You’re Not Pregnant? I Don’t Believe You
It’s impossible to know which gender is the fatter. Mostly because women are so good at concealing additional bulk.
No, of course I’m joking. That’s not true at all. A large woman trying to cover herself up always ends up looking like a couch with one of those old lady doilies thrown on the top. Is that a big fat couch over there? I didn’t notice because of that dainty little scrap of lace on top.
Loss of a dozen Man Points for using the word ‘dainty’ I know, but my point is that in the case of weight, there’s no way to know if men are better than women at not becoming fat, or if men are better than women at being fat. Let me explain.
Scientists have never been able to agree on what is considered “overweight” for women. For men it’s a body mass index of 25%. Period. And we men have to deal with that. But for women, there’s all kinds of shit involved. What a surprise right? A simple process of determining a status of “overweight” and there’s all kinds of bullshit involved. Is it a BMI of 30%, 33%, 35%? No one knows. What nutritional scientist do know, however, is that if they ever reach a verdict, they will all be immediately kicked in the nuts by a billion angry, sensual women.
I say we just adopt woman-kind’s scale for itself. From now on, an overweight woman is one with a body mass index of over 75%. As a man, that’s how you have to fix problems with women sometimes. You gather all the evidence, you make logical conclusions out of it, and then you throw it right the fuck out the window, start signing checks, and believing there’s a Santa Clause. That’s not surrendering or getting beaten; it’s called having better fucking things to do with my time.
So men are fatter than women on average. Bit fucking deal. With all the practice, that means men are also better than women at being fat. Think about it. Does anyone even notice when a man is hugely fat? Men certainly don’t give a shit — and women give less of a shit. Jack Black gets laid all the time I bet — and that fucker is enormous.
The greatest men in history have been larger than life — the richest also. The most powerful warlords in the world? Oh you better believe they were big fat, fat guys. That’s because as a man, being fat is like a source of extra man power. It’s like driving an awesomely powerful car or wearing a giant watch or a man ring. It’s a multiplier.
I think I can sum it up with one craptastic line: Big is Beautiful.
I’ve heard that out loud probably twice in my life — both times from a woman, and each time I threw up immediately. Curvaceous, sensual, comfortable — it’s all the same shit. It means one large broad with a chip on her shoulder the size of the chocolate chip in her wildest fantasies. But what about jolly or party animal? Those mean fat too, but they’re not the same at all.
See, when a man is fat, he just gets a hell of a lot funnier. It might work the same way for women, but no one would know because funnier times not funny at all is still zero funny. Men are like eye doctors — and also a little bit like used car salesmen.
“Don’t want a fat guy? How about a funny guy? Maybe a snappy dresser or a guy with a beard? Better here or here? How about now? What do I have to do to get you with a fat guy today?”
Women, however, take their inadequacies and shove them right down your throat until you think you’re choking on sugar sweet bullshit. All women should take a lesson from Kirstie Alley who said it best on Oprah.
“I looked in the mirror one day and said, who would want to have sex with that?”
Or something like that, I don’t remember exactly what. That was her point though. And for her public baby steps, Kirstie Alley is this month’s MenAreBetterThanWomen.com’s Honorary Man of the Month. Cheers, you great big tub.
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September 29th, 2005 at 12:45 am - IP Man-Hash: 2c35979482a9d
Gotta love when the dingbats fly in to hold themselves up as living examples of an established premise. Its just priceless the way some women are so adept at it.
October 14th, 2005 at 3:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 74fb69c207c9d
Ok when I read this blog I laughed until I had to pee!
November 14th, 2005 at 11:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a584ae5f4b57
The sad reality is we bred girls like nicole in our:
- media, which cators to the largest consumer groups - women who now make on average 75% of consumer purchases. Thus accounting for typical anti-male, girl power, girl victim, programming, and the typical bumbling idiot male stereotypes found in the ads.
- school systems, the constant indoctrination by lesbian / feminist teachers that men oppressed women (when infact men and women functioned harmonously to survive.)
There are many other avenues where this “victim mindset” is instilled, yet the tragedy still remains how many western men are still sheltered from reality, believing this unacceptable female behavior is the “norm.”
A quick trip to any non-feminist overseas country will quickly open ones eyes with regard to the harmonous male / female interaction process.
November 20th, 2005 at 3:00 am - IP Man-Hash: 8066b11f8da5d
Absolutely correct CV,
I am still trying to comprehend how the sucker boyfriend got roped into a discussion on this board just because she got a bit of feedback for it’s moronic behaviour.
Typical female, can’t win an argument with a male then call in another male and tell him that your so upset and that he should stand up for you.
She has learnt it well.
Manipulating bitch.
March 9th, 2006 at 4:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cf9efd761515
Is’nt it funny when us men can’t stand it when we are upstaged by a woman! I mean, ca’nt we just accept that there are brainy and dumb men and brainy and dumb women? I think we should all just get along and not keep fighting! What we got to remember is that we all have to live with each other anyway, so why be immature about it? Of course, one wants to try and be better than the other, but we should be able to accpet when we are wrong. Live with it guys and gals! Men and women are stuck with each other and forever it will be!!
March 9th, 2006 at 4:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Obviously a woman.
-Dick
March 9th, 2006 at 4:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Steve, are you related to Barbra Streisand by any chance?
-wolfe
March 9th, 2006 at 7:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe7a06f831651
You stupid Dick,
You were talking about body fat percentage, not BMI. That’s just fucking ignorant.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 9cf9efd761515
No, I am not related to Barbra Streisand (though I sure wish I was, she has a beautiful voice, and I would’nt mind waking up with her every morning!) Still not a woman am I! I take it this ip-man hash thing isnt working properly or it would tell you! True, Supergirl! Body Mass Index (BMI for all the blokes here!) is totally different on men than women and is calulated differently too because of the way a womans body is different to a mans (more up top!) Also, fat hangs differently on a woman than it does a man. men are just fat and ugly. There is no such thing as an ugly woman, far or otherwise.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:17 am - IP Man-Hash: 3b440d3c156ea
No one needs a Man Hash to know you’re a woman, Stevie. Your abuse of exclamation points does you in.
-Dick
March 10th, 2006 at 3:01 am - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
I think you slightly miss the point of my comment. No matter.
No, both are calculated identically: the weight in kilograms divided by the height in metres, squared. As for having “more up top�, given men’s much broader shoulders and the fact that muscle is considerably denser tissue than fat, I suspect this also is fallacious. It certainly is when you’re talking about the head.
BMI is also, incidentally, a poor attempt at curve-fitting as any mathematician or physicist will tell you.
For a man, Steve, you are unusually self-loathing… and your statement at least explains the category of “BBW� (Big Beautiful Women) in those spam emails that regularly float about the ‘net. It also explains the popularity of certain women such as “Rosie�.
-wolfe
March 10th, 2006 at 3:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe7a06f831651
Wolfe, BMI and body fat percentage are not the same, just as, say, humidity and relative humidity are not the same. Physicists and mathematicians tend to be pretty fussy about things like that.
And don’t you mean male mathematicians and male physicists? I’m a physicist, so I wonder if in your mind, I fall under that category, given the fact that I’m female.
Still, the fact is, Dick’s funny.
Have you tried going to http://www.womenarebetterthanmen.com? Gotta hand it to you Dick, that WAS clever.
March 10th, 2006 at 4:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 2afdb477a0884
Agreed, many man-points to Mr. Masterson.
March 10th, 2006 at 4:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Right. And puppies aren’t the same as kittens, which has just as much relevance to what I actually said as your assertion does.
Had you bothered reading what I wrote, you would have noted I was responding to what Steve T wrote. (The “Steve T said” at the top kind of gives that away.) He asserted that BMI for men and for women is calculated differently. To repeat, since you didn’t read what I wrote: It isn’t; the equation remains the same. At no point did I assert that BMI and body fat percentage were the same — or that puppies and kittens were the same. (Had you read what I wrote, you would have noticed that).
Physicists, mathematicians, and logicians tend to be pretty fussy about straw man (or would you prefer straw woman?) attacks which is what you’ve just done.
Why, I don’t know as it only serves to make you look rude and stupid when you actually had a valid, relevant point in your original post. Dick’s post did indeed seem to conflate (and possibly confuse) BMI and body fat percentages. I can forgive him the odd error as it throws the general excellence of the rest of his writing into sharp relief.
You’re a physicist? Excellent. Welcome to the boards. Try and read more carefully next time, especially when you’re stooping to “correct” other people.
To answer your question, I don’t tend to view people as “male mathematicians” or “female physicists” unless they themselves feel they have to be defined that way, or their behavior as regards gender is egregious enough. One of my close relatives did her PhD in Engineering; I’ve no issue with intelligent women in the sciences. Pity there aren’t more of them.
-wolfe
March 10th, 2006 at 6:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: a7b6debe20f37
I wish people would quit posting on these boards claiming to be more than they are. On second thought, not really. We need another “doctor” to post, that was fun.
March 10th, 2006 at 7:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe7a06f831651
Wolfe, my post was hardly rude. And in my opinion, your response was a little too long and serious for an awesomely funny website like this, made funnier, I suppose, by men and women alike, who take themselves way too seriously.
March 10th, 2006 at 8:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3b440d3c156ea
That’s the only time you’ll ever hear a man criticised for being too long.
-Dick
March 10th, 2006 at 8:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe7a06f831651
Although wolfe, I do owe you an apology. When you said ‘both’, I erroneously assumed you meant BMI and body fat percentage. You meant BMI for men and women. And you were right, of course.
Just like everybody else here, I’m waiting for the next riled-up woman to walk in, and spew some tired junk about how women are amazing and god-like and how it’s absolutely sacrilegious to make fun of them.
March 10th, 2006 at 8:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8cbc91265a017
All fat men are funny, but not all funny people are fat men. Just as all apples are fruits, but not all fruits are apples.
March 10th, 2006 at 9:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: eadd56da2c7c9
Well, that one went right over her head, wolfe.
-Big Al