30 Feet of Stupid

Did you know that a staggering 7% of the top grossing 200 films of 2005 were directed by women? I was shocked as well, but then I remembered that on a slow weekend in summer when it’s hot outside just about everywhere on Earth, even seeing a miserable piece of woman-directed shit is better than sitting around and listening to the house-marm gab about nothing.

Perhaps we’re the lucky men. Perhaps someday women will forget their manners even during film and theatres will sound like hair salons or bird sanctuaries. Then again maybe that kind of shit will actually lower the price of a ticket.

That’s a man for you: always looking on the bright side.

The reason I know 7% of the top grossing films in 2005 were directed by a handful of the luckiest women in history (and that only 3 token women have ever been nominated for an academy awards for directing), is because some group of lady-roosters bought a giant billboard in Hollywood professing the following:

UNCHAIN THE WOMEN DIRECTORS
Women directed only 7% of the top 200 grossing films of 2005.
No women director has ever won the Oscar.
Only 3 have ever been nominated.

Fittingly, the facts are accompanied by a hideous picture of King Kong in drag. At first, I assumed this was some kind of hilarious propaganda aimed at publicizing the uglery of women directors at large. They are quite ugly you understand, and what a perfect way of adding insult to that rather nasty injury.

You’re ugly and you suck you bunch of silly cows!

I couldn’t have been more partially mistaken.

As it turns out, this billboard was paid for by a group of women calling themselves the Guerrilla Girls. Obviously, they use “girls” instead of women because it makes them feel naughty and capricious even though per capita the group probably outweighs the teamsters. Per capita means that each one is fat as fuck.

Like all women, these Gorilla Girls put absolutely no thought into how their “message” might be perceived by anyone else — probably because they were spending someone else’s money at the time. What am I saying! Of course they’re spending someone else’s money. A billboard is not stickers or shoes and that’s the only thing a woman spends her own money on.

What these broads see in this travesty is a blistering although clumsily-worded indictment of Hollywood at large and a thirty foot vindication of every failure in their silly, man-less lives. What they don’t see, however, is the confused look on the faces of all of us filthy male consumers with our filthy hard earned money that we’re going to take with us to the nearest filthy theatre and make another blockbuster.

So what the fuck is their message?

Is the message that men need to pay more attention to women directors? It can’t possibly be a call to women and sisterhood because no woman has ever paid for a movie. Blowing the night manager doesn’t count as paying, it’s a barter system and you can’t tax it.

Maybe the message is a simple: “Women can’t fucking direct!” After looking at the billboard for a few seconds I was struck with the humorous notion of a similar billboard that said in very large letters:

Jimmy Turner in Mrs. Wehrman’s 5th grade class sucks at spelling!
Brought to you by Jimmy’s mom and dad.

And that’s when I stopped thinking about it. Like everything else a woman says, it’s just meant to spin you around in circles while she looks around for some free money or something to pawn.

By the way, why give King Kong lipstick? Isn’t it sexist to assume the gorilla was male in the first place?

Of course it isn’t. It’s common sense. People gave a fuck about King Kong. No one has ever given a fuck about an ugly woman.

A 7/10 on the How Women Waste Money scale.

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