A Woman CTO? How About CT-No?

The CTO of AOL was fired recently. For those of you who don’t know what CTO means, you can fuck off because you shouldn’t be reading this. Every man in the world knows CTO stands for Chief Technical Officer. That’s because men live and breathe business and also those are three things men are intimately familiar with.

First there’s chief. You have to be a man to be a chief. Modern chiefs get things done and make business calls from 9:00 AM until the sun crashes into the big fucking black hole in the middle of this maniverse we call the Milky Way — not the kind of calls women make either. These are calls made with a point. Officer; that’s another word. Can you imagine how fucked up a police force or any kind of force would be with female officers? The name Jessica Lynch rings a bell. Then there’s technology. Like most men, ever since seeing Blade Runner I can’t wait to get intimate with technology.

With that in mind, why is it no surprise that AOL’s CTO was recently fired?

It’s no surprise because her name is Maureen Govern. That’s a woman type’s name.

Recently, Maureen thought it would be a great idea to take a bunch of searches performed by AOL users and hand them over to the world at large to take a peek at. That means if you searched for “hemorrhoid cream” or “Muppet pornography” and you were on Maureen’s random shitlist, you just got your ass handed over to the entire Earth for a good laugh. If you were searching for the former, that makes you extra fucked.

Now this is not a problem of privacy law or the internet or any of that boring shit like some people would have you believe. This issue, at its heart, is a problem of having women on a work force. Women at your business will fuck you 10 out of 10 times. Women at work is like a duct tape on anything. Sooner or later that this is going to break and probably get water or shit everywhere — whatever ducts carry. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million times: a penny saved is a woman fired. The only job women are qualified for is holding signs.

I don’t know what they teach in business school because I’m a man and I was born already knowing everything I would ever need to know. I’m pretty sure they try to pump one of the following myths down your throat:

“Women make better managers than men!”

“Women are good organizers! Don’t ask what men are better than women at to even out the scales though because that’s way fucking sexist!”

That’s not way fucking sexist, it’s way fucking math. If women are allegedly better than men at something, then men have to be better than women at something to even out the equity scale of bullshit.

But it turns out men are better than women. They’re better than women at a little thing called everything.

Women managers are bullshit as well. They can’t motivate rabid wolves because if they’re not fucking their way to the top or sabotaging their own team to look good when they pull some crucial piece of sabotaged something out of their ass, then they’re just wasting the day away going over minutes of last weeks meeting. Did we talk about the new bylaws? Did we make a plan to address the way we handle issues? Did we talk about how I should shut the fuck up and let men talk? How could we have missed that one!

The only way female managers motivate their teams are by driving them so fucking insane that they have to excel just to escape the event horizon that is the failure of a woman in business.

If you see a woman in your place of business, just drop whatever you’re doing and walk the other way. If that’s not an option, raise your hand in the air until someone in charge finds you. Or just ignore her.

At Least it was just AOL’s stock and not an Atomic Bomb.

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