You’re Not Pregnant? I Don’t Believe You
It’s impossible to know which gender is the fatter. Mostly because women are so good at concealing additional bulk.
No, of course I’m joking. That’s not true at all. A large woman trying to cover herself up always ends up looking like a couch with one of those old lady doilies thrown on the top. Is that a big fat couch over there? I didn’t notice because of that dainty little scrap of lace on top.
Loss of a dozen Man Points for using the word ‘dainty’ I know, but my point is that in the case of weight, there’s no way to know if men are better than women at not becoming fat, or if men are better than women at being fat. Let me explain.
Scientists have never been able to agree on what is considered “overweight” for women. For men it’s a body mass index of 25%. Period. And we men have to deal with that. But for women, there’s all kinds of shit involved. What a surprise right? A simple process of determining a status of “overweight” and there’s all kinds of bullshit involved. Is it a BMI of 30%, 33%, 35%? No one knows. What nutritional scientist do know, however, is that if they ever reach a verdict, they will all be immediately kicked in the nuts by a billion angry, sensual women.
I say we just adopt woman-kind’s scale for itself. From now on, an overweight woman is one with a body mass index of over 75%. As a man, that’s how you have to fix problems with women sometimes. You gather all the evidence, you make logical conclusions out of it, and then you throw it right the fuck out the window, start signing checks, and believing there’s a Santa Clause. That’s not surrendering or getting beaten; it’s called having better fucking things to do with my time.
So men are fatter than women on average. Bit fucking deal. With all the practice, that means men are also better than women at being fat. Think about it. Does anyone even notice when a man is hugely fat? Men certainly don’t give a shit — and women give less of a shit. Jack Black gets laid all the time I bet — and that fucker is enormous.
The greatest men in history have been larger than life — the richest also. The most powerful warlords in the world? Oh you better believe they were big fat, fat guys. That’s because as a man, being fat is like a source of extra man power. It’s like driving an awesomely powerful car or wearing a giant watch or a man ring. It’s a multiplier.
I think I can sum it up with one craptastic line: Big is Beautiful.
I’ve heard that out loud probably twice in my life — both times from a woman, and each time I threw up immediately. Curvaceous, sensual, comfortable — it’s all the same shit. It means one large broad with a chip on her shoulder the size of the chocolate chip in her wildest fantasies. But what about jolly or party animal? Those mean fat too, but they’re not the same at all.
See, when a man is fat, he just gets a hell of a lot funnier. It might work the same way for women, but no one would know because funnier times not funny at all is still zero funny. Men are like eye doctors — and also a little bit like used car salesmen.
“Don’t want a fat guy? How about a funny guy? Maybe a snappy dresser or a guy with a beard? Better here or here? How about now? What do I have to do to get you with a fat guy today?”
Women, however, take their inadequacies and shove them right down your throat until you think you’re choking on sugar sweet bullshit. All women should take a lesson from Kirstie Alley who said it best on Oprah.
“I looked in the mirror one day and said, who would want to have sex with that?”
Or something like that, I don’t remember exactly what. That was her point though. And for her public baby steps, Kirstie Alley is this month’s MenAreBetterThanWomen.com’s Honorary Man of the Month. Cheers, you great big tub.
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September 25th, 2005 at 2:26 am - IP Man-Hash: ede4b54b5a72e
FACT more men are obese than women. gosh boys, who cares about the apperance of a situation, when there’s the TRUTH.
September 25th, 2005 at 5:04 am - IP Man-Hash: bbdbd8f85eb8a
Please cite your source, Ness. Was that from your mommy, or your fat auntie? Or your 16 year-old friend at the lunch table? How about O magazine? Give us something, babe.
September 25th, 2005 at 2:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Dick,
Ethnocentric means to judge your group above all others and to test other groups through ways yours is superior, which of cource never results in accurate findings. An example of this would be the Deregowski case study: Pictorial Perception and Culture.
Before you insult my knowledge, have some of your own.
September 25th, 2005 at 2:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1c02f21d37550
Men are not an ethnic group. It doesn’t apply at all.
Do you like apples? How do you like those apples?
-Dick
September 25th, 2005 at 2:43 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Ethnocentrism is not specific to ethnic groups. But all divided groups.
You become more illogical with every comment.
September 25th, 2005 at 2:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1c02f21d37550
Wrong. Ethnocentrism is a belief in one’s own ethnicity or race.
You are wrong. Your cute little quotes on Deregowski can’t save you.
-Dick
September 25th, 2005 at 2:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3604a7f447f6d
“Ethnocentrism is not specific to ethnic groups.”
Yes it is. You are completely wrong and English is not a toy. I can safely assume you couldn’t afford a book since you obviously don’t have the skill or ethic to earn money by your own merit so try a free, online dictionary.
September 25th, 2005 at 3:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Dick, dont act like you even know who Deregowski is.
You read my quotes, move the words around a little and then type them right back and somehow expect it to look origional. Guess what its not.
September 25th, 2005 at 3:04 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1c02f21d37550
What?
-Dick
September 25th, 2005 at 3:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Its ok if you dont understand Dick, alot of people have trouble with literacy.
By the way Deregowski is one of the best examples of Ethnocentrism and his was about nationality, not race, he did not record what race the people were, but where they had grown up.
September 25th, 2005 at 3:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1c02f21d37550
A lot of people do have a problem with literacy. 1 in 3 women to be precise, but I’ve already written on that.
By the way, this isn’t a fucking Deregowski fan site. No one cares because anyone with fingers and half a brain — in other words, women; can look it up on the internet.
Is school still out for summer or something? Is that where the desperate need for approval for your gatherings of useless bits of junk and trivia comes from? You’re not going to get it here, Nicole. Try an abusive but “well-meaning” boyfriend on for size instead.
-Dick
September 26th, 2005 at 9:33 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
When were abusive boys ever well meaning?
September 26th, 2005 at 9:48 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Never. Thanks for proving my point. You’ll understand that comment better, Nicole, after you’ve reasoned your way into sticking with an abuser for the second time.
-Dick
September 26th, 2005 at 9:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Why would I Dick, really?
Think about it.
September 26th, 2005 at 11:43 am - IP Man-Hash: 681f2e2cfc31a
Who is this “Nicole” you’re referring to, Dick?
September 27th, 2005 at 3:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 682b6c01ada1d
2 words… Elvis Presley
http://www.sovlit.com/fatmen.html
Edit by Dick
This is actually Nicole. Posted from the same IP. Poor form.
September 27th, 2005 at 9:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Ooo Dick arn’t fat men sexy…. let me think…… no.
September 27th, 2005 at 2:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ef28a936ed97
Fat men aren’t sexy. Fat women are even less sexy.
You might want to think on that before you indulge in that fifth muffin, Nicole.
September 28th, 2005 at 10:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Kate is strangely male for a woman “she” is agressive and seems to insult everyone.
September 28th, 2005 at 10:39 am - IP Man-Hash: e2bdae6dd4ca9
I find that extremely offensive, Nicole.