Since the idea of a dowry went extinct, men have been under fire from women for one thing more than any other: a phobia of commitment. Like stuck walruses, women scream that men have a fear of commitment; a fear that is childish and in constant odds with our biological impulse to screw anything that walks.

That’s bullshit.

Men love commitment.

Men commit faster and with more enthusiasm than any other creature on Earth. Every time I see a starving dog attack a bowl of food, I think of a man committing to something. Intense!

Marriage is not the definition of commitment.

A wife takes the same amount of commitment as a house plant. All you have to do is keep her well watered with money and in fifty years she’ll blossom into a ripe old prune. That doesn’t sound like commitment. That sounds like a chore.

Below are some man tasks I’ve compiled to demonstrate man’s love for commitment. But that’s not all I’ll be shoving up women’s ass. These things also show conclusively that men rush into commitments faster, with more zeal, and with a greater ability to live up to them than women.

Men are better than women at commitment.

Business

1.6 men start a business for every one woman who does the same. (1)

The first rule of running a restaurant is, “be there every night.” The first rule of running a business is, “think about your business every goddamn second of your life.” And starting a business is a commitment men make 60% more than women.

The business world is a world lacking in pink rubber iPod cases and purses big enough for dogs. The business world is also not built on failure or shopping all day out of a Williams-Sonoma catalog. That’s never made anyone but Williams-Sonoma rich and I’m not even sure he’s a real guy.

The Army

Women make up 15% of the Army (2)

An average of 15% of the Army, Navy, and the Marines, has been infiltrated by America’s lesser half.

As far as commitments go, marrying Uncle Sam is a lot like marrying a woman. Except with Uncle Sam, there are no presents, no honeymoon, and no one starts saving for college when some dick head in a turban launches a mortar shell up your ass.

Congratulations, soldier. It’s a boy!

If men are so afraid of commitment, then why are they joining the world’s combat forces like war has a pair of tits?

The army proves men are better than women at everything. Men are emotional even though women say we’re not, men are not afraid of commitment when commitment needs doing, and if you don’t like that, the army will defend your right to do so. A woman would never do that.

The Wage Gap

Women earn an average of $0.74 for every $1 earned by men. (3)

Fuck the wage gap. Mexican day-laborers get paid a fraction of what licensed, unionized contractors do, and what happened there? Mexican day-laborers replaced unionized contractors whenever possible.

The key words there are “whenever possible”.

Women employees cost 25% less than male employees — and they have boobs. Since this is America and not Candy Land, where basic economic principles no longer apply, that means only one thing: female workers must replace male workers whenever possible.

They do. Female workers replace male workers whenever possible.

Female workers replace male workers when answering phones and baby sitting children in day care. Female workers replace male workers when teaching children shit they will never need outside of watching Jeopardy and understanding the jokes on the Daily Show. Female workers replace male workers when men haven’t invented a robot who can do the job for free and without calling in sick because of their robo-period.

Female workers replace male workers whenever a commitment to competence isn’t needed. The wage gap proves men love commitment. We’ll invest the time it takes to be needed.

Investments

“Many women tend to neglect their financial and retirement planning. By ignoring their financial and investment education today, they seriously jeopardize their financial security later in life…” - David Braze, Financial Expert

When it comes to making investments, women don’t do it. They can’t be bothered to commit to their own financial stability because they have vaginas, and women think a vagina is the only financial stability they need.

Vagina futures, however, are unlike oil futures and myself. Vagina futures go down. And they start around 23.

Even women who do invest are scared shitless of it. In fact, women are 50% more risk averse than men. That means women will choose inaction over action 50% more often simply because they are terrified of their choice being wrong.

Terror is never a good business decision. It’s not a decision at all.

Women save 75% less than men in their pensions, 50% less in their 401k’s, and are way less likely to know how much money they’ll need after they retire. (3)

That makes sense. If women treat retirement like they treat clubbing, let’s just say it’s a good thing they’ll be able to remove their teeth.

Being Awesome

Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Sometimes that means jumping the Snake River Canyon on a jet powered motorsled. And sometimes that means drinking a bunch of horse sperm. Don’t watch Jackass: Number Two if that sentence made you uncomfortable.

Being Nicolas Cage takes a lifetime of commitment. Being Mrs. Jane Smith takes about six months of nagging.

Manclusion

If women had anything to offer, a man would sign a life-time lease faster than he could open a business or join the Army or buy a bunch of stocks. Women don’t though. Women are magazine subscriptions. They’re full of shit and they’re never good to pay for after a year.

Men are not in the habit of pissing our valuable lives away on pointless bullshit. Men are also not in the habit of tying our dicks in a noose because some sweet looking girl smiles at our jokes for a week and gives a good BJ.

That’s not called commitment. That’s called being psychotic.

Man-bliography:
1. Business
2. War
3. Old Broads

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This entry was posted under Myths and Lores.