The Ubermensch

If a man is so inclined, he can learn everything he needs to know from one source: Superman. How to act, how to treat the less fortunate, how to live lies and lead double lives — it’s all there for men. That’s because Superman isn’t an alien from another planet, what he really is is the archetype for all men. Think about it.

Honor, strength, laser vision; I couldn’t pick three words that would better describe a man. That’s from Superman. Know what else is from Superman? Men are better than women.

I know what none of you men are thinking: “You can’t compare Superman to all women and say men are better than women! That’s stupid!” I know you’re not thinking that because it’s a dumb fucking thing to think. That’s a woman-type thought. No, that’s not what I’m saying, but what I will be saying requires a certain man-derstanding of literature and storytelling in all forms. That means this article needs an extra no women allowed disclaimer.

No Women Allowed.

Stories of epic proportion require balance or else you end up with some womanly thing of no importance or value — like that chick-flick Something’s Gotta Give. Man that thing is a piece of shit. In the Superman mythos, the balance is as follows. Superman is good; Lex Luthor is evil. Superman is wise and experienced; Jimmy Olsen is na├»ve but respectful and willing to learn. There is a synergy there and lessons there that all men can draw from; good or bad. Finally, the most important pairing: Superman is a man; Lois Lane is a woman.

It’s perfect. First of all, any man has about as good a chance of being a flying, cape-wearing alien with the ability to spin the world in reverse as any woman has of being a competent, confident career woman who doesn’t stick her foot down her throat when all that’s required is a “Yes please” and “Thank you. I’ll have another”.

While Lois Lane is a successful woman, just like in real life, it means she’s also a raving bitch. Lois Lane is an attention whore and a single-minded maniac who constantly sticks her nose and feet where they don’t belong and usually ends up costing Superman huge chunks of his time pulling her ass out of the fire and her head out of her ass. In that amount of time, thousands of people die in catastrophes and genocides all over the world. Does that stop her? No.

Fuck everyone else. As long as I get my piece of the corporate pie Greater Good be damned. That’s a female trait if I’ve ever heard one. Women constantly sell out their children and families lusting after the vaulted status of Career Woman — which usually just means sitting behind a desk in real estate and shuffling papers. That’s probably called equality in sewing circles and book clubs, but in my world it’s called a dead-end job and a fucking waste of time. Women have as much place in careers as does the letter q. Do you see a q in career?

The most valuable lesson of all is that just like all men, Superman has only one weakness: kryptonite. If there’s no kryptonite about, Superman is a badass no-nonsense ass kicker who doesn’t take any kind of guff. Men are exactly the same, except that instead of kryptonite it’s anal and (surprisingly to women) not constant bitching and obligations. Women are just too stupid to think outside the box.

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