Nicolas Cage – Lord of Men

Have you ever had sex with a woman who loves Nicolas Cage?

No you haven’t, because no woman loves Nicolas Cage. All women hate Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage is so great and he knows it — that’s why. He’s also too manly for his own good. Just like moustaches, women hate anything that’s too manly. They hate it because they can’t resist throwing themselves at it for sexual gratification like sacrificial virgins.

Nicolas Cage is so manly he changed his very own name to more accurately match the ferocity of his manosity. Nicolas Cage is the second manliest man to be. Here’s why.

Can you imagine a world without Face Off or Con Air or Gone in Sixty Seconds? Of course you can because you’re a man, but also of course you can’t for the same reason! Men don’t spend their days idly imagining horrible shit. That’s why men don’t make bad, over-protective mothers. That and because of their enormous penises.

I was watching Lord of War the other day when I arrived at a frightening conclusion. Nicolas Cage is so manly that everyone can shut the fuck up. That’s why women hate him so much. Nicolas Cage knows no mercy or compassion and it’s obvious in every fucking move that he makes. That’s why his nose looks all fucking weird like that. Like Nero or something. Because he’s like an eagle that’s ten stories tall. He’s a wrecking ball with an indestructible spike welded to the side that makes it look like a cool three dimensional representation of the biological man sign.

I now present three of the best moments in film that prove conclusively why Nicolas Cage is considered by everyone to be the manliest man in cinema and by extension the world.

3. Nicolas Cage had sex with his girlfriend in pigtails on the roof of a building during a conversation about how he’s not into settling down. Nicolas Cage doesn’t play that game. That’s the manliest thing anyone has ever done anywhere. The only way it could have been more manlier was if the conversation had ended with a slap.

2. Nicolas Cage had sex with Angelina Jolie in a car he was in the middle of stealing. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith and as a man I know who’s in charge when I see it. The fact is, besides Nicolas Cage and Jack Black in Shark’s Tale, no man has ever told Angelina Jolie where she can shove it because she definitely fucking needs to.

1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.

Related Articles:

Name (required)
E-mail (required - never shown publicly)
URI

RSS feed | Trackback URI

65 Comments in 61 threads.»

Pages: [4] 3 2 1 » Show All

Comment by Haha89
2009-10-01 13:49:13 - IP Man-Hash: b2a3745f0d705

Chris AND MarkEMark=Mr. Empty-pants

 
Comment by yeah_a_chick
2009-09-05 22:48:17 - IP Man-Hash: 884c7f5398b8c

Um, just for the record, I love Nicolas Cage. So, the OP is wrong in assuming chicks don’t like him. He’s hot. He’s awesome. He’s hotter and more awesome than you, therefore this whole thread is busted.

 
Comment by MP
2009-03-14 18:02:00 - IP Man-Hash: 8018ee2a4df9a

Cage is manly, yes it’s true…but there is one greater. Steve McQueen.

To quote him, “I live for myself and I answer to nobody.”

That’s so fucking manly!

 
Comment by sinbadthesinner
2009-01-23 21:44:20 - IP Man-Hash: 605287e47f20a

Clint Eastwood pwns all

 
Comment by Liviana Mari R
2008-09-13 13:11:34 - IP Man-Hash: 8a37b6454e781

I like Bruce Willis and Jack Nicholson…

 
Comment by Hans
2008-07-31 01:39:07 - IP Man-Hash: 75e3b984e09c6

Nah, Statham is alright. But he´s usually Jason Statham at playing Jason Statham kicking ass.
Lord of War was one of the best flics I watched in a long time. And Cage managed to improve that flic by his sheer awesomeness.
No contest.

 
Comment by AM I
2008-07-31 00:23:30 - IP Man-Hash: 56cd7d82603b9

This article sucked. Nicolas Cage is no doubt a bad ass however theres no need for an entire article serenading him like this. For the record, Jason Statham is manlier.

 
Comment by Hucmiester
2008-07-28 18:19:47 - IP Man-Hash: b96805efae36b

Nicholas Cage is one badass motherfucker, but I think that Kurt Russell and Bruce Campbell are the manliest sons-of-bitches ever. You can’t beat Snake Plissken and Ash

 
Comment by Dustin
2008-06-28 17:20:06 - IP Man-Hash: 43fafadb17f45

“1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.”

Uhm, no.

I do it, for real, on a fairly regular basis. Not only is it my job, but on the 4th of July, I’m going to do it just for fun!

Guns are the foundation of all that is civilized and decent; because they can kill anything that isn’t.

 
Comment by Corey
2008-05-24 23:42:38 - IP Man-Hash: 923237a4f46d7

Dude, he is an actor…. you do realize he is payed to say everything he says and do everything he does in those movies, right? Dude, thats like me saying Indiana Jones is manly because the character in the movies kicks ass with a whip and six shooter, or Neo makes another man (Agent) explode with his power in The Matrix… they’re fantasy, not reality, a bunch of director written pre-thought and scripted crap.

Comment by Dr. Kr0wbar
2008-07-26 20:06:38 - IP Man-Hash: 3a6da7983aead

Umm… is that because both Nicolas and Harrison are manly?…. Damn straight you can say that about an actor, because it’s true.

 
Comment by Hades
2009-04-20 21:49:56 - IP Man-Hash: 6ffcdfd772025

Only a real man can pull it off so well? Name ONE chick who acted as anything besides ‘girl-next-door’ or ’smoking hot bitch’? there is a reason why directors trust roles which require ACTING to men because women suck at it.

 
 
Comment by Duke McGregger
2008-04-20 18:25:50 - IP Man-Hash: 55f0f857d1771

While it’s true that Cage is a bad Mother Fucker, he didn’t reach that level of bad assery until he asked Sean Connery what he should do in The Rock and Sean just gave him a thumbs up. At that exact moment his nuts doubled in size and started shooting guys and stabbing himself in the heart for fun. This is because Connery truely is the Baddest Mother Fucker ever to live.

 
Comment by Capt. Travis Bach
2008-04-16 03:48:29 - IP Man-Hash: 28f92a78ad570

Man he rocked in Lord or War!

 
Comment by Doubt
2008-04-07 01:07:38 - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28

ruler of rulers said:

now that is cool shit dude!!!

How long have you identified with the homosexual community? It’s okay, you aren’t alone here. Here’s a friend to cheer you up ;D
http://salmonofdoubt.110mb.com/gay.txt
I’m sure you’ll both ‘hit it off.’ Just don’t do any more of that 2g1c stuff, that’s fucking disgusting. You’re a ‘human’, not a hog ;D

 
Comment by ruler of rulers
2008-04-07 01:01:44 - IP Man-Hash: 3c3ca5120d047

What about schwarzenegger in terminator and the predator? now that is cool shit dude!!!

 
Comment by ruler of rulers
2008-04-07 01:00:07 - IP Man-Hash: 3c3ca5120d047

Con air and Face off were awesome!! gone in sixty seconds totally gay ass crap remember that shitface!!!

 
Comment by Adrian
2008-04-05 02:41:53 - IP Man-Hash: e4018ab92fba7

Syber Raith said:

You sound like a frigging girl!

How about you send Nic a picture of your spread eagle, and spare the rest of us the burden of listening to your drivel.

Best regards,

S.R.

It’s just man-love baby. It may be hard to understand for women, but men can have great respect and admiration for other men without wanting to fuck them.

Comment by Hades
2009-04-20 21:51:48 - IP Man-Hash: dae797e01615e

True, I am straight as they come but hey, I admire a man’s taste that he thinks I am hot.

 
 
Comment by kristina
2007-09-22 22:40:10 - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544

nicholas cage is cool :/ i dont hate him…

 
Comment by Female
2007-09-06 15:24:56 - IP Man-Hash: 92db72c86765b

He acts the same way in every movie, ergo, he can’t act. Except that one time in Face Off.

Comment by Hades
2009-04-20 21:53:12 - IP Man-Hash: 38f11d5a88a6a

Typical woman, 19 words that convey next to nothing.

 
 
Comment by Erin
2007-09-06 14:34:21 - IP Man-Hash: a322eaf2dfffd

But he was in City of Angels, and that is possibly one of the worst movies ever. And he looked like a stupid abused dog throughout all of it.

 
Comment by ross lipsky
2007-05-27 13:03:04 - IP Man-Hash: 6f87924f77d53

How about when he died in leaving Las Vegas when he got his lady to have sex with him and in a true man’s way to go he was hard as a rock before he kicked it. What a way to go!! I know if I get screwed by too many more of these snake bitches that’s how I’m going to go. with a bottle and a whore

 

Close
E-mail It
Powered by ShareThis