The Cow Says…

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Like every other saying there is about women being great or having any skills that don’t involve wanton promiscuity, the above is complete horseshit. It’s like this. Remember when everyone was always talking about how great Krispy Kreme doughnuts were. You couldn’t make it from your car to your desk without hearing about how they melt in your mouth or the exact amount of time to microwave them before the Great Gorging — I don’t know what the analogous scenario is for women. It’s probably they couldn’t make it through an entire Oprah commercial block, while sitting on their fat asses at home, without actually downing doughnuts by the handful or at least without thinking of bathing in the doughy goodness. Who cares.

The point is that the doughnuts are good, sure, but they’re just doughnuts. Just like women and scorn. A woman may get pretty pissed off, but what can she do? She’s just a woman.

When a woman gets bent, after insulting your mother, the first thing she does is clam up like she knows what’s good for her. It gives her the airs of a considerate, rational person who wants to think for a moment about whatever horrible thing she’s just done or said. Maybe reflect on past transgressions that have led to such behavior. Perhaps prepare an apology? Don’t be a fool. She’s quiet out of spite.

The most powerful thing a scorned woman can do is give you the silent treatment. Fuck, I’ve been putting that on my Christmas list since I was twelve. If anyone out there has done anything to piss a woman off, please feel free to blame it on me. That way in the unlikely event that I run into this woman on the street, we’ll already be on not-speaking terms. Perfect. It would be a modern utopia of mouthless women. Regardless of which, I’m pretty sure that’s not how the bible describes Hell.

A woman’s scorn is also telling all her friends that you’re an asshole.

Actually, hold on. That does sound like hell.

Maybe in a small piece of her reptilian mind, women know that true hell is attention from a bunch of women with leashes in hand at the same time. What a fucking nightmare. And in that same small piece of brain, a woman knows that the one way to get that is by telling all her friends that you’re a scum bag.

Of course it isn’t true, because you’re a man and you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. Even when asked to, men cannot fuck up on par with a woman. It’s like asking a perfectly literate person to suddenly not be able to read – or at least not read well. Try as they might, the words will just make sense. That’s how life is to men. It just makes sense.

At the end of the day, sayings like hell hath no fury like a woman scorned are fabrications and the mythology of a feminized society meant to frighten children into respecting something that doesn’t exist.

Scorning women is like masturbating. It’s fun, there are always new and interesting ways to do it, and there are no fucking consequences. You’re not going to go blind. She’s not going to drive your car off a cliff or fuck up your credit. Do it as much as you want, just try to keep one or the other out of the workplace. I’m not sure which.

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