Recently a series of unfortunate events has led me to a phenoMANol new invention. But before I discuss it in detail, I want to describe the misfortunes that befell me and led to its discovery. As all you men can clearly tell, what I am about to do is not ‘bitching about my bad day’ — a common woman practice that involves a monotonous screed of easily predictable follies and failures that plague a woman’s life.
What I’m doing is sharing the experiences that led to this great new invention: The Man Bag.
1. I slept on a couch and lost my car keys, which I didn’t discover for several days.
2. Some woman — overcome with hysteria — knocked a full Appletini onto my lap and doused my cell phone with sugary liquor.
3. Ten minutes later, someone stole my pack of cigarettes that I had left on the counter because I was sick of them being in my pocket. That meant I had zero cigarettes.
What the Man Bag is, is something like a pouch — or a portable pocket, held on a cross-body tether. It’s similar to the manly satchels and gunnysacks worn by such man men of history as the pioneers and Indiana Jones, except your Man Bag by come in a completely different shape and size. What is universal about the Man Bag is that it has a million and one uses. Let me explain.
If I had had a Man Bag, my car keys would not have been in my pocket. I also don’t use a key ring because key rings are so effeminate they make me sick, so when I sleep on a couch, all my keys fall out. That is not so with a Man Bag. When properly zipped up, your keys are as safe as peas in a pod. Also, nothing can be spilled on your manly gadgets and electrical devices when they are protected by a Man Bag. Man Bags come in many water resistant materials including nylon and canvas. Your protection may vary.
If someone steals your cigarettes, normally you’re fucked because no man wants his pockets stuffed with extra packs of cigarettes. Then you’d look like a jockey. With a Man Bag, two or even three packs of cigarettes can safely be carried — along with several lighters!
In fact, new uses for the Man Bag are discovered perpetually while investigating its utility first hand. That’s how you know Man Bags are truly a perfect fit with man — because they are constantly improving and being even more useful — just like men.
I was leaning over someone to fetch my drink from a table — something that happens all the time in any crowded bar. Occasionally, it will result in an accidental penis touch. Something that we all know is a major deduction of your Man Points and sometimes (especially if it’s a woman) a loss of your drink. In this case, my Man Bag swung around and protected my dibblety gibblety automatically — like it had a mind of its own.
I’m thinking that the Man Bag is going to do for men what the hands free headset and Pump Reebok running sneakers did: make us faster and more powerful than we ever could have imagined. Either way, like everything else every thought of by man, the Man Bag is genius.