Die Hard 4 comes out in exactly one week and I couldn’t be more excited.
I have been waiting nearly 20 years for this film. Die Hard 2 and 3 were a no-brainer as I saw it. “But would they make a 4? I thought after watching Alan Rickman fall a million feet to his death from the top of Nakatomi Tower in the Nakatomi Plaza.
“I fucking hope so, I thought next. “Each one of these motherfuckers is more perfect than the last.
To mark the occasion of this one-week preversary of the greatest movie of all time, I am going to review Die Hard 4 before it hits theaters. That way, when your bitchy girlfriend who you should dump doesn’t want to go see it because it’s the forth run of a “tired formula or because Bruce Willis “just can’t carry it anymore because he’s too old, you can tell her where to shove it because you read a review on the internet that said Die Hard 4 was cinematic fucking perfection.
Tired formula? A tired formula is a woman opening her mouth and expecting to get her way this time. Merry fucking Christmas, Hans.
I knew The 300 was going to be a mansterpiece weeks before I saw it. The commercials had one woman in them and she didn’t say a fucking word. That’s better than porn. I should have written that review when I called it two months in advance. Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.
Die Hard 4 is what every movie wishes it was: a Die Hard movie. At some point in the movie John McClane drives a semi-truck that is being shot at by the US Government. There are only two men who have escaped the US Government: John McClane and Osama Bin Laden. That means if you don’t see Die Hard 4, you are supporting terrorism.
You can’t not pick sides. The Bible says so. It’s in the book of Dante; chapter Fuck You. Welcome to the party, pal.
Die Hard 4 is what The 300 would have been if all those soldiers had been drinking beer for twenty years and had also been just one guy. But make no mistake, Die Hard 4 is a man’s movie and unless your girlfriend is a fucking liar, she will have a horrible time. Who’s driving this car? Stevie Wonder?
Women don’t understand sequels. They don’t understand timelessness and immortality the way that men do. That’s why God gave them ovaries instead of fists and brains. Stories like Rocky, Chucky, and Police Academy are timeless tales that aren’t to be abandoned in movie history. Films for women are just so fucking terrible, they never warrant a sequel. No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I’m ordering a fucking pizza to you?
But that’s not completely true. The truth is, all “chick flicks are sequels. They’re just one more installment in a long line of random women repeating the same predictable fuck ups like drunken Jr. High School kids looking for free handjobs and talking about it in an inappropriate volume at your local McDonald’s. How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?
Die Hard 4 is a life changing event. Whatever you do, don’t go see it with a woman.
How to See Die Hard 4 Without a Woman
Call your girlfriend any time between now and next Wednesday. After she picks up, but before she says anything say, “Hey bud, are we still going strip clubbing this weekend? As if you dialed the wrong number.
The half-life for women’s anger when it involves strip club incidences is three days. She’ll be as pissed as a mule with a corn cob in it’s ass for three days, and she definitely won’t see Die Hard 4 with you, but by the time you’ve seen it, she’ll be half over it.
Yippie Kay-yay, Motherfucker.