Dick’s Die Hard 4 Review
Die Hard 4 comes out in exactly one week and I couldn’t be more excited.
I have been waiting nearly 20 years for this film. Die Hard 2 and 3 were a no-brainer as I saw it. “But would they make a 4?” I thought after watching Alan Rickman fall a million feet to his death from the top of Nakatomi Tower in the Nakatomi Plaza.
“I fucking hope so,” I thought next. “Each one of these motherfuckers is more perfect than the last.”
To mark the occasion of this one-week preversary of the greatest movie of all time, I am going to review Die Hard 4 before it hits theaters. That way, when your bitchy girlfriend who you should dump doesn’t want to go see it because it’s the forth run of a “tired formula” or because Bruce Willis “just can’t carry it anymore because he’s too old”, you can tell her where to shove it because you read a review on the internet that said Die Hard 4 was cinematic fucking perfection.
Tired formula? A tired formula is a woman opening her mouth and expecting to get her way this time. Merry fucking Christmas, Hans.
I knew The 300 was going to be a mansterpiece weeks before I saw it. The commercials had one woman in them and she didn’t say a fucking word. That’s better than porn. I should have written that review when I called it two months in advance. Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.
Die Hard 4 is what every movie wishes it was: a Die Hard movie. At some point in the movie John McClane drives a semi-truck that is being shot at by the US Government. There are only two men who have escaped the US Government: John McClane and Osama Bin Laden. That means if you don’t see Die Hard 4, you are supporting terrorism.
You can’t not pick sides. The Bible says so. It’s in the book of Dante; chapter Fuck You. Welcome to the party, pal.
Die Hard 4 is what The 300 would have been if all those soldiers had been drinking beer for twenty years and had also been just one guy. But make no mistake, Die Hard 4 is a man’s movie and unless your girlfriend is a fucking liar, she will have a horrible time. Who’s driving this car? Stevie Wonder?
Women don’t understand sequels. They don’t understand timelessness and immortality the way that men do. That’s why God gave them ovaries instead of fists and brains. Stories like Rocky, Chucky, and Police Academy are timeless tales that aren’t to be abandoned in movie history. Films for women are just so fucking terrible, they never warrant a sequel. No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I’m ordering a fucking pizza to you?
But that’s not completely true. The truth is, all “chick flicks” are sequels. They’re just one more installment in a long line of random women repeating the same predictable fuck ups like drunken Jr. High School kids looking for free handjobs and talking about it in an inappropriate volume at your local McDonald’s. How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?
Die Hard 4 is a life changing event. Whatever you do, don’t go see it with a woman.
How to See Die Hard 4 Without a Woman
Call your girlfriend any time between now and next Wednesday. After she picks up, but before she says anything say, “Hey bud, are we still going strip clubbing this weekend?” As if you dialed the wrong number.
The half-life for women’s anger when it involves strip club incidences is three days. She’ll be as pissed as a mule with a corn cob in it’s ass for three days, and she definitely won’t see Die Hard 4 with you, but by the time you’ve seen it, she’ll be half over it.
Yippie Kay-yay, Motherfucker.
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June 21st, 2007 at 3:37 am - IP Man-Hash: 4c7b02f763ad9
Hans Gruber: I thought I told all of you, I want radio silence until further…
John McClane: Ooooh, I’m very sorry Hans. I didn’t get that message. Maybe you should’ve put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I’ve waxed Tony and Marco and his friend here, I figured you and Karl and Franco might be a little lonely, so I decided to give you a call.
Hans Gruber: Eh, that’s… very kind of you, considering you are a mysterious party crasher. You are most troublesome, for a security guard.
John McClane: Bzzzt. Sorry Hans, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?
June 21st, 2007 at 1:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 11105a0512eaa
This article reminds me of a holloween man-party I attended a few years ago where the manliest costume of the night happened to be John McClane. Oh yeah, thats right. And he became even more manly when he became extremely drunk and started shooting everyone at the party. But because he was a man he forsaw that this might happen so luckily they were just BB’s. So along with you Dick I cannot wait to see this movie.
June 22nd, 2007 at 7:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
Hans Gruber: But you have me at a loss. You know my name but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne? Rambo? Marshall Dillon?
John McClane: Was always kinda’ partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really dig those sequined shirts.
Hans Gruber: Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mister Cowboy?
John McClane: Yippee-ki-yay, motherf—–.
Ah yes, good times. Sparkling dialog. Guns. Cowboys. What more could one want in a movie?
-wolfe
June 22nd, 2007 at 8:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: 430b9e4ae48c5
Titties!
June 23rd, 2007 at 2:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0d22ee6cc1673
Check this video
Sean Connery
More and more men are agreeing that women beg for a good slap now and then.
June 23rd, 2007 at 2:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: de55713197a6e
Watched it a while back. Not all women deserve a slap but feminists? Hell yeah.
June 23rd, 2007 at 4:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
But their ass usually does.
- Camille Jones - The Creeps [Fedde Le Grand RmX]
June 24th, 2007 at 1:38 am - IP Man-Hash: 796c1d8aebfd3
hell yer,
June 24th, 2007 at 1:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
I think Die Hard 2 was better than Die Hard. And whats this bullshit about Bruce Willis bieng too old? Look at fucking Jack Nicholson, he is old but he is still an awesome actor along with Christopher Lee.
June 24th, 2007 at 1:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
Speaking of Sean Connery…
I am reminded of Sean Connery’s immortal line from Goldfinger:
It took the genius of Tucker Max to equal this:
-wolfe
June 25th, 2007 at 9:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: e4caf524df8b3
Murder is a woman’s right.
http://newsok.com/article/3069758
Hernandez told police she used methamphetamine — usually by eating it — two or three times a month, including the day before she went to a local hospital to give birth, according to a police report.
“This is the most serious case of child abuse you can imagine, when the child actually dies,” Prater said. “This is clearly a murder, in my opinion.”
Shellow and fellow Milwaukee attorney Jim Dixon took on Hernandez’s case after being approached by the National Advocates for Pregnant Women, a New York-based group devoted to protecting the rights of pregnant women, particularly low-income and minority mothers with drug problems.
Director Lynn Paltrow has urged health care providers, child advocates and community volunteers to join in a letter-writing campaign to protest the charge against Hernandez.
June 28th, 2007 at 2:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0fd1420567085
Send the bitch down I say.
July 1st, 2007 at 8:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 0c264107dcbce
I just saw the movie last night. Loved it. The action just jumped off the screen and hit me in the face, leaving me with a warm fuzzy feeling all over whilst raising my adrenaline, and I was truly grateful.
I guess that’s how your woman feels when you’ve just given her a facial shot.
July 14th, 2007 at 8:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: 799f5d4830d97
Come to the coast, have a few laughs. I can’t wait to see it either. Maybe tomorrow. I’m nowhere near fifty-five, but I look like an old fuck and as a result, always get the senior discount (fuken-gruven).
Die Hard 1-3 are classics. anything Bruce Willis is in is great. He’s Da-Man!
Why don’t you show me some professional courtesy? You want professional courtesy, Fuck You!
I love it.
I was out and about late the other night to get tickets for Die Hard 4. as I got closer to the theater, I saw a line a mile long serpentine into the parking lot, Holy-Fuck I thought (thought it was for DH-4), but was relieved to see it was only for Harry Pecker, er um, Harry Potter.
I remember a line like that at the Pussy-Cat theater in the ’70s for “Devil in Miss Jones” (kids today have their priorities all screwed up).
Dick, I know you’re a regular Siskel & ebert (Or just Siskel, didn’t Ebert croak while slipping on a wet slimy porn theater floor and bonk his head or something?)
I’ll take your word for it because your manstincts are never wrong.
Adios Mother F____r!
-Banzai
September 22nd, 2007 at 8:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
actually Dick…i really enjoyed 300 and die hard 4…they were so fucking awesome!!!!
ooopps i forgot my opinion doesnt count…
January 4th, 2008 at 7:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: b274f9aeceb8d
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article s Die Hard 4 Review, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.