You’re Not Pregnant? I Don’t Believe You
It’s impossible to know which gender is the fatter. Mostly because women are so good at concealing additional bulk.
No, of course I’m joking. That’s not true at all. A large woman trying to cover herself up always ends up looking like a couch with one of those old lady doilies thrown on the top. Is that a big fat couch over there? I didn’t notice because of that dainty little scrap of lace on top.
Loss of a dozen Man Points for using the word ‘dainty’ I know, but my point is that in the case of weight, there’s no way to know if men are better than women at not becoming fat, or if men are better than women at being fat. Let me explain.
Scientists have never been able to agree on what is considered “overweight” for women. For men it’s a body mass index of 25%. Period. And we men have to deal with that. But for women, there’s all kinds of shit involved. What a surprise right? A simple process of determining a status of “overweight” and there’s all kinds of bullshit involved. Is it a BMI of 30%, 33%, 35%? No one knows. What nutritional scientist do know, however, is that if they ever reach a verdict, they will all be immediately kicked in the nuts by a billion angry, sensual women.
I say we just adopt woman-kind’s scale for itself. From now on, an overweight woman is one with a body mass index of over 75%. As a man, that’s how you have to fix problems with women sometimes. You gather all the evidence, you make logical conclusions out of it, and then you throw it right the fuck out the window, start signing checks, and believing there’s a Santa Clause. That’s not surrendering or getting beaten; it’s called having better fucking things to do with my time.
So men are fatter than women on average. Bit fucking deal. With all the practice, that means men are also better than women at being fat. Think about it. Does anyone even notice when a man is hugely fat? Men certainly don’t give a shit — and women give less of a shit. Jack Black gets laid all the time I bet — and that fucker is enormous.
The greatest men in history have been larger than life — the richest also. The most powerful warlords in the world? Oh you better believe they were big fat, fat guys. That’s because as a man, being fat is like a source of extra man power. It’s like driving an awesomely powerful car or wearing a giant watch or a man ring. It’s a multiplier.
I think I can sum it up with one craptastic line: Big is Beautiful.
I’ve heard that out loud probably twice in my life — both times from a woman, and each time I threw up immediately. Curvaceous, sensual, comfortable — it’s all the same shit. It means one large broad with a chip on her shoulder the size of the chocolate chip in her wildest fantasies. But what about jolly or party animal? Those mean fat too, but they’re not the same at all.
See, when a man is fat, he just gets a hell of a lot funnier. It might work the same way for women, but no one would know because funnier times not funny at all is still zero funny. Men are like eye doctors — and also a little bit like used car salesmen.
“Don’t want a fat guy? How about a funny guy? Maybe a snappy dresser or a guy with a beard? Better here or here? How about now? What do I have to do to get you with a fat guy today?”
Women, however, take their inadequacies and shove them right down your throat until you think you’re choking on sugar sweet bullshit. All women should take a lesson from Kirstie Alley who said it best on Oprah.
“I looked in the mirror one day and said, who would want to have sex with that?”
Or something like that, I don’t remember exactly what. That was her point though. And for her public baby steps, Kirstie Alley is this month’s MenAreBetterThanWomen.com’s Honorary Man of the Month. Cheers, you great big tub.
Related Articles:
August 10th, 2007 at 12:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 56cd7d82603b9
Good luck with that, Doubtfish. It’s been a long time between girlfriends, huh? I know it’s tough, sweetie. Hang in there! There’s some mentally-challenged girl in your future! I just know it!
August 10th, 2007 at 3:13 am - IP Man-Hash: 6b5d8a918eeec
And it’s yooooooou!!! Come on down.
August 10th, 2007 at 3:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 6b5d8a918eeec
“What has she won”
“Well Johnny, she’s won a coveted complimentary fuck off from the site!”
“Give her a round of applause”
August 10th, 2007 at 9:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 56cd7d82603b9
Try being gramatically-correct, necroswordsman — I’d take you much more seriously!
I’m giving myself a round of applause.
August 28th, 2007 at 1:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: f87baf5e4f388
How typical of a woman to come on this site and throw out random, acenine statements that aren’t really statements at all but more what her brain is stuffed with. HORseshit… while never actually reading through facts and making the slightest attempt to combat them with any type of intellect. J all you’ve done is made every other woman that comes on this site look as dumb and retarded as you are.
MENAREBETTERTHANWOMEN.
September 1st, 2007 at 4:13 am - IP Man-Hash: 5556903c41ed8
Don’t get too hasty with your self aggrandising illusions yet, J. You have made no valid point; your credibility as an intellectual contributor here is zero.
Whether you take Necroswordsman “more seriously” or not is similarly irrelevant, as is your fake concern about grammatical particularity.
If you are to be believed, it would seem that correct spelling and syntax is all that’s required for you to “take more seriously” the viewpoint of Necroswordsman…a-fucking-parently. Well that’s just a horseshit excuse on your part that stands out more than my dogs shiny ballbag.
You completely ignored his well constructed satire and poignant Manpoint. Mansman can help you with these deficiencies if they keep recurring. Or you can just fuck off, like what Necro said. (Hey, did you pick up on my outrageous intentional grammatical error?…thought not).
If you’re so very dishonest that you actually think the issues here are not being made for a VERY good reason, then your opinion is even more worthless than I previously supposed.
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
*shaking head in disgust* she sickens me…truly she does. i mean really! hun calm down look at the funny side….and then laugh…just laugh and laugh…we all know that as much as they hate us they need us…of course its the same thing with us needing them…no matter how much YOU must hate them
haha i love this site i think ill visit it often :)
November 15th, 2007 at 5:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c17118501b2c
I would not vote for hitler.
November 15th, 2007 at 5:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c17118501b2c
and im not pregnant! Ive never had sex, and dont plan on having it until after im married and good and ready to have a child.
November 15th, 2007 at 5:36 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c17118501b2c
Look, cursing at Dick is not going to make him think of women with more respect. Ladies: just do what i do and calmly tell him your opinion. Dont make him feel wrong. This is America….he has the right to say or type whatever he wants to. Just please,if u really r good women….take my advice. (P.S. i kbow its not easy, but just try. Im a women, well, a female teen, and i still remain calm and keep my temper.)
November 15th, 2007 at 5:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c17118501b2c
….
November 16th, 2007 at 10:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 7f747dc91c76a
In this blog post you have a point. I hate the fat broads who think they’re sensual or curvy too… Fat is fat, cellulite is cellulite. So, if you have fat, you’re fat. Beyonce is curvy.
Now, it’s hard to determine the BMI for women due to breast size, hence boobs are mostly fat. It’s not that hard, if you use logic.
March 19th, 2008 at 12:40 am - IP Man-Hash: 822c948329db7
J lo has a fat ass, no one complains there
why is there so much about fat women on this site?
Being a woman doesn’t automatucally make you fat, and even if it did, who gives a crap if they are fat or not?
Why does it matter?
April 1st, 2008 at 12:11 am - IP Man-Hash: 5cd855868e53c
i bet she’s obese
April 1st, 2008 at 1:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Simply because there’s nothing more grotesquely disgusting and unattractive that a morbidly obese woman. Nobody wants to see that shit, not men, not other women, not even themselves.
Big is NOT beautiful, it’s fucking horrendously repulsive, and always will be.
April 1st, 2008 at 5:08 am - IP Man-Hash: 5c8336b56fb06
i think j lo has a nice ass
April 1st, 2008 at 5:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 22e03a8c0d06c
J Lo’s got better legs. For me, there is nothing quite as compelling on this Planet Earth as hot Latino women dancing. Unbeatable.
April 16th, 2008 at 7:29 am - IP Man-Hash: d7a5f74c86212
Sergeant? Dude, you’re not even fit to be a PFC.
May 25th, 2008 at 1:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46eef1eee6172
Well, you see your one and only power that can influence man is your bitching, and sex. Theres is no more to women, then bitching and sex to men. - Not even housework or cooking.
Typical example of women getting mad, and just making up random COMMONLY OVERUSED BULLSHIT to defend herself. Get a soul and a brain bitch. have you no shame?
[if there are a N word for Women i would use it].
May 25th, 2008 at 1:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46eef1eee6172
let me correct myself
I meant 2 powers. and you are still a bitch.