Manly Man Men: Stephen Colbert

I only had to watch the Colbert Report a few times to realize Stephen Colbert deserved a spot of honor among the Manliest Man Men of our day.

Please note this is not to be confused with the Manliest Man Men of all time. I don’t know who the third Manliest Man Man of all time would be. Maybe Ghengis Khan? Steve McQueen? Steve McQueen is like a super manly man wearing a kilt. He’s wearing a fucking skirt, but he’s so manly it’s called a kilt and furthermore it’s the basis for the whole Scottish culture.

The only way Steve McQueen could be more manly was if his name was Fairy McWoman.

Stephen Colbert is the third manliest man man of our day because he has never been wrong.

See, part of being a man is knowing and admitting when you’re wrong — and that’s never. No man has ever been wrong ever. A man may have explained himself poorly or spoken out of context or been ill-informed of the facts or been in a foul temper or probably may even have been drunk or dyslexic; the fact remains he has never been wrong. Let me explain.

Are the ancient astronomers retarded for thinking the Earth was the center of the universe? Are they wrong? No. First of all, it makes good sense if you think about it from their point of view. I wake up every day and that’s when shit starts happening. And it happens in my country which is the center of all my maps. Shouldn’t my planet be the center of the fucking universe as well? How many sons does God have?

That’s right. It doesn’t seem retarded at all when you think of it like that. That’s the key word there, “think”. Men think about everything. They hypothesize and weight evidence and postulate without getting their underpants in a twist. Women just kind of spin together words they heard on television.

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

Yes. That makes no fucking sense either way.

“I’m my dog’s mommy.”

You are of a different species, madam. Secondly, all men are working toward the same goal of being right. In that way, all men are at all times one more step in the “right” direction. That makes all men right at all times and in everything they do. Women don’t collectively work toward anything except bringing more foul children into the world. That’s why crime rates are so much lower for single father homes.

Stephen Colbert has never been wrong and because he’s a man he never will be. He embodies that third most important principle of being a man; the giant collective man-force that moves worlds no matter which universe they’re not the center of.

Let me end on this, if someone is speaking French to you and you don’t understand does that make them wrong? Don’t be ridiculous. And don’t ever let a woman tell you you’re wrong. Her head is full of donkey shit.

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