfish…and above all stupid
April 16th, 2008 at 5:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 09b607c8c4b90
OH NOES. You are surely right. I must give up my ways. You have convinced me that I am wrong.
Seriously. What are you harpies trying to accomplish by bothering us? Get back in the kitchen.