Why Do Women Have Goofy Names for Their Vagina?
This Ask Dick question was sent to me by DaveB.
Dick, why do women have stupid names for their vagina? Nowadays you’ll hear a woman call it her “vag” or her “va jay-jay” or some other dumbass name that sounds like a 4 year old threw the scrabble bag at the board. What’s the deal?
Dave, I tested your theory by randomly pulling some Scrabble tiles out of a bag. What I found was that the letters didn’t spell out a child-like euphemism and therefore extremely inappropriate nickname for a vagina. They actually spelled the sound I make when anyone brings up vaginas for any reason:
“glthk”
If you’d like to play along at home, you can easily make that sound by swallowing some yarn.
Vaginas are so gross that even women are embarrassed to have them and women aren’t embarrassed by anything.
Women are like pigs in a lot of ways. They’re slovenly and fat, but more importantly, they are completely unaware of it. A woman could be twenty pounds overweight and actually think there’s nothing wrong with that! And “muffin tops” — where some broad’s stomach spills over her sweatpants like dough rolling over the paper cup of a greasy muffin — are a daily hazard for men of all walks of life. There could be no other explanation for these but a gross lack of self-awareness.
A pig is a pig even at a classy buffet, and even in a top hat.
And yet women are still embarrassed to have vaginas. Somehow the stigma of a vagina is so great that it penetrates the dense, lead-like shield that is a woman’s oblivious lack of self-awareness.
1. Vaginas are Illegal
Imagine a world where it was illegal for you to work for money. Stone masonry would be done in the dark. Career counselors would sit in the back of darkened taverns offering advice in unmarked envelopes and disappearing with a gust of wind and a door left ajar. James Brown would have been the FBI’s most wanted fugitive.
Believe it or not, that’s what the world is to women. Where men would be unable to sell our gift — our brains — for money in a farcical dystopia, women are currently unable to sell their vaginas. That’s a fucked dystopia.
In any country that you can’t get laid for free just because you’re not from it, prostitution is illegal.
I have done my share of illegal things. I can say for certain that without the mindset and the skewed ethics required to continue in such a lifestyle, the guilt of committing illegal acts is all-consuming. I’ve seen it happen.
That’s every day of a woman’s life.
Every day, a woman wakes up and breaks the law by selling her vagina for something. Maybe today it’s just a free Super Size or a scone, but tomorrow it could be a promotion or financing on a new car. Just because a prostitute doesn’t fuck, doesn’t mean she wasn’t paid for sex. Women are whores. Some just have bad customer service.
2. The Vagina Monologues
Women have goofy names for their vaginas because they’re embarrassed to have them. They’re are embarrassed to have them, they’re embarrassed to use them, and in this case, they’re embarrassed to talk about them. The Vagina Monologues is proof of that.
Men don’t need lame promotional circuits and back-patting over shitty poetry to talk about our cocks. We don’t need to wrap cock-talk in a protective layer of “art” just to do it. At most, we need five seconds of silence and a glance over our shoulder to make sure no women are around.
And so what? Take a look around. Everything on Earth that serves a purpose is shaped like a penis. Screwdrivers, jackhammers, the remote control to your television, pistols, plumbing, pencils, doorknobs; it’s no wonder they’re easy to talk about. The only thing that resembles a vagina is a wallet: something you mindlessly stick money in just because it’s going along for the ride. That’s embarrassing.
3. Women are Pedophiles
Everything that women do is designed to make them look 17 forever. They dress young, they talk young, they fuck-up nonstop like know-nothing children. The only reason women hate pedophiles so much is because the age of consent gives them the head-start they desperately need.
Talking about sex and especially their own sexuality like emotionally retarded 15 year olds make women seem like the spoiled teen cunts they all aspire to be.
I’m done with this topic. Not because I’m out of reasons, but because I’ve disgusted myself. I feel like I need to throw up some yarn.
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January 27th, 2008 at 7:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: a01134e5bc887
Oh that’s simple, after talking to women all day, men need something to think about that’s actually interesting. Duh.
January 27th, 2008 at 7:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Well, that and as everyone already knows, Men>Women, and men do deep thinking shit with other men and generally, late at night with their penis.
Women don’t get it because (A) they are not cool and do not own a Penis and (B) are not as smart as my penis.
I care about my size because it is already bigger than your brain, and I don’t want you trying to measure up to something I have to roll into a ball to carry around in my pants or tuck into my sock…………..
January 27th, 2008 at 7:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
At the end of a long, hard days work there’s four things I want:
- Sex
- Sports/TV
- Food
- A quiet house
I’m not worried about the ’size of my penis’ because mine will always be bigger than yours. Women’s brains are like ‘white noise’. Staticky, irritating, only in black and white, and on the fritz.
- Sgt. Reyes
January 30th, 2008 at 1:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a114cc94a30f
I love this website. This is comedy gold. I’m not sure what I enjoy more: the actual articles or reading how upset women are getting.
I’ve never heard of someone getting soooo mad at something they have the power to stop: them reading the god-damned words. If Dick Masterson’s words anger you, stop reading them.
Rush Limbaugh once said that without listeners that hated him, he wouldn’t be so popular. I think this holds true for mabtw.com.
My bottom-line to the ladies is that this website was designed to humor men. I’m a man who’s deployed to Iraq and this website has me fucking howling when I read it. My roommate thinks I’m nuts to be laughing so loud while reading but all I have to do is “Stumble” the article to him and he understands.
Love it or leave it.
Best line so far: “Women are a lot like guns: they’re useless without a man using them.”
January 30th, 2008 at 2:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Goddamn right.
-Dick
February 1st, 2008 at 10:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: bf2a9c1d0e309
I don’t assign names to any certain part of my body other than it’s medical-given name.. but alright. But I do recall one night when my ex (back when we were dating, of course) wanted me to “name” his penis. I basically wanted to know what the point of that would be, but why bother asking right.
February 1st, 2008 at 11:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
Welcome to the site SGT Cullen and be safe.
- Sgt Reyes
February 1st, 2008 at 11:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55548152be297
The other reason they’re a lot like guns: Useless until they get a good cock
- Sgt. Reyes
February 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 am - IP Man-Hash: 0a379370a5fd8
Your husband wanted you to name his penis because it reminded him of……….you. Flaccid, floppy, fleshy, boneless and laying around, and only good at certain times of the day. Not to mention uppity, and will spit at you when provoked.
I imagine he figured a good dick needed named by a good dick head, or at least the only person blowing on it.
February 2nd, 2008 at 12:26 am - IP Man-Hash: bf2a9c1d0e309
Husband? I’m far too young to get ’settled down’..
February 7th, 2008 at 10:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7288b00e588db
for the same reasons men name their dicks.
February 10th, 2008 at 3:36 pm - IP Man-Hash: 2ba964ccd78f2
I like the term “vag” because it has a mocking ring towards hipsters.
February 10th, 2008 at 5:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ec6c2ab6784a
Doubt register a user name on the forums and private message me.
March 10th, 2008 at 7:02 am - IP Man-Hash: af76afe742b5d
I think that the Chinese symbol for “DISCORD” says it best…
The symbol is 2 women in the same house!
Go figure!
-Moon
March 31st, 2008 at 8:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8d57318ab57b1
While I do thourgly enjoy this site, I do have to ask how is this any different then the men who have names for their anatomy?
@SGT Cullen I commend you sir! I have friends fighting along side you over there. I hope you are all safe and return home soon.
April 5th, 2008 at 9:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: d6a61aa48790e
If I have to refer to that part of the body, I call it a “genny,” as in “genny-talia.” He’s quite right though, having a genny is quite embarrassing and shameful :(
April 8th, 2008 at 1:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5cf6428042f84
why do men have goofy names for our penis? ex: dick, willy, wang, cock…
April 11th, 2008 at 7:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 39a6c080614cc
Wanker
Big one
Willy
ding dong
dipstick
doughnut holder
firm worm
hairy bagpipes
John Thomas
joy stick
love muscle
love stick
love truncheon
meat
meat whistle
ol’ one-eye
one-eyed trouser snake
pecker
weiner
weinie
….
shut up DICK.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:15 am - IP Man-Hash: 468e63350fb82
i have one name for my cock…it’s cock. end of story. ladies, fuck off.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:17 am - IP Man-Hash: 468e63350fb82
i love the hitthetreadmill link. it’s classic. way to show that fat pig how fat she really is. “you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig” What a fat-ass.