Can You Teach Useless?

There are a handful of questions you can ask any woman to get her to start talking about “deep personal things”. And by the end of her monologue she’ll be in love with you. Women are like outboard motors of sex. No matter how long they’ve been sitting, you just have to give them a few good yanks in the form of “deep personal questions” and they’ll be purring like an arthritic cat in no time.

Or are women more like used cars?

Has it ever been in a wreck? Do you offer a warranty? Are these all original parts?

With women, magic question number three is, “who was your favorite or most inspirational grade school teacher?”

All women have a favorite grade school/secondary school teacher and it’s always a woman. Unless they fucked him or wanted to — in which case it’s a man. Some criteria, isn’t it? Typical. The funny thing about it is it’s not like a pot calling a kettle black or a cow calling a pig fat. A woman having a favorite teacher is like the town invalid calling his imaginary friend a Pulitzer Prize winner. What the fuck does either of you know about the Pulitzer Prize? That’s it’s good? That’s about all women know about teaching.

Women can’t teach anything. That’s why they always brag about being good nurturers and — when they’re done banging their heads against the glass ceiling, why they say a woman’s place is at home nurturing family and children. You know what nurturing means? It means adding nothing. It means taking a situation and encouraging whatever is going on to continue to go on. Nurturing means being the fucking middle manager of life, sitting on your doughy ass, and putting a signature on anything that gets done that you really had nothing to do with.

Never mind that all teachers who aren’t free (tutors, trade teachers, university professors) are male. I know women can’t teach because I have never learned anything from a female teacher except how to lose control of a classroom. Everything I’ve ever learned has been from a man, and you’re no different.

Think about it. Women as teachers are sequestered, one might even say quarantined, to the classroom. Rightfully so. I think 7 hours a day for ten to twelve years is plenty of time to learn a valuable life skill like how to properly lose control of a classroom. Men, on the other hand, teach in everything that they do. Who makes the TV programs we watch, and writes the books that anyone gives a fuck about? That would be men. Who does the things people watch and thus learn by example? That would be men as well. What woman has ever done anything that got media focus? Monika Lewinski? Princess Di? Cindy Sheehan? No. We already have plenty of examples of learning how to bitch and whine from women. We’ve all had mothers. That and I think even Sesame Street covers how not to get a DUI these days.

You can’t expect a fifth grader to waltz into an advanced physics course and pick up a lecture in stride. Even as a young man, he doesn’t have the proper experience. That’s exactly how it is with women and them opening their mouths for the purpose of imparting knowledge. Women have looked at every advancement of our species: fire, money, clothing, equality, justice, planes, trains, automobiles; with the simple attitude of, “Fuck it. I’ll learn about it later.” When she really meant, “Fuck it. I’ll fuck for it later.”

You can’t teach that. All women figure it out at 15 and then mentally retire.

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