Nicolas Cage – Lord of Men
Have you ever had sex with a woman who loves Nicolas Cage?
No you haven’t, because no woman loves Nicolas Cage. All women hate Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage is so great and he knows it — that’s why. He’s also too manly for his own good. Just like moustaches, women hate anything that’s too manly. They hate it because they can’t resist throwing themselves at it for sexual gratification like sacrificial virgins.
Nicolas Cage is so manly he changed his very own name to more accurately match the ferocity of his manosity. Nicolas Cage is the second manliest man to be. Here’s why.
Can you imagine a world without Face Off or Con Air or Gone in Sixty Seconds? Of course you can because you’re a man, but also of course you can’t for the same reason! Men don’t spend their days idly imagining horrible shit. That’s why men don’t make bad, over-protective mothers. That and because of their enormous penises.
I was watching Lord of War the other day when I arrived at a frightening conclusion. Nicolas Cage is so manly that everyone can shut the fuck up. That’s why women hate him so much. Nicolas Cage knows no mercy or compassion and it’s obvious in every fucking move that he makes. That’s why his nose looks all fucking weird like that. Like Nero or something. Because he’s like an eagle that’s ten stories tall. He’s a wrecking ball with an indestructible spike welded to the side that makes it look like a cool three dimensional representation of the biological man sign.
I now present three of the best moments in film that prove conclusively why Nicolas Cage is considered by everyone to be the manliest man in cinema and by extension the world.
3. Nicolas Cage had sex with his girlfriend in pigtails on the roof of a building during a conversation about how he’s not into settling down. Nicolas Cage doesn’t play that game. That’s the manliest thing anyone has ever done anywhere. The only way it could have been more manlier was if the conversation had ended with a slap.
2. Nicolas Cage had sex with Angelina Jolie in a car he was in the middle of stealing. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith and as a man I know who’s in charge when I see it. The fact is, besides Nicolas Cage and Jack Black in Shark’s Tale, no man has ever told Angelina Jolie where she can shove it because she definitely fucking needs to.
1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.
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Chris AND MarkEMark=Mr. Empty-pants
Um, just for the record, I love Nicolas Cage. So, the OP is wrong in assuming chicks don’t like him. He’s hot. He’s awesome. He’s hotter and more awesome than you, therefore this whole thread is busted.
Cage is manly, yes it’s true…but there is one greater. Steve McQueen.
To quote him, “I live for myself and I answer to nobody.”
That’s so fucking manly!
Clint Eastwood pwns all
I like Bruce Willis and Jack Nicholson…
Nah, Statham is alright. But he´s usually Jason Statham at playing Jason Statham kicking ass.
Lord of War was one of the best flics I watched in a long time. And Cage managed to improve that flic by his sheer awesomeness.
No contest.
This article sucked. Nicolas Cage is no doubt a bad ass however theres no need for an entire article serenading him like this. For the record, Jason Statham is manlier.
Nicholas Cage is one badass motherfucker, but I think that Kurt Russell and Bruce Campbell are the manliest sons-of-bitches ever. You can’t beat Snake Plissken and Ash
“1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.”
Uhm, no.
I do it, for real, on a fairly regular basis. Not only is it my job, but on the 4th of July, I’m going to do it just for fun!
Guns are the foundation of all that is civilized and decent; because they can kill anything that isn’t.
Dude, he is an actor…. you do realize he is payed to say everything he says and do everything he does in those movies, right? Dude, thats like me saying Indiana Jones is manly because the character in the movies kicks ass with a whip and six shooter, or Neo makes another man (Agent) explode with his power in The Matrix… they’re fantasy, not reality, a bunch of director written pre-thought and scripted crap.
Umm… is that because both Nicolas and Harrison are manly?…. Damn straight you can say that about an actor, because it’s true.
Only a real man can pull it off so well? Name ONE chick who acted as anything besides ‘girl-next-door’ or ’smoking hot bitch’? there is a reason why directors trust roles which require ACTING to men because women suck at it.
While it’s true that Cage is a bad Mother Fucker, he didn’t reach that level of bad assery until he asked Sean Connery what he should do in The Rock and Sean just gave him a thumbs up. At that exact moment his nuts doubled in size and started shooting guys and stabbing himself in the heart for fun. This is because Connery truely is the Baddest Mother Fucker ever to live.
Man he rocked in Lord or War!
How long have you identified with the homosexual community? It’s okay, you aren’t alone here. Here’s a friend to cheer you up ;D
http://salmonofdoubt.110mb.com/gay.txt
I’m sure you’ll both ‘hit it off.’ Just don’t do any more of that 2g1c stuff, that’s fucking disgusting. You’re a ‘human’, not a hog ;D
What about schwarzenegger in terminator and the predator? now that is cool shit dude!!!
Con air and Face off were awesome!! gone in sixty seconds totally gay ass crap remember that shitface!!!
It’s just man-love baby. It may be hard to understand for women, but men can have great respect and admiration for other men without wanting to fuck them.
True, I am straight as they come but hey, I admire a man’s taste that he thinks I am hot.
nicholas cage is cool :/ i dont hate him…
He acts the same way in every movie, ergo, he can’t act. Except that one time in Face Off.
Typical woman, 19 words that convey next to nothing.
But he was in City of Angels, and that is possibly one of the worst movies ever. And he looked like a stupid abused dog throughout all of it.
How about when he died in leaving Las Vegas when he got his lady to have sex with him and in a true man’s way to go he was hard as a rock before he kicked it. What a way to go!! I know if I get screwed by too many more of these snake bitches that’s how I’m going to go. with a bottle and a whore