At the beginning of a new year, most people waste their time reflecting on the year past, compiling useless lists like “the top ten greatest catch phrases of 2007”, and “which young starlet had the most disappointing amateur porn of herself “unwantedly” posted to the internet in 2007″.
The greatest catch phrase of 2007 was “hit the treadmill” by myself, Dick Masterson, and I have never been more disappointed to see a pair of tits than I was with Vanessa Hudgens. Is she even legal? Reflection over. Now, it’s time for some manflection.
Men look forward, we don’t look back. We look upward, never downward. And if there’s a little girl running around, we look at our flies to make sure they’re closed. There’s no sense in traumatizing little girls with the unfathomable. In that spirit, I present the first annual 2008 Dick Masterson Man Challenge.
The Dick Masterson Man Challenge is a list of manly challenges you can and should undertake in the new year — if not for the personal growth, then for the Man Points. The 2008 Man Challenge is similar to a scavenger hunt with one exception: women are not allowed to play.
What the Man Challenge is not is a “new year’s resolution”.
Resolutions are stupid and prone to failure. You never see the word “resolution” mentioned in an advertisement targeting men for that reason. Men don’t buy failure. We don’t buy it in others, we don’t buy it in ourselves, and we don’t need a bunch of emotional buttering-up and preparation before making positive life changes. Women need a week of counseling before they even think of leaving an abusive husband. That’s pathetic.
The word “resolution” shows up as often as the word “empowered” in ads for women; ads like weight loss surgery centers and gym commercials. There are no gym commercials for men. Gyms don’t want male customers. Gyms make money by selling memberships to people who don’t have the drive or dedication to actually go to the gym. These types of people are called “women” and fail at weight loss just like they fail at everything in life. Women suck at new year’s resolutions.
Gyms make money when they don’t have to fix worn down facilities or machines broken by men who were lifting more weight than some idiot woman in a pink jumpsuit could even imagine. That’s why Curves, the gym for women, made so much money last year. Owning Curves is like running a chain of bars that only sell to millionaire alcoholics.
But back to my 2008 Man Challenge.
Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge
1. Don’t get a girlfriend: +3 Man Points per day
Girlfriends are Dumbo’s magic feather for your sex life. They’re supposed to make it easier for you to get laid; they’re supposed to contribute to your quality of life somehow via laundry or meal cooking; and someone once told me something hilarious about women providing companionship. I can’t even imagine how that’s possible. Women are not funny, they have no amusing stories, and they’re so insecure they need to be coddled even in their sleep. That’s not companionship. That’s called raising a foster kid.
My point is, Dumbo didn’t need the magic feather to fly and you don’t need a girlfriend to get laid. Calling the woman you want to bone a girlfriend doesn’t magically give her a vagina like Clarence and his wings in some sick version of the classic Christmas tale, “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
For every day of 2008 you go without getting a girlfriend, you get 3 Man Points. Leonardo da Vinci never had a girlfriend. Why should you?
2. Go to a hooker: +2,000 Man Points
Speaking of women putting out for less, I man-challenge you to go to a hooker in 2008. If the idea makes you uncomfortable for no good reason, call Oprah or your mom and talk about your feelings. Then, find an ATM and remember that VD is not as rampant as everyone says it is.
Strippers, hookers, and hot Asian masseuses are all still women. Don’t ever let a woman convince you otherwise. Prostitutes count for getting laid just as much as their bitchier, more expensive counterparts. Hookers have stupid thoughts, stupid notions about everything in the world, and fuck simple things up constantly. If those aren’t the three defining characteristics of a woman, then the women I’ve been dealing with and have heard about must actually be donkeys wearing woman suits around like Buffalo Bill.
Unlike regular women, a prostitute will not go out of her way to embarrass you in front of your friends. This service exists and it’s something you can pay for.
In a manlier time, prostitution was a respectable trade. Not respectable in the way of a politician or a doping super athlete, but respectable in the only way a woman can be respected: while she’s doing what a man told her to.
3. Get ejected from somewhere: +1,000 Man Points
The only thing a woman cares about is how she looks to everyone else. In a woman’s mind, it’s more important to be seen as an honest, loyal, and decent person than to actually be one. Find me one lady doctor who doesn’t wear makeup to work and I won’t change my mind because she’s probably still wearing earrings. Women are more interested in looking like doctors (or lawyers, or marines), than actually being them. She’s a woman first and a doctor second. Forget that and it will cost you a spleen.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a bar, a restaurant, or a church; if someone asks you to leave, you’re still you no matter how stupid you look. Fuck what everyone thinks. That’s a man challenge.
4. Drink a bottle of scotch: +50 Man Points
The state of manly drinking in the world today is deplorable. A few months ago, I saw something called a Strawberry Dream on a drink menu in a classy sushi restaurant. Someone ordered it and when it arrived I tipped it over on “accident”.
5. End or prevent a marriage: +10,000 Man Points
Marriage is fucked and stupid. Anything you can do to prevent it is manly.
Women ruin everything by trying to make it last forever. They save and scavenge for every bit of nostalgia like rats. They stifle the growth of their children until the kids would experience more of life by just staying in the womb. And you sure as shit don’t see men frantically taking pictures of one another having a good time while they’re out partying. That’s womanly and obnoxious — especially in a dark bar.
No matter how desperately women want to relive the past, a 50 dollar camera, a 6 dollar developing fee, and not getting too drunk because they don’t want to “feel icky” the next day is not going to do it.
It doesn’t matter whose marriage it is — it could be yours — if you fucked it up, you passed the 2008 Man Challenge.