This is a very special MenAreBetterThanWomen.com post about the man-meaning of Christmas, and how women pissed all over it.

Twas a night or two before Christmas and in some random house
was a little boy and girl and a man happy with his spouse.
Though earlier that night there had arisen such a clatter
over grocery bills wrought with frills; it seems money was the matter.
For young Mr. Bob Johnson, laid off just last Halloween,
Was having a rough time filling in the in-between.

Now it may seem funny to people like us
that his young pretty wife hadn’t put up a fuss
when Mr. Bob announced, “That I will make ends meet.
With wheeling or dealing or working all day on my feet.
If it gets bad enough, then a bank I will rob,
so long as no wife of mine ever gets herself a job.”

And that was that mostly to Mrs. Paige Johnson,
who bid farewell to her nails, catty tales and monthly extensions.
That night she had offered to take up a brief stint
Ironing and folding downtown, and wiping off lint.
But Mr. Johnson said, “Paige, my dear, you’re more important at home.
Just like any other person without their Y-chromosome.”

Shock, awe, and horror, what on Earth did she say?
Was it, “Fine. Fuck you. I’ll be gone the next day”?
Had her mind been safe from the plague of the feminist revolt
Had Oprah not turned it into a sponge and soaked it in Jolt.
No. She shut her ass up, is what happened next,
Because it was the 50’s, way back when all was right with the sex.

And the very next day when Christmas shopping in town,
Mrs. Paige Johnson led the slightly tattered children around.
And despite sour, glowering looks from all her harpy friends,
She didn’t blow wads of cash and crap just to please all the hens.
For this was a time when all women knew,
One step out of line drawn by a man just would not do.

The greatest temptation came from the small child,
Who saw a big fire truck and went fucking wild.
“I want it, I want it,” said the young boy,
As he traced his little fingers all o’er the gleaming new toy.
“Mommy, Mommy, do you think Santa will see it my way?”
And Mommy said, “Billy, you should learn something today.”

“You see,” she said to the wide-eyed youth.
“In this world of confusion there are but a few truths.
And one is that you should always ask your father,” she said.
“For he is the one without all the crap in his head.
And that goes for you too, young Billy Jean,
Because without the smarts of men, we’d come apart at the seams.”

The children nodded and smiled and continued to roam.
Maybe they bought ice cream or some shit on their way home.
The point is Mom was right, and in the only way she could be,
By not burning her bra and spouting shit about equality.
She didn’t know that of course, but she got her reward,
When early next morning, Bob revealed what he had stored.

Because Paige was babysitting, Bob was selling his dad’s watch,
to put under their tree trucks and dolls with no crotch,
Whilst there Mr. Bob had met a man hip to his cause
and offered him a job selling pre-owned cars with few flaws.
It was a Christmas miracle in the way they all are.
Because a woman shut her mouth, while her man sold used cars.

Happy holidays, men only.

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This entry was posted under Wallow in It.