Ask Dick: Why Are Teenage Girls So Fucking Stupid?

A reader, Joey, sent me the following question.

How’s it going, Mr. Masterson? Straight to my man point, what the hell is the deal with young women who say that they don’t care about looks and want to settle with a man who cares for them, loves the, etc? These are freakin’ 15-17, 18 year old girls talking. What the hell are they settling down from? They’re reaching the age where they practice whore-crafts like fucking and sucking. You get my point.

Of course I get your point. If I didn’t get your point from that well-laid mansplanation, then I would have to be a woman. And then what would I do with my penis?

Use it as an ATM I guess. That’s all women seem to know what to do with them.

Women who are teenagers are like men who are teenagers. They’re stupider than their adult counterparts.

Granted, with women it’s hard to tell.

That’s why that show To Catch a Predator show on Dateline is unfair to all these alleged pedophiles. Just because a woman says she’s 14 and has the grammar of a drunken Carny, doesn’t mean that she is. Maybe she’s just having her period. Maybe she thinks that’s cute, who the fuck knows. Women lie all the time is my point. That’s why so many of them get pregnant.

Young women can’t do the same incredible things that young men can; things like sports and math and putting a mouse puppet on their penis and letting a snake bite it. Young women are just like women: they can’t do anything at all, incredible or not. As teenagers, however, they’re still full of hopes and dreams.

Stupid hopes and dreams.

When men are young men, they think they’re going to grow up and be Batman or James Bond or some fucking Rockstar playing two guitars at the same time; even if the odds are stacked massively against them. Batman, for example, didn’t weight 185 and drink Cherry Coke by the liter when he was 16. Women are the same, except a woman’s version of fortune and fame is a guy who will tolerate her for her endless parade of bullshit. Women are the Carnival of bullshit. It never fucking stops and by the third float you’ve seen just about all you’re going to see.

Teenage women who want a man who loves them, cares for them, and any other synonymous emotions women use because they love repeating themselves so fucking much, aren’t settling for anything. They’re just enjoying four years of the biggest, most-blissful pipe dream a woman ever experiences in her whole fucking life. The dream of having a say or a preference in a mythical man who takes an infinite amount of a woman’s grating, unending crap, occupies the life of the teenage girl. This is a dream women abandon at at the age of 22 in an act known as Learning Her Place.

Unless you count those harpy 30-somethings who think their pets are children. That’s the biggest, most-blissful pipe dream of femininity: children who can be locked in the fucking house.

Joey, minus ten Man Points for the non-offensive substitution of a swear word. Swearing loudly and with gusto is the best and manliest way to show anyone in ear shot that you are a man. That’s why teenagers do it so obnoxiously. They’re becoming men.

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