Screaming At Your Wife Is Good For You

Screaming at a woman is like running on a treadmill. It’s not going to get you anywhere because women are as dense as lead shit, and it’s a loss of Man Points.

Wasting time is a loss of Man Points.

Women understand a good screaming at as much as a dog. You could sound like a logical jet engine, but the yap won’t shut, the budget won’t be learned, and the shoes will still get eaten. Turn it up to 11 if you want, but know that your Engine of Correction is powered on burning Man Points.

Also, according to a new study, screaming at your wife or girlfriend is good for your health — just like running on a treadmill. Maybe it’s not such a waste of time after all.

Whenever I think of emotions, I like to think of them as little terrorists running around inside the bodies of women, making them do insane things like cry at work and have illegitimate children. Well, there’s another similarity between emotions and terrorists. Both will get you killed if you harbor them. In the case of terrorists, your country gets invaded; and in the case of emotions, your heart explodes like a carpet bomb raid across the desert on CNN during prime time. As manly as that sounds, there are better ways to go.

A recent study at the University of Michigan found that the instance of death in couples who scream at each other is half of those who don’t.

“When both spouses suppressed their anger at the other when unfairly attacked, earlier death was twice as likely than in all other types.” – Professor Ernest Harburg

That means if you’re in a relationship who solves it’s problems by shouting and not pouting, you’re going to shout your way into retirement. Your quiet neighbors will be having their treasured heirlooms sold off at an estate sale while you’re having screaming make-up sex — or better yet, while you’re getting up to whatever scandalous thing is going to cause that massive fight later.

I imagine it works proportionally; whereby the angrier the screaming, the more life is being saved, however I have no study to back that up.

Fighting is manly. Therefore fighting is good for you. Men are better than women. Doing things in the womanly way: by writing journals about your problems, reading journals about your problems, or gabbing about your problems with your friends who are waiting for their turn to talk, is not only boring, it’s a cause of Early Death.

Early Death is an ED that cheating on your wife won’t cure.

But the study gets even manlier. It was also found that the death-preventing effects of shouting still work when only one parter in the couple is doing the screaming.

I’ve seen a lot of women get chewed out for doing something stupid. I once saw a woman get chewed out for throwing a two thousand dollar check in the trash. Obviously she cried about it because that’s what women do when they’re faced with any challenge more difficult than sudoku. However, when she was done crying, what I didn’t hear her say was this:

“Thank you for saving my life.”

Sometimes I think we should continue wasting money in schools trying to shove science down the throat of young she-monkeys. At least then women could understand just how much better we men are. If they understood statistics, women would understand not to cry because of some shouting. It’s life saving. What the fuck is the big deal anyway? It’s just some shouting. It’s not going to cause an avalanche because there’s no snow around for a hundred miles, and unless you’re a child, screaming is no more frightening than a train going by. Grow the fuck up.

Scream at your wife. It’s healthy.

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