Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge
At the beginning of a new year, most people waste their time reflecting on the year past, compiling useless lists like “the top ten greatest catch phrases of 2007″, and “which young starlet had the most disappointing amateur porn of herself “unwantedly” posted to the internet in 2007″.
The greatest catch phrase of 2007 was “hit the treadmill” by myself, Dick Masterson, and I have never been more disappointed to see a pair of tits than I was with Vanessa Hudgens. Is she even legal? Reflection over. Now, it’s time for some manflection.
Men look forward, we don’t look back. We look upward, never downward. And if there’s a little girl running around, we look at our flies to make sure they’re closed. There’s no sense in traumatizing little girls with the unfathomable. In that spirit, I present the first annual 2008 Dick Masterson Man Challenge.
The Dick Masterson Man Challenge is a list of manly challenges you can and should undertake in the new year — if not for the personal growth, then for the Man Points. The 2008 Man Challenge is similar to a scavenger hunt with one exception: women are not allowed to play.
What the Man Challenge is not is a “new year’s resolution”.
Resolutions are stupid and prone to failure. You never see the word “resolution” mentioned in an advertisement targeting men for that reason. Men don’t buy failure. We don’t buy it in others, we don’t buy it in ourselves, and we don’t need a bunch of emotional buttering-up and preparation before making positive life changes. Women need a week of counseling before they even think of leaving an abusive husband. That’s pathetic.
The word “resolution” shows up as often as the word “empowered” in ads for women; ads like weight loss surgery centers and gym commercials. There are no gym commercials for men. Gyms don’t want male customers. Gyms make money by selling memberships to people who don’t have the drive or dedication to actually go to the gym. These types of people are called “women” and fail at weight loss just like they fail at everything in life. Women suck at new year’s resolutions.
Gyms make money when they don’t have to fix worn down facilities or machines broken by men who were lifting more weight than some idiot woman in a pink jumpsuit could even imagine. That’s why Curves, the gym for women, made so much money last year. Owning Curves is like running a chain of bars that only sell to millionaire alcoholics.
But back to my 2008 Man Challenge.
Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge
1. Don’t get a girlfriend: +3 Man Points per day
Girlfriends are Dumbo’s magic feather for your sex life. They’re supposed to make it easier for you to get laid; they’re supposed to contribute to your quality of life somehow via laundry or meal cooking; and someone once told me something hilarious about women providing companionship. I can’t even imagine how that’s possible. Women are not funny, they have no amusing stories, and they’re so insecure they need to be coddled even in their sleep. That’s not companionship. That’s called raising a foster kid.
My point is, Dumbo didn’t need the magic feather to fly and you don’t need a girlfriend to get laid. Calling the woman you want to bone a girlfriend doesn’t magically give her a vagina like Clarence and his wings in some sick version of the classic Christmas tale, “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
For every day of 2008 you go without getting a girlfriend, you get 3 Man Points. Leonardo da Vinci never had a girlfriend. Why should you?
2. Go to a hooker: +2,000 Man Points
Speaking of women putting out for less, I man-challenge you to go to a hooker in 2008. If the idea makes you uncomfortable for no good reason, call Oprah or your mom and talk about your feelings. Then, find an ATM and remember that VD is not as rampant as everyone says it is.
Strippers, hookers, and hot Asian masseuses are all still women. Don’t ever let a woman convince you otherwise. Prostitutes count for getting laid just as much as their bitchier, more expensive counterparts. Hookers have stupid thoughts, stupid notions about everything in the world, and fuck simple things up constantly. If those aren’t the three defining characteristics of a woman, then the women I’ve been dealing with and have heard about must actually be donkeys wearing woman suits around like Buffalo Bill.
Unlike regular women, a prostitute will not go out of her way to embarrass you in front of your friends. This service exists and it’s something you can pay for.
In a manlier time, prostitution was a respectable trade. Not respectable in the way of a politician or a doping super athlete, but respectable in the only way a woman can be respected: while she’s doing what a man told her to.
3. Get ejected from somewhere: +1,000 Man Points
The only thing a woman cares about is how she looks to everyone else. In a woman’s mind, it’s more important to be seen as an honest, loyal, and decent person than to actually be one. Find me one lady doctor who doesn’t wear makeup to work and I won’t change my mind because she’s probably still wearing earrings. Women are more interested in looking like doctors (or lawyers, or marines), than actually being them. She’s a woman first and a doctor second. Forget that and it will cost you a spleen.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a bar, a restaurant, or a church; if someone asks you to leave, you’re still you no matter how stupid you look. Fuck what everyone thinks. That’s a man challenge.
4. Drink a bottle of scotch: +50 Man Points
The state of manly drinking in the world today is deplorable. A few months ago, I saw something called a Strawberry Dream on a drink menu in a classy sushi restaurant. Someone ordered it and when it arrived I tipped it over on “accident”.
5. End or prevent a marriage: +10,000 Man Points
Marriage is fucked and stupid. Anything you can do to prevent it is manly.
Women ruin everything by trying to make it last forever. They save and scavenge for every bit of nostalgia like rats. They stifle the growth of their children until the kids would experience more of life by just staying in the womb. And you sure as shit don’t see men frantically taking pictures of one another having a good time while they’re out partying. That’s womanly and obnoxious — especially in a dark bar.
No matter how desperately women want to relive the past, a 50 dollar camera, a 6 dollar developing fee, and not getting too drunk because they don’t want to “feel icky” the next day is not going to do it.
It doesn’t matter whose marriage it is — it could be yours — if you fucked it up, you passed the 2008 Man Challenge.
The Greatest Catch Phrase of 2007.
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(yeah, right)
um, have you thought of, like, standing up and turning around and…you know, doing stuff?
In addition to that, she is currently standing over my shoulder monitoring what i type. This is bullshit.
Oh yeah, almost forgot. I don’t get sex, either. Awesome.
She also tells me to “shut it” when I speak. I am afraid to say anything to her, in fear of my life. She nearly threw me down the stairwell. I barely caught myself on the adjacent door frame.
GOD HELP ME
It’s incalculable. Thank God keeping track of Man Points is a loss of Man Points.
-Dick
ha! that was funny!
ELOELO,
Marry a hooker? read the last rule…
End or prevent a marriage: +10,000 Man Points
that includes YOURS…….
So, I got divorced, right? 10,000 man points, kudos to me.
I ended up getting re-married to the same woman… the very same day. What the fuck is wrong with me, right?
Wondering what the loss of man points on that one would be. It’s got to be catastrophic.
i did all those challenges last year.this year i am just going to fuck more hookers.they are just so way better than girlfriends.whats the bonus point if i marry a hooker.
All right, all right, guys, great joke. But who would seriously believe a cavewoman would know how to type?
My New Year’s resolution is never to have to clean a scrote toilet ever again.
Wow. What a disgusting race of pigs. It stinks like Hell in a male HellHole, and you fuckers can’t find the bowl. You don’t flush the urinal, you don’t wash your sicko wandering hands, and you crap all over the toilet fuckin’ seat.
The younger versions of you grafitti everywhere, or act like smart fucks, the one’s in their twenties are only after a root (no meaning/no feelings - pathetic), the one’s of u in 30’s are smart arse freaks wearing suits or whistling at women who don’t want to be whistled at - the women that do like it are genetic freaks/sluts/bogans (same thing) - go for them. The one’s in their forties start getting fat, or get overly “buffed”, which also look s fake. Hit 50, and you’re all either having affairs behind your sincere partners - like rabid dogs - or watching football and pretending you’re that wanker out there on the sporting arena wearing a scrote box protector - only wimp scrotes wear them - and most of them are constantly re-arranging their genitalia. In public? FUCK! GROSS. Public display of scrotum arrangement when I’m trying to have lunch. Typical dildo male fucker.
After that, Hugh Heffner is your Idol. Low life fuckers.
What else is there to say. I have never met a decent male.
Well, while I don’t plan on passing challenge number five, I’m going to at least take a small amount of pride in that I married a woman who knows how to click a submit button only once.
aw man, how did that happen? the triple posting thing? i am so inept when it comes to computers. i think it’s all the weed i smoke, though, as opposed to it being because i have girl parts.
just fyi since it seems i may continue to comment here occasionally, i am so not a feminist- in fact i’m not even sure how to spell feminist- am i correct in the way i’m spelling it? i actually hold the whole men being large and in charge thing as being ideal. it’s too bad so many of them are such dolts…
it can’t be the “first annual 2008 man challenge”, because next year it’ll have to be the 2009 man challenge…
but hey, you guys should fuck hookers, drink scotch, get kicked out of places and break up families all you want.
just don’t forget wear condoms and not to drive drunk.
it can’t be the “first annual 2008 man challenge”, because next year it’ll have to be the 2009 man challenge…
but hey, you guys should fuck hookers, drink scotch, get kicked out of places and break up families all you want.
just don’t forget wear condoms and not to drive drunk.
it can’t be the “first annual 2008 man challenge”, because next year it’ll have to be the 2009 man challenge…
but hey, you guys should fuck hookers, drink scotch, get kicked out of places and break up families all you want.
just don’t forget wear condoms and not to drive drunk.
Dick, run for president when you’re over 35. I WILL gladly vote for you.
Ha, awesome-especially # 3 and #5.
Good luck fellas. If you’re not attached already, this challenge should be a piece of cake for some of you. In fact, I know a few men that I should forward this list to.
Well Dick and San, they don’t call it Mathemantics for nothing.