I was getting so many text messages from hot babes on New Year’s Eve that my phone overloaded and permanently shut down. At least that’s what the technician at the Verizon store told me and I have no reason to doubt him. Not only does that mean I am 100% right when I say women love being told their place in life — especially hot women — but it also means that it’s a new year, and thus time for a Dick Masterson Annual Man Challenge.
Congratulations to all of you who passed my Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge. It was a tough one and by my estimation only two of you actually passed, but you all had fun trying.
Now buckle up your boners, gentlemen, because even you two returning gladiators are going to need an extra set of nuts to beat this year’s Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge.
As I explained last year, new year’s resolutions are for ladies. They’re for people who get as much personal satisfaction out of intending to better themselves than actually doing it. Women think buying a guitar and playing a guitar is the same thing. Women think not enjoying the blowjob she drunkenly gave her coworker during the Christmas party makes her a faithful wife.
If she didn’t like it, it didn’t happen.
1. Don’t ever argue with a woman: Man Point Day Off
Women are like a broken clocks with tits. When 11:37 rolls around, she seems like the smartest set of tits on Earth. But that’s why God only intended sex to last 14 minutes. Otherwise, women would have all day to call the shots instead of just the time it takes to give your junk a sink bath.
Women are always wrong. Women get lucky from time to time and act like complete cunts about it, but remember this: even if a woman is right, she’s wrong.
You see, women don’t use logic like men do. And without logic, you can’t be right. You can only be a lucky pain in the ass. Without logic, you can’t be reasoned with or convinced in any way. You can’t understand the difference between feelings and rational thought, beyond the fact that both are coming out of someone’s mouth, and if that’s all it takes to be a good argument, I might as well start calling my cock Henry Kissinger! Actually, I am going to do that now.
Nicknaming your own penis: +200 Man Points
When you argue with a woman, you are effectively saying you have nothing better to do today than waste your time. Check your penis at the door, kemo sabe. She’s not listening, she won’t do shit if you don’t do what she says, and nothing in the world will make her happy. A freeze on your Man Points for the rest of the day is your penalty for being a jackass.
2. Find a wild stripper: +3,000 Man Points
Strippers exist in the wild. That is to say, strippers are out there walking around like normal women: shopping, buying books, looking at celebrity gossip on the internet, whatever else women do. I know this to be true in theory, and I have personally seen it!
To complete my Dick Masteron’s 2009 Man Challenge, you have to find a wild stripper! Bag her, tag her, and make sure to find out where she works! She won’t want you to know because the last thing she wants is your grinning ass showing up with a hard on and her real name, but that’s the best thing about being a man. Who gives a fuck what women want?
3. Kill an animal: +1 Man Points per pound
Animals are meant to be killed by human men. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to eat them or stuff them full of candy and play a practical man-joke on kids. Shoot a pig, buy a fur, send a dog to the pound, it doesn’t fucking matter. As long as you killed for reasons that fall between providing a slight convenience and “yucks”, you did the right thing.
Because really, what more noble goal is there than providing slight convenience?
Animals are just like computers. They have no soul and no mystical sense of anything beyond what goes in their stomachs. “Animal rights” is a profitable misnomer invented by women just like every other “humanitarian” movement that all follow one simple theme:
Bitches will get uncomfortable if they can’t feel the end of their leash.
Women are like dogs. If they can’t feel you yanking on their emotional leash and telling them to calm the fuck down about shit they don’t understand, they’ll lose their goddamn minds. Have you ever met a woman who was a humanitarian crusader? Did she seem happy to you? No. She seemed wound up tighter than Tex Avery at a tit factory.
Do her a favor. Aim for the stray cat.
4. Pick up a check: +18% Man Points
The Pick Up Artist community has turned thousands of young men into silly cheap-shits. Their “The Game” plan is simple:
1. Don’t pay for shit.
But that’s like switching from live bait to dynamite when you’re fishing in the bathtub. Here’s a straighter line between points U and P:
1. Stop dating chicks that aren’t going to fuck you!
But in the end, they’re half right. If you’re shooting booty calls out of a cannon, the appletini’s are going to add up. And so are the Planned Parenthood receipts. My point is, fine, don’t pay for women, but do pay for men because Dick is getting a bit sick of picking up the tab every fucking time.
Money is an aphrodisiac. Paying for drinks, paying for movie tickets, paying for any bullshit no matter how cheap it is will get a lady’s humper pumping. That’s a guarantee. But more importantly, using a calculator when the check comes is a loss of fucking Man Points. Counting your tax out in 1’s is a loss of fucking Man Points. Asking for change when the group is bigger than 5 people is a loss of fucking Man Points. A surprise missing 120 dollars on the New Year’s Eve tab is a loss of everyone’s fucking Man Points except mine. Fuck you cheap assholes.
But in all seriousness, always pay for a girl’s abortion. Or make sure you physically see the receipt.
5. Have two threesomes with the same girls: -50 Man Points
Anyone can have a threesome. I’ve had like seven. You can catch two “lesbians” on a bad day. You can guilt your wife into it after she dings your new car. Whatever you want. But having two threesomes with the same two chicks? Forget about it. That’s a man challenge. Even with hookers, having two threesomes with the same two chicks requires a level of cunning and manipulation so great, Machiavelli himself would give you a congratulatory blow job. But that’s the thing about getting a blow job from Machiavelli. What’s he after?
Getting your cock passport stamped in threesome town can be a treacherous affair. Imagine if they had a type of cocaine that only worked on emotions. Actually, don’t imagine that. I’ve seen it and I hated every second of it. Having a threesome is like carrying two early-90’s computer monitors across a tightrope over a swimming pool. In other words, it’s precarious as fuck — and not as sexy as you thought it would be — but the only thing you stand to lose is personal relationships with women, and who gives a fuck about those!
Having a threesome is a subtraction of Man Points because seriously, fuck you.
Send me an email if you manage to topple this year’s Dick Masterson’s Man Challenge. I will post a log of the year’s manliest man men below.
And also, stay tuned to SuperFrat for the thrilling conclusion of my Dick Masterson Chauvinist Detective saga. As you can see in the strip below, my pants have come off. That’s when I mean business.