Men Love Commitment
Since the idea of a dowry went extinct, men have been under fire from women for one thing more than any other: a phobia of commitment. Like stuck walruses, women scream that men have a fear of commitment; a fear that is childish and in constant odds with our biological impulse to screw anything that walks.
That’s bullshit.
Men love commitment.
Men commit faster and with more enthusiasm than any other creature on Earth. Every time I see a starving dog attack a bowl of food, I think of a man committing to something. Intense!
Marriage is not the definition of commitment.
A wife takes the same amount of commitment as a house plant. All you have to do is keep her well watered with money and in fifty years she’ll blossom into a ripe old prune. That doesn’t sound like commitment. That sounds like a chore.
Below are some man tasks I’ve compiled to demonstrate man’s love for commitment. But that’s not all I’ll be shoving up women’s ass. These things also show conclusively that men rush into commitments faster, with more zeal, and with a greater ability to live up to them than women.
Men are better than women at commitment.
Business
1.6 men start a business for every one woman who does the same. (1)
The first rule of running a restaurant is, “be there every night.” The first rule of running a business is, “think about your business every goddamn second of your life.” And starting a business is a commitment men make 60% more than women.
The business world is a world lacking in pink rubber iPod cases and purses big enough for dogs. The business world is also not built on failure or shopping all day out of a Williams-Sonoma catalog. That’s never made anyone but Williams-Sonoma rich and I’m not even sure he’s a real guy.
The Army
Women make up 15% of the Army (2)
An average of 15% of the Army, Navy, and the Marines, has been infiltrated by America’s lesser half.
As far as commitments go, marrying Uncle Sam is a lot like marrying a woman. Except with Uncle Sam, there are no presents, no honeymoon, and no one starts saving for college when some dick head in a turban launches a mortar shell up your ass.
Congratulations, soldier. It’s a boy!
If men are so afraid of commitment, then why are they joining the world’s combat forces like war has a pair of tits?
The army proves men are better than women at everything. Men are emotional even though women say we’re not, men are not afraid of commitment when commitment needs doing, and if you don’t like that, the army will defend your right to do so. A woman would never do that.
The Wage Gap
Women earn an average of $0.74 for every $1 earned by men. (3)
Fuck the wage gap. Mexican day-laborers get paid a fraction of what licensed, unionized contractors do, and what happened there? Mexican day-laborers replaced unionized contractors whenever possible.
The key words there are “whenever possible”.
Women employees cost 25% less than male employees — and they have boobs. Since this is America and not Candy Land, where basic economic principles no longer apply, that means only one thing: female workers must replace male workers whenever possible.
They do. Female workers replace male workers whenever possible.
Female workers replace male workers when answering phones and baby sitting children in day care. Female workers replace male workers when teaching children shit they will never need outside of watching Jeopardy and understanding the jokes on the Daily Show. Female workers replace male workers when men haven’t invented a robot who can do the job for free and without calling in sick because of their robo-period.
Female workers replace male workers whenever a commitment to competence isn’t needed. The wage gap proves men love commitment. We’ll invest the time it takes to be needed.
Investments
“Many women tend to neglect their financial and retirement planning. By ignoring their financial and investment education today, they seriously jeopardize their financial security later in life…” - David Braze, Financial Expert
When it comes to making investments, women don’t do it. They can’t be bothered to commit to their own financial stability because they have vaginas, and women think a vagina is the only financial stability they need.
Vagina futures, however, are unlike oil futures and myself. Vagina futures go down. And they start around 23.
Even women who do invest are scared shitless of it. In fact, women are 50% more risk averse than men. That means women will choose inaction over action 50% more often simply because they are terrified of their choice being wrong.
Terror is never a good business decision. It’s not a decision at all.
Women save 75% less than men in their pensions, 50% less in their 401k’s, and are way less likely to know how much money they’ll need after they retire. (3)
That makes sense. If women treat retirement like they treat clubbing, let’s just say it’s a good thing they’ll be able to remove their teeth.
Being Awesome
Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Sometimes that means jumping the Snake River Canyon on a jet powered motorsled. And sometimes that means drinking a bunch of horse sperm. Don’t watch Jackass: Number Two if that sentence made you uncomfortable.
Being Nicolas Cage takes a lifetime of commitment. Being Mrs. Jane Smith takes about six months of nagging.
Manclusion
If women had anything to offer, a man would sign a life-time lease faster than he could open a business or join the Army or buy a bunch of stocks. Women don’t though. Women are magazine subscriptions. They’re full of shit and they’re never good to pay for after a year.
Men are not in the habit of pissing our valuable lives away on pointless bullshit. Men are also not in the habit of tying our dicks in a noose because some sweet looking girl smiles at our jokes for a week and gives a good BJ.
That’s not called commitment. That’s called being psychotic.
Man-bliography:
1. Business
2. War
3. Old Broads
Related Articles:
March 26th, 2008 at 10:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 3e671a5656d20
Unfortunately I haven’t found them being speechless during either. Or does speaking between every mouthful count?
March 26th, 2008 at 7:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: fd5cd69179bd1
The lack of logic in the article would be amazing had it not been posted on this website.
Who does better in their investments? Women. Why? Because we trade our investments less. Buy and hold. Just like Warren Buffett preaches.
And a lot of time women have less invested in their retirement because they take time off work to raise kids. And if they make less, they have less to invest, so of course the balances are going to be lower.
If I put in 10% of my 75K salary, a man making 100K only has to put in 7.5% of his to have the same amount has me in a 401(k).
The most amusing part of the article-the only amusing part of the article-was that drinking a bunch of horse semen was listed under “being awesome.” That should be part of next year’s man challenge: drinking a bunch of horse sperm.
March 26th, 2008 at 8:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: fd5cd69179bd1
And to add to my last comment, while you laud action over inaction and decry “terror” in investing, studies have shown that one of the reasons women’s portfolios do better than men is because we gravitate toward bonds and tried-and-true stocks. Men go for the latest thing and sell more (which isn’t exactly commitment, now is it?)
Being a little timid can really pay off in investing.
March 26th, 2008 at 11:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
I appreciate the bibliography. I would like a piece detailing the disparities between children raised by single mothers as opposed to single fathers next, complete with some census data and a few digests.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 25038a3848d64
So Warren Buffett employs the typical woman’s investment strategy? That is interesting to know.
Actually WB preaches knowing what you are doing. He preaches finding a good stock and buying and holding that, not buying and holding per se.
Maybe women are better at ice hockey too, because they don’t get hurt as often playing it?
March 27th, 2008 at 4:33 am - IP Man-Hash: fd5cd69179bd1
I would like five million dollars. What’s your point?
BTW, what I wrote wasn’t a bibliography. Not that I’d expect you to actually know what a bibliography is.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:40 am - IP Man-Hash: fd5cd69179bd1
WB supports investing, whether or not you know what you’re doing. If you know what you’re doing, then he recommends buying individual stocks. If you don’t have a financial background, then he recommends buying index funds. But either way, he recommends buying and holding.
And the goal of investing is to make money. Women are better at men in doing so. The purpose of playing games like ice hockey is to win. The team that suffers fewer injuries does not necessarily win.
March 27th, 2008 at 4:50 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
A is cute and stupid - two well-rounded albeit incomplete perspectives on life, if so to say. In her nightie, talking about nothing - so adorable.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:13 am - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b
Wonder if she had anything invested with Bear Stearns. Investing is a crap shoot at best baby. Know when to hold em, know when to fold em. As all women suck at poker, I can only assume they suck at investing too.
-Solomon
March 27th, 2008 at 2:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 369bfee4084ad
*snort*
My soda just about went through my nose on that one!
If the Eiffel tower was built by women, they’d still be trying to find a man to do the heavy work.
I do have to correct you on one thing, Dick. The wage gap is nearly non-existent when you compare apples to apples. If women were actually paid 24% less, I think we’d have a HELL of a lot more men in the unemployment line.
March 27th, 2008 at 5:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: fc0356eac0dee
While for the most part you talk shit, I can see how you relate commitment to investment. You buy shares expecting to profit from them, and when they look as though they’ve made as much profit for you as they can you dispose of them.
Sums up a womans perspective of commitment to a relationship nicely.
March 27th, 2008 at 6:36 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Well done, Geeza.
March 27th, 2008 at 6:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: fc0356eac0dee
Thanks SOTS. Another woman suffering from foot-in-mouth disease.
March 27th, 2008 at 7:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: fd5cd69179bd1
Except WOMEN are the one to buy-and-hold, while MEN are the ones selling everytime they see something that might be more profitable. Except, of course, the men usually suffer for flipping their stock so much.
Women are the committed stockowners.
So you were almost right. Except your logic was completely backward.
Maybe you need to learn to read.
March 27th, 2008 at 10:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: e1caec5062137
ABitch, please shut your fucking mouth while men are talking. When the fire hits the fuel who will be there to protect you shitheads but us cowboys? That’s all that needs to be said. You women keep coming here and fucking around then maybe you’ll have to be the ones to go end up dead in some dust bowl.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 8a34a6940015e
Nice one. You have found something to make good money on.
I am looking forward to the Dick show. (similar to Jerry Springer show)
March 28th, 2008 at 5:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 25038a3848d64
If you were correct, women would have more money than men. But men always seem to have more money, ergo, you must be incorrect.
Re hockey, I was simply making the point that often women look like they are doing well, but its fake. At first glance, one would think women are very good ice hockey players because they have less injuries and less fights. However, put a men’s team against a women’s team and the truth is revealed instantly.
In a fake system like we have now where inflation is hidden and stocks that are actually going down look like they are going up, it’s easy for even mediocre investors to look pretty good. Notice how the govt is bailing bad investors out left, right, and center. So many of the female failings in this world are patched up by govt largess these days. Institutionalised feminism supports this racket. Ever notice how so many “equal opportunity” govt departments are staffed by 80% women these days?
Women THRIVE on bullshit.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
So the PC term for a troll is a competitor.
And I thought men were supposed to be the losers and failures.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:08 am - IP Man-Hash: fc0356eac0dee
Maybe you should read what you write.
You’re the one who made the connection between the way a woman makes a commitment to a relationship and an investment, not me.
I’m just pointing out how poignant that is.
Now maybe if you didnt jabber endlessly like a fucking feminist parrot you wouldnt make such an ass of yourself.
March 28th, 2008 at 2:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: df37fcf12bff0
Women… what utterly perplexing creatures! They leave me rather discombobulated even at the best of times. I need not say, that upon the matter of commitment, one finds women have quite contrasting principles.
Most men recognise the entirely imprudent decision to inaugurate themselves into a new chapter of life, that being the one of the married man. This requires not just sanity, and a self will to persevere, but copious amounts of money and patience.
It is a known fact that the male species takes on a task of Herculean proportions when entering that curséd affair better known as marriage. Much more so than women, who need not worry about marriage seen as the laborious and fatiguing job of the spouse is left up to the men. For example, it has long been known to modern society, that one of the only interests that inhabit the inner being of a women, is the need for rich husband and a credit card with limitless amounts of money to fund their large hankering for shoes and clothes. What the fairer sex do not realise is the backbreaking work that us men must put in in order to fulfil their every wim and desire.
Therefore, I conclude dear friends, that men undertake more toil and pain when entering marriage, and therefore our commitment is far greater. It would be foolish for a woman not to recognise this, yet this is still evident as they whine and whimper endlessy still. Unfortunately there is not much we can do, as we are such rational beings, our nonchalantess infuriates them.
It is not any man’s devoirs to prolong the upkeep of these needy creatures. Emancipate yourselves!
Sir Jorjé